Yesterday was much fun!

I nearly forgot my woes everyone was so happy yesterday in Tennessippi (Jeremy disease). There was trampoline jumping, switch playing, virtual reality mind blowing and sibling rivalry and Mario Kart Racing in the "projector room". Oh how dare I forget the fun with Lexi (a small Schnouser sp?).

Everyone had fun I didn't even mind loosing my credit card 💳 or breaking my toe (making it hard to walk).

Then this morning 🌄 I was thinking hard as I try to doze off cause last night was stormy and Joe got scared and needed me and the older girls were having spider 🕷 issues and had not yet turned off their light at 1:30 am. Well, they said they did until Lena felt a spider on her... But, evidence of laptop activity suggests sleep was not yet a goal.

So, I was thinking how I exercise and eat properly but still gain weight and I actually do not care. I feel bad cause the wii suggested a weight that I claimed that I would never reach but now have squeeked past, but I still find comfort in being taller and lighter than my girls who are not heavy. Plus, though I fret about my size it is only a 10. I freaked out when I was a six and thought, at least I am not a 10....so, there's that.

Mostly, it only matters that I am big for me. I only compare my daughters because genetically they are like me, right? Only I think they will all be taller than me soon.

My main thought was how I have never considered myself good enough because in my mind I OUGHT to look like movie stars and tv stars. And they were a representation to me what everyone else looked like, but if I compare myself to those I see in real life I still am usually the skinniest and prettiest. But compared to those who I use for a standard I just about reach my goal then I am out of that age bracket.

So, do I begin a diet or just not care cause if I do not try then I will not be to blame (like those kids on a Carol Burnett show who said just do not have any friends was the solution to keeping everyone of them pleased).

Plans change

I am a bit verclempt aka overwhelmed (but there is a song tittled "I Am Overwhelmed", so I said verclempt.

It is evidence that the Lord is loving and quite mindful of us. I suspect my plan changes (which have been nearly too good to be true and feel like God must have answered my prayers because they are far more perfect and ideal than I ever expected).

Ok, so my travelogue makes me thinkI need a dream journal lest I forget my incredible dream about my Norweigan ancestors as well as John Amey. Strange to have him pop intomy thoughts while sleeping. I have heard enough scientific nonsense regarding afterdeath phenomenon being explained scientifically as unexpected synapse firing, and poo pooedit so I likewise dismiss and similar deductions regarding my dreams...which on that tangent reminds me of my dinner conversation with Joseph about Paradox that suggest everything is not correct that scientifically is deduced. Experience and belief (faith) is a truer notion cause I will not argue whether or not i can actually touch anyone which scientifically is impossible.

Anyhow, I was suppose to be driving acrossthe united states today, and I was a bit nervous about doing so, but knew that nothing happens unless we decide and do, so despite aprehensions and sleepless nights of pondering I decided to do this!

It took me too long to reach this conclusion but my children/family are of eternal significance and ought to be valued over personal worries or concerns. My plan was made and I presented it to the Lord and he after hearing my concerns put in motion his own, better way. Now, I am flying and visiting Disney which is also a thing that needed to be done before my babies get too old. But, I was worried about trying to afford it. Now, I can simply because my dad paid fir my flight, which I never would have asked. It reminds me of the quote, "Well, brothers, you trusted in money. I trusted in God." And a thing said last night by sister Wallin about the call to serve as mission presidents in Vancouver..."Ofcourse this call comes from God. No man would do this to us." I am guessing it is inconvenient for them...

So, I get to go to conference and see all my family as well as my children in Nashville! There was a way the take away is that I only needed to be willing to act and then God seeing such could take over. And he has continued to be accordingly mindful so I will surely continue to pray! He does hear and answer though I cannot explain how. I certainly can explain the evidence of the invisible force.

Thank God

I finally know exactly what to do and why my certainty wavers. I base what I ought to do on how I feel and feeling change from day to day. I was praying very hard and feeling like I was not getting an answer... Maybe Tal was right all a long and I was stubbornly trying to counterpoint his ideas. Well, it was deciding that perhaps he did have a good idea that I more closely examined his ideas.

Then it struck me, it was dangerous to look for answers in our feelings and Satan knows this. I was teaching wee children what opposites were "Ah hah!" Trusting your thoughts or believing they create emotions is foolish too it's that whole "to be learned is Good BUT..." Too many get that high that comes from making a good choice that they believe choices are over and no longer need to create the God who created them. They start to get it like was always a part of the plan, right? And figure now they can take off the training wheels.

Anyhow, I got entirely side-tracked. I am seriously sad that dear friends could loose to this test. It is like when we took certifications for computer. We had alot of field experience, but everyone told me that I didn't know anything and was an idiot, which kept me humble whereas others who were supposed experts and knew it all were selected to take advantage of a training designed for such experts. I was not selected so I was too afraid to take the test assuming I wouldn't have a clue. Well, ends up I took the test later as well as the experts who took it and grumbled at how hard it was and subsequently failed. I assumed I would not do well, but took it anyhow using my reasoning skills I aced it! So, the others decided it was not an accurate measurement and refused to grow from their failure and I only reluctantly tell people that I aced the test assuming. I will earn comments that I am only a "paper MCSE" or something.

My dad says thathe sees something similar in our family how those who are humble or humbled succeed while other brilliant and successful siblings stumble in regards of eternal things.

I said all that merely to say that I am sad and hope to help in any way I can. But, see how it is a tricky thing cause the
only way to know a thing is to do it. So, if you start to find evidence outside it will not support. It feels like one in a raft in the ocean. Only way to help is to be in the raft, and in that metaphor I am only in the raft because I am too afraid to swim, whereas others think themselves able to handle everything.

