Bored as usual

I wanted to take the kids to the store cause I wanted some yeast, thet could return theircolorin sheets, but my filename is that Intended to finish organizing the kids rooms. We made huge progress the last two times, and I would like to keep our momentum, so, maybe I will instead fold clothes and sort through the closet to see what else we can fit hidden away.

Oh yeah, I ran out of mayonaise and had to use miracle whip on my sub sandwich, which was disgusting. I used to like it and not like mayo, but sometime my preferences changed.

I woke up with swollen sinuses again today. What is up with that? I name it on the season. Heaters turning on blowing up dust and allergens. My headhurts so bad, I am getting sick of it. But, how much more will I endure?

I just feel like it was a sort of sci-fi fantasy to be born here and it was an incredible gift like someone giving you a free expense paid trip to New Zealand. I should be enjoying myself. I should be remembering gratefully the opportunity, but somehow I am unhappy. I must have done something wrong. I am convinced that it is never too late. McGuyver would find a way, so I must.

Just got back

I just finished my run today and though it was a struggle, it was wonderful. I am actually sitting outside because it is so nice to be out. It felt like a soundtrack to chariots of fire should have been playing. The wind was blowing so that it whipped my hair around and felt like movie footage then, as I started thinking, I thought, "hmm, I wonder which sewing machines work well enough to take to church tonight. I wonder if the secret to running is not to think about it..."I stumbled and snapped back to the present, cue "I Won't Give Up" and struggle on to the end then I pushed myself with my morning scripture, life saver, Joseph gave me. "Endure to the end". There was no kick, but I finished and have almost stopped sweating now enough to go back to sleep before Mary makes her debut. I think today was so good because my first to do was not run, but study my scriptures. Believe it or not, that makes all of the difference.

The mailman

It is significant what Joe did today. He waved to and said something to the mail man. I knew it likely made the mailman's day. So, As we,walked on, I had a talk with him about how it is always good to be kind to others. It is like ripple in that pond. If he always is good it will make others happy, so he will be happy, too. Sorta seems selfish to me, but oh well.

Questions of Life and Death

We went to Andy Adams resivoir to throw rocks. But, instead found fish, and I want to record the dilemma those fish solved for me.

I found an earthworm wriggling around in the shallow water and was mesmorized by how elegantly it moved, but I had heard that when it rains worms come up because the soils OS easier to move though, and sometimes greediness lands them on the sidewalk when the water receeds. There they are burned to a crisp by the sun. For some reason I. Assumed they came to the surface else they would drown. I did not know if that was true, so I let it swim for a bit. It actually seemed suited for swimming anyway. Still, I kept wondering if it was quietly calling for help. Maybe it was a huge coincidence that I saw it and could help. But, would I really help? The sun was hot and the worm had no eyes but could probably sense the depth of the water, so I would not save it.

Next, I thought of the story about the kid trying to save starfish during a low tide, when a wiser man asked what he was doing. He couldn't possibly save them all. The boy replied, "but, I made a difference for that one."as he tossed one into the sea. Combined with a comment a while ago where someone celebrated the choice of an ancestor because of their choice effected generations of people. So one choice has almost countless effects.

Well, then a larger fish came to whitish and grabbed the worm and that was that. The worm's. Life was no longer in my hands. But had given up his energy to the fish. That simple act said a lot. I was glad to have observed it.

The end of July, Begining of life

I do not know what exactly to expect, but I know something is on the verge.

It starts when I whisk myself to privacy and pray.

The real thing I learned the most recently and thus most powerful to me. Is that when we really need help our way of helping is letting the Lord bless us mostly in that we excercise the faith. We need faith that if we do a thing the desired result will follow. Easy enough, huh? But, what if what we desire isn't what we want? Like suppose you need money for piano lessons, so you pray, fully believing you will be blessed. So, you know that you must act, so you obey the prompt to sign up as a volunteer at a play group. Ok, it was undeniable that the Lord's hand was in this, so your happy solution is that you find the money somewhere, but you talk for hours to another struggling mother about finances, and as you are leaving she finds a hundred dollar bill laying on the ground and instantly thanks God for it. But, you feel like maybe your prayer wasn't heard or something. Later that same mother calls and tells you that she has decided to start giving piano lessons and though it might not help much she would like to give lessons to your children for free. She only chose you because you were fresh on her mind and that finding the money helped her so much that she decided to try to make money and thought she needed to start out with a few others who might be a good start for her.

So, we see how things were orchestrated for the best of everyone and likely your solution was only presented because you first were willing to do as prompted, even if the blessing did not seem a result of doing so because you were focused pn finding money which was not your real need anyway.

So, I will not probably find money, but I will be answered with what I need, maybe that blessing will be but to know what it is I need.

Fourth of July

We had a family reunion in Atlanta. It was so nice to be with my parents, siblings, neices and nephews, but mostly my entire family all 5 children.

It was a very long trip. We were going by plane, but ended up unable to buy a flight so we drove.

It has been uncomfortably hot. I know that I must take the children and move to Mississippi. My parents are moving into my grandparents home in Florida. So, the plan is to rent their home from them so that I can be closer to the older kids, too.

There is a piano and a pool. But, I think it will be in October because I have to be an usher for the Ogden Temple Openhouse on August 12. I could just find a substitute though. But, I do not have the funds yet. I want to use birthday money. I would like to learn to drive well again, too, and hopefully I can afford a car, with my mom to watch the kids I can likely get a good job and eventually afford day care or babysitting. Nick just said that he wanted to think as he would not give his opinion. So, I prayed figuring if it was to ever be I would have to do it myself. He just gives excuses and keeps me hanging on and unable to ever do anything. No more. I got a sure answer that I will go, as of yet I don't know when. It is like last year, I prayed and got the answer that I should go but then I talked to Nick and as usual he never decides unless forced and I will not force him, but I am sick of being tied to a sinking rock. I know what to do and anyone else who prays will get the same answer.

This week we will get fireworks again! Or maybe not, I don't know what Nick has in mind, he never says, even if you ask.

August is hot

Today was another hot day. I saw a guy walking as we were going to get Nick's hair trimmed, and thought, I feel so bad for him. I bet he is not walking for pleasure, but because he must be somewhere. He looked overweight and very uncomfortable in the heat. I thought about the time I tried to go running after Lena was born. I decided that people who would benefit from walking do not because it is so uncomfortable for them. The times I liked to run was when I was already in shape. The difference is quite noticeable. It reminds me of how they say that it is easier to get a job when you already have one. Or how I had to be so uncomfortable to do simple things, but then Once I could do them I rested and never pushed myself out of my "comfort zone" to accomplish more. It is like using a wheelchair or walker. When I needed them I wanted them they made life easier, but if I had learned to depend on them my apathy would have increased to the point where I had no option anymore "Use it or loose it."

So, this morning, I made a hashbrown casserole using the frozen beef patty and an onion from the ward garden. It smells good.

I got the kids up and bathed and dressed then our adventure for today was a car wash, Mary started crying, but Joseph loved it. Then we went to get Nick's monthly haircut, and I packed thing to go to Jensen wild life park, but Nick said that it was too hot so we decided to go home and let Mary go to bed. The kids were so well behaved in the barber shop because they just sat and ate frosties. "time flies when your having fun."

We just got home from finishing the day with a trip to play at the park and feed the ducks, then we came home and cooled off the family all had ice cream sandwiches and sat on the stairs "cooling off".

Now, I will relax and watch episodes from season 5 of Stargate Atlantis.