Day off

Yeah, off from what? i suppose that is a matter of perspective like everything else. There is no evidence that a day off ever comes, but God created things (worked) and then took a day off and comanded us to do so, too. Nick has Mondays off. I really don't like it. It solidifies in my mind how much happier I'd be in an other house and how his priorities ae not my priorities. Sometimes I wonder if he has ever felt a need in his life. The things he says and concusions he jumps to from the same evidence of thongs that I see is completely different. Again, I say that we see the same things. But, there is something in our brains that causes the samething to go in and come out differently. In the tv show fringe I recall someone mentioning that a criminal mind is pretty much the same as a cop. Which is why they are so good at finding on another. They jump to the same conclusions. Nick is entirely an earthly guy, or a popular guy. his concusions paralell the world closely and so his little quips win friends and are generally likable. To me, almost everything he says is foolish and annoying. I really intended to discussor need for divorce, because it is obvious, but I do not want to ruin the lives of my children,but as a good friend pointed out, staying together is worse for the kids. I really liked a tiny scene of "The Dresden Files" where Murphy is talking toanother woman who adopted her son, the woman asked if she had children. She said that she did, but then pointed toher finger that was devoid of ring. The woman says," oh, sorry."Murphy replied, " No. Sorry would have been staying together." Something odd happened today, too. when I gotupI saw in my peoipheral vision, that the gate was open. I made a mental note to go close it. Time went buy, as I found a free moment, mymind pooped up with a little nagging reminder toshut the gate. I opended the door and stepped outside with that in mind only to see the gate was shut. My conclusion is that the way we percieve things based on evidence is not the same soto base facts on perception (generally empiracal only means something is tangible or unchanging) is wrong. Evdence can be incorrectly percieved, or entirely in a different manner. I canot count how many murder mysteries I have "digested" where the culprit leaves intentionally misleading evidence. Likewise, people take what they "know" about me from little glimpses, the rest is extrapolated, and I have had to deal with many a false accusation. So, I have little to norespect for detective work.

Work it out

ok, this is a journal entry most specificaly for me to work out some major issues that I'm having that I really ought not to speak with anyone about.

If we all have a story then does it have a plot and can we diagram the conflict? What is my big conflict? I think it might be comon, and often I think it might be mistaken as marriage. But, I assure you that there is no person who exsists that you will naturally be compatible with anyway, struggle is eminent, and overcomable. which is why so many popular books are about love.

My first husband, sad to refer to a husband that way, such choices to stay together and sort of bend and compliment eachother rather than get mad and think you are always right and the other person just cannot be what you want them to be. Anyway, my first husband I followed the pattern and loved entirely with my mind and most of my heart. But that wasn't right, not because we are not together anymore, that is a symptom, not the trouble. the trouble is that I lost my mind, literally, and I didn't even know what was going on, I felt like I wasn't gettig something, but I didn't know what it was. One doctor, a pychologist thought that she would relate to me by saying that all men are pigs, because I was divorced. She was writting a book, I remember that. She told me that regardless of men, I needed to stay in TN to take care of the children and they and I had good heath care. side track, sorry. But being as I didn't have my mindto fall back on as he started a strange course, I, insteasd felt very alone and realized that It had been wrong to "put allof my eggs in one basket" those were the words which came to mind then. I was thinking that I had nothing to fall back on if what I was sure of failed. It is alot like John Nash thinking that he could solve his own problem, but his problem solving mind was what needed to be fixed, it would be like trying to repair a operating system by using it. Possible? maybe. But, not wise.

I felt like y time was running out because we are only cute and attractive, etc, for a limited time, and I wanted a family. I thought about what was most important, but ever really learned my lesson. So what was most important was my belief system. So, that was my number one priority, it I thought was the one certain thing that could not be destroyed. Then, I saw my perfect example fall apart. CRAP! If that wasn't certain enough what was?

So here I am in a family with those who do believe the same as me an that was what attracted me most about my husband, but it also furiated me the most. But, We realized that our end goal is the same, so no matter what happens along the way, we can depend on one another. Still in the back of my mind I think, ugh! but what if that is lost, I really do not have anything else to fall back on, a total zero-level format would be my only solution. So, here I am, not at the point where a "format" is necessary but, I understand that it can happen, and just because he is very wise does not make him safe.