Ok, so what did I learn that I actually intended to share...running out of time...

I wanted to share the idea Tal Bachman had first. When dealing with a difficult situation that he was unable to rectify he simply decided to start over! Brilliant.

I want to move, but I actually just want to start over. That is my answer. I am unhappy and know something needs to change, since I cannot change it, I will reset it and sort of like baptism do everything better the next time around.

Just a little girl

I think I am all grown up simply because I have matured to the point where I can communicate with words. But can I really? My abilities with words is no where near my ability to communicate in music. Yet, I fail to see a larger scheme of things and how inability to use my greater talents is a good thing like a little girl who does not understand punishment and thinks it is done out of meanness.

When I was a teenager I had a strange image impressed on my mind. I tried to write about it, but my words came out a poetry about " enlightened grains of sand " cause I was trying to express through allusion the words recorded in the book of Abraham. Later, I realized not many would even understand me and some would even read it and think I was some brilliant poet. I still suspect someone will when they find my (I laugh to recall it) missing oratorio about the city of Enoch. I loved one piece cause of the language." How is it that the heavens shed forth their tears as rain upon the mountain and Lord how is it that thou candy weep?" or something.
Anyhow, I somehow contracted a rare type of enchiphilitis(sp?).  (https://youtu.be/qbkgj5J91hE)
And was blessed to be rendered useless as far as composing any more music goes. Instead I write words and try to develop that ability. Yesterday, I read a children's book "Knuffle Bunny" and in the story a little girl is frantically trying to communicate but does not have the whole language thing down. (https://youtu.be/I3CeOUxPCjs) sure, it is humorous and entertaining but is was the source of my mini ah hah! I realized that in the grand scheme (meaning eternal) of things I was still a very little girl and need not worry about so many of the things I consume my time with. What use is it anyway. God promised that if I did certain things then I would achieve certain things, most important to me is bring truly loved...which includes being understood, but really a girl is not ready to be understood yet, and I was given such great opportunities, one of the best one of being able to accomplish things. I do not doubt that in the least. No thing is truly impossible for me IF I simply keep my end of the deal which seems quite doable

Things I ought to...

I was remembering a very special performance. I remember Mr. Wayne Stubs and playing the song Danny Boy cause the trombone part was extremely high, but I loved to play it, it seems like we were being recorded. But no matter how many details I recall like being in an odd building and a few people like Tara (bassoon maybe), Bart and Jeff. I can recall small details but not where or when it was. I am not even sure on the names the one boy I ought to have known very well. He loved Ohio State and sat next to me in the T-bone section. But all I recall is that I felt slighted cause I was the best and section leader in band but in orchestra I was last chair and the thought that calmed me reminded me what a chameleon I was. It did not matter what part I played. I was not a great band but assumed whatever role was to be filled. If I was with an award winning ensemble I was that caliber of player and with a crappy group I seemed better but wouldn't I prefer to just be in a wonderful group?It was an honor to be in orchestra.so,why did I compete in individual sports? I am a team player. I have a hive mentality.

The reason Ithought of it is because people have commented or complimented Nick and I on our family and he always takes all the credit and I thought perhaps he needs that little awakening. I remember Tal Bachman had one when he realized that his children were meant to be raised together with his wife. But, they weren't and I am really so extremely sad about that. I feel like Lucifer won out there and I just cannot let him have my children cause I am miserable. It occurs to me that I have other children, too and the plan was always to have them all sealed and I thought it hinged on dealing with things I did because my kids needed it, but I am starting to realize that I need actually to just be sealed to someone who actually loves me and have the children sealed to me. Nick has said that is a thing that will happen, but like Sarah Abram's wife. Started to suggest that if the promise of nations was Ever going to be realized something needed to be done. Sincerely, all I want is to build an eternal family and be truly cherished. Perhaps, I just need to express that desire a bit more.

Elsie's baptism

Last night, Mary Anne and I went to the stake center for Elsie Thacker's baptism. Mary was over the top excited for her own upcoming baptism. I know that she will be prepared and understands it.

When we got home a couple of missionaries dropped by unexpectedly and gave us a wonderful object lesson on baptism and the sacrament where they made ink seem to disappear the object lesson was how the Holy Ghost is a baptism of fire and how although God has forgiven our sins the remenant still remains and there were still smudges. The kids really seemed to "get" that lesson! Mary excitedly showed her lesson where she wrote sin in pencil and then erased it. Joseph declared that although it was erased it could still sorta be seen and the paper would never be ideal or original again. I gave the missionaries hot cocoa. It is sooo bitterly cold!

Oh, at the baptism. Elsie and Kennedy Bryner sang "When I am Baptized". It was beautiful! Another object lesson was given:

Those being baptized (which included Mya Colyer and Azraella Something both of whom go to school with Mary).

TAKE to remember our promises made to God.

Take His name upon us.
Always remember Him.
Keep his commandments.
Everyday repeat.

Then we get his spirit to be with us.

A missionary told another one. Using a Kit-Kat you use KAT to Keep his commandments, Always remember and Then you have his spirit to be with you.

Latest (prayerful) descision

I am going to get my PDA online starting the first week of January. Then, as I continue "teaching" in Kaysville I will get my loan forgiveness letter turned in so that I may begin earning my Bachelors degree in Early Education little by little so by the time my youngest children finish high school I will have my degree. I wrote this all down because I might be swayed to alter these plans as my life or situation changes and this will remind me of my intent...just look at how it changed from my initial intentions in college. I actually more than once said that I would NEVER live in Utah. But here I am married divorced and remarried in Utah.