End of Jan 2017

First of all... brrrr.

I thought a thing last night. Golly, my posterity must be super d duper significant because the thought was that I had been given a great blessing to be able to communicate my thoughts and feelings far longer than I ever lived. And if I am not present, I still am through my words.

Growing up, I knew that I was being nurtured for some great purpose, and I got a bit ego centric, hah! Funny how ego has the same letters as geo, and that was what I was thinking to use as a paradigm. I honestly believed thst every time our family moved it was for my benefit so that, like Abraham and Sarah, I could sort of nomadically have the greatest teachers in this world... don't  tell the teachers that though, it might backfire.

Now, I see that I was preserved and prepared in such ways, but it is not all about me or I (dad used to challenge me to try talking without the word I. That's likely a reason why royalty uses the pronoun "we"). I was so frustated that I could never do what I wanted with my talents, but when I would not stop trying, I got a freak illness of the central nervous system that did not kill me, but limited my abilities so that I might focus them on my posterity.
I felt bad spending so much time looking up things on my ancestors, then I realized they are yours, too, and likely why I am so blessed in doing it. I should.

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Right now, I am feeling very strange, maybe I will have to write a song. I have an overwhelming feeling inside of me that I need to let out. I wonder if this is what causes violence. I need to express something, but I do not know how. I usually cut my hair or something drastic as a way to change things that visibly demonstrate my power over things. I noticed this morning, too a strange thing. Mary was playing with my little snapchat features, and I noticed that "good" angels have wings and "bad" ones don't. Ofcourse! I thought, it symbolizes freedom, much like Eagles do for Americans. There is a scripture thay comes to mind:

"O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart"

(From Alma 29)

It is pretty neat that we do not have to memorize verbatim every scripture to benefit from it, and I can easily find it whenever I want. This leaves my brain free to persue other things. I bet I would be seen as a God to past civilizations with all my technical marvels. It is not hard at all to see how God is able to do so many of the things that he does, and that is a clear indication that mortality is working. We are becoming more like him through living!

Now, I am going to go write a bit of flowery text somewhere...

November 2016

Once again, suprise, I am upset. My husband took us to Logan, UT for a trip after we cleaned the chapel. I told him that I needed barettes, and he said, "can't you get them in Logan?" Sure. I already went most of the day with messy hair so Mary Anne could wear our only hair clip. We went to the bank, to get his hair cut, while I watched the kids, then to Gossners. Then he announced that he was hungry and went to a drive thru, I wondered why he never asked what I wanted. He ordered meals for himself and the kids and nothing for me. He then asked me what MY problem was. I told him that I just assumed that the whole family was eating (Fast Sunday was the next day, so I needed to eat, normally I might not have cared). He said, I should just get out and walk home. I wanted to, but did not telling him that it was too far and I did not want to walk in the dark. So, I would just watch everyone else eat in the car, and I did.

I woke up terribly sick this morning, but got everyone together and out the door anyway. Joseph stayed  with me cause he was sivk, too. After dinner, I asked if we could go to a fireside in Ogden that night. He said no. The kids asked if they could go with me, too. Nick had also gotten angry because I signed up to bring a food to the veteran's dinner/party. Joseph was excited to go. I only signed up because he really wanted to go.  He said that he would not be going. I told him that actually we all were. Now, Joseph was concerned, he asked if he and I was restricted (which means punished). He promised to never ever sign up for anything again. So, here I am very sick lying on the couch, only wanting to be at the musical fireside in Ogden on families tonight. Also, I am going to start writing music again because of the way faith was described in our Relief Society lesson as only taking root because we try. I want to, above all things, be a composer. Always have always will... oh yeah, the water heater isn't working again, and I never did get any barrettes being told we did not have money to spend on such extravagant things.

Not day to day

This isvacquestion about my life in Utah.

When I went to the hospital or doctor's office, they always asked if this was my first child and acted suprised when I told them how many I already had.

But, when I talk to the other mothers of children who are the ages of my kids, it is obvious to me that they are quite a bit younger than me. I figured it was common in Utah to start a family at a young age. Whereas, I had Joseph at 35. But, even my oldest child is much younger than other people my age who have married children and some are grandparents even.
It is just odd.

Why?

When I was a teenager, I decided that the secret to great  parenting was being able to answer every why. So, I studied hard and looked at everything from any possible angle and was not satisfied until I could explain a thing in more than one way.
I was so satisfied with my results as a mother that I even told my daughter that if I did not satisfactorily explain why then I would be grounded.

But, then, along comes Mary... I only thought to say something because she frustrates me so much. She just asked why for no reason, not even abput anything, but just to make the sound in her mouth I think.

Ear phones

Today I am making earphones out of ear buds. Wish me luck. I just do not like things placed in kids ears, althouh privacy of sound is good.

Late July 2016

I dyed my hair red again last night. Well, not really. I partially stripped the color or my roots to gradually fade into the darker winter/fall color., and I began my children piano/music.

Also, yesterday, I thought of a great way to make money. I plan to make a store of hand made items that will sell, and in turn allow me to stay at home and keep working on more things, etc. Just anodea, but, it began yesterday.

Unexpected

I generally do not seriously ask for advice because when I do I either know what to expect or have already decided regardless of what is said. I am more or less allowing others to feel like they helped or were confided in. So, this particular advice took me by suprise. I neither asked it nor was it what I expected.

It has always been somewhere in the back of my mind that I ought to be humble enough to ask the advice of those who genuinely love me, but for all practical purposes had decided to rely then on prayer, because only God knows the whole story, from both sides, how it really is, etc.

Mind you, I am the sort that takes advice from unlikely sources or sees similar patterns to duplicate in my environment and extrapolate them to learn more about something unrelated, but similar.

So, I was given advice about another matter altogether. The advice reminds me to be aware of things that truly are and not allow myself to be distracted by things that seem to matter. The advice was that rather than move to be closer to those I love, if I loved my family I would not move at all because the children need their other grandparents and if my husband is truly happy in his job he has found a thing that is exceptionally rare and not likely to be duplicated elsewhere regardless of the monetary gain.

I took this to apply in my current situation to mean to be mindful of how I benefit eternally, not just immediately. Priorities change, but consequences are not likely to be avoided if I change my mind.

There are those who would give up the greatest thing they can imagine, even their lives, to have such a family, and it seems a bargining chip for me to get a temporary peace of mind, when the wracking of mind might actually be the cost.

And that is why more things are possible when we speak, honestly with others. Every idea shared becomed fodder to build our versions of reality, and though it is unlikely that anyone will truly understand your life they may supply the direction that is unique and previously unimagined.

Sure, it is still in my mind and I am the one applying a viewpoint, no one else really is or is wven qualified to, but it is alot like doing family history work. Others may not be correct entirely, but at least the provide a starting point and everything that is needs an origin be they right or wrong.