I think it needs to be a more sure foundation, kinda like they were teaching me in physical therapy, when learning to walk again. I like to keep my feet closer together, but was constantly reminded that if I really wanted to learn to walk then, i needed a better base. I cannot remember what thery caled it, but it meant placing my feet farter apart. LOL now, I'm going to drag my brother Joathan into this, cause I was thiking about him all along, and how cool it was to go to the temple whn he was married.  At first I was worried that they weren't enough in love, because no one could be in ove as much as Brandall and I were, but I saw them and I cannot explain any particular thing that happened, but I just knew that they were entirely in love. A fewq people commented about how jealous they were about how in love Brandall and I were. I digress again, My brother made a funny comment, as usual, about my feet. He said that was why I could walk aain and have good ballance because my feet were so big, Who could ever fall down with skis like that? He has always said such funny, yet perfectly pertinent things. Dr. Eleazar or the LDS services counselor told me that I needed to start reding funny books or something and laugh at least once a day. So, I got far side books.

It is true that you need to be in love fully with your heart, but it is not enough.  And we need our trust to be in something that will not ever end.

dream

It was the oddest dream. I was having a dinner at someone's house, sort of hidden away like on a underground train kind of thing. I was so thankful for food. When I came to sit down at the table there was food and an empty plate, So I took he empty plate, then someone said "Max is getting some chilli for you." I went into the next room and saw Max and Michael and they handed me a roll and a drink, I jokingly said "Well, everything smells up to par for you." Michael said "yeah" then choosing a seat was ackward it was a small table with four seats. So,  I sat across from Max instead of beside him thinking it was less assumptive (thinking of the biblical teaching of being called to a feast take the lesser seat lest you choose wrong.) but that put a bottle (12 oz.) of Vernor's infront of Max and I and knowing that he was the king I wanted a drink, but didn't know if I was allowed. I saw him take another drink so I took the bottle in my hand and Michael got really offended and told me that now I had taken things a bit too far. He was very angry with me and in his explination of my offenses he explained that took his seat.

I also remember another conversation as we ate, I was complimenting Max, Jason, on his acting at one point. I thought that it was brilliant, and that pleased him. But, I honestly was impressed, and gave details just to be sure that he knew that I was sincere, because I figured that getting compliments must be a common thing and nearly a tiring thing. I wanted to be different then the pleased masses who showered him with praises.

Wrap things up

 It is Thursday. I remember looking at the date and thinking it meant something, but then thinking that must've been in another life, cause it means nothing to me.
I thought of a cool notion today, it will take a whole lot of time and persistance, but when I accompish it I will be so grateful forever, really.

It isn't even 7 pm but the kids are in bed. I did try to wear them out at the park this afernoon, but Hannah told me that it was her experience that wearing the kids out tends to wear the parents out. I really am tired. I have completed all of my chores, and although my teeth and my back are hurting me quite badly. I think that the hardest thing to deal with and is nearly constantly on my mind is my anxiety to do something, anything regarding my plan, but I don't really think it is a sort of plan that can be accomplished immediately.

The song "dynamite" just came on, the children love that song, they like to sing it.
Gavin is showing a lot of talent in playing the piano by ear, and he enjoys doing it the first thng he does when he wakes up is play the piano.  He says that he hears songs in his head and wants to try to play them. I suspect he gets that from me. Somehow it was transferred. I just want to encourage his love of music all I can. Lena is demonstrating a very high aptitude for drawing and Brooksie? She just likes to have fun, Uh, I mean sing and dance, I do really think she is good, but I'm her mom. And she doesn't take negative comments well, So I really do not think that is the best career choice for her.
A grandfather so wisely spoke of the talents of his grand daughter. He said that she was just super talented at everything. And at this point in her life buiding confidence was more important than anything in giving feedback. I whispered to Nick, in our class, that his comment remnded me of the art show on Yo Gabba Gabba when Toodee's art was unvieled, it looked terrible and the music came to a sudden halt. then Foufa said, "That's really great art, Toodee!" Everything continued merrily.
 Joseph ought to become an actor. He is extremely good, Mary Anne is too young, but she demonstrates a propensity for writting/drawing (she scribbles alot) and a love of books. I need a library for her to grow accustomed to and learn to value good literature. For instance, when older, she can see a certain title and remember that was a book that mom had so if she hadn't read it yet, she will.

That is all, I feel like saying about today.

Lonely monday

Everyone has their own reasons to be unhappy on Monday, for me, it was having my family ripped away from me all over again. I don't know how long I can handle it. I was really suprised though that the kids saw right through my frosting reference, like Czechoslovakians. I suddenly felt the need to indulge in my frosting obsession, so we baked a cake, I thought there was no harm in that. Nick got wierd about me spending money on food items that we do not need. Well, I do not need to be alive or eat anything, I guess, but I do. Anyway, he got mad and I decided it was best to ignore than to retaliat. I just absorbed myself in the children, then they left, and it is lonely. Joseph was on a very good behavior though so I took him to the store and looked at frosting, didn't get any, but I got Joe a helicopter toy/candy, and myself some resees pieces. now, there is a metaphor for me. I really do not really even notice the outer shell or it's color, but I just almost need them if I start to eat them, so, I limit myself and just look at them, and I was thinking about how much they look like M&M's on the outside. I guess that's about how much the outside matters to me. Joseph is calling for me to save his truck, huh, wonder how one does that...

A really stupid point... ha ha get it?

I was thinking about how my favorite scene in the English Patient is the part where he says that he loves that bony part under your chin, and it was the most beautiful part of her body. I have always thought most highly of my wrists and ankles, and loved knees, hands, and the most beautiful part of a body to me is the bridge of the nose. I just love it, And one guy I dated I couldn't get over the colors of his face and hair and lips, it's funny, that I didn't think much of his eyes or eye brows, but he had the most perfect shading. That is what I was thinking about tonight how much I loved to look at the bridge of people nose. Brandall told me that he thught I had a big nose, strange, but that he had always liked big noses. I have great wrists, even after my body has nearly been anhilated, my wrists and ankles are still pretty.

diet

I know what you're thinking, if you're thinking what I'm thinking. :) and, my first thought when I typed the word diet was to make a joke out of the word diet. It starting with the same letters that spell the word die. Which is undeniably, how all diet's feel when they start out. But, I really was going to announce the breakthrough I had with my latest diet!

My "breakthrough" came as I decided to quit, or fall off the wagon as my husband put it. I realized why so many of them did not work for me to the point that I do not believe any testimonials or read them, no matter how heartfelt they may be. For me, they do not work because the claim is that they will cause weight loss, and I have noted quite the opposite, and so I assume they are not working.

Some diets I even wanted to work so badly that I began excercising, too. which only caused weight gain. Starvation is the only diet that seemed to work for me, but it is unhealthy.

My last diet made me extremely hungry, and I got so ill that I decided that I needed to listen to my own body for a while and stop trying to make it conform to standards that theoretically work well. Since I quit my diet, I actually noticed a change in how I feel, and that I have lost weight.

This first bit makes me pause. A ton of "bad" things make us feel better so how we feel cannot be the motivating factor. This morning the kids were watching a video where a cartoon character said, " How can someone who lived so long ago know what is right for me?" the response is wonderful. " His words bring peace." The character replied, "Well, my teachings bring pleasure." food for thought, even for parents. We are all aiming for revelance, or happiness, and closely resembling happiness is pleasure. So, too often we think if pleasing ourselves makes us happy then, it is the goal.

Ultimately, we find peace and that is what I have found in my attempts to reconcile the cause and effect of dieting. Many things might bring what they claim; however, I needed to realize that what is right or what causes are observed in others might not be the same in me. For instance, I have found that novacaine has no effect whatsoever on me, though it is not considered a false placebo drug to be tossed out. Likewise, I do not have the same reactions to other things like allergies that others do.

Naturally, it comes back to relgion. something is no less true simply because it is not a perfect fit for you, hence we see such diversity in systems of belief. For a moment I must go back to medicine. Cures are universal only if we are. What is healthy for one is supposed to be healthy for all. We make the same generlizations in religion, afterall we are all children of God so we share that commonality. right? (silence) right? (aside) um, (tapping microphone) is this thing on?