I have let this go on too long. I rationalized that it was scientific I was trying to prove that I would naturally look a certain way no matter what I do because I worked extra hard at being healthy and active for most of my life, and I did not see a major change besides what my mother assured me was normal aging. But today is the day, and it fit in perfectly with a thing I would never have done if I was materialistic. I felt/feel hideous, something must be done. I had honestly felt so good about myself, like I had reached the point where I was beautiful and I liked me, if others didn't it was their loss, but, today I do not like myself and I want to like me again.
Seriously, let me explain. I feel like every person in the world looks sooo much more beautiful than me. I am warped in how I see myself. I bet I am not as unusual as I believe myself to be. Really humans are all beautiful, I wish I could just look like one of them, but no amount of makeup or self doctoring could make me look acceptable.
It is funny. I thought I was soo fat and ugly then, I lost alot of weight and missed being fat, and thought, well, maybe I gained weight in the first place just so I would feel better after loosing weight, which I did, but honestly, I thought I was waay too fat when I was that weight before. So, I think it has been a gradual acceptance of gross, just cause it was an improvement from what it was. But, that has got to stop. I am going to start working out regularly, maybe it will not be too much cause last time I was soooo sore for days that I vowed that I would never do that again. But, small enough not to get hurt but do it regularly meaning daily will get me in better shape again!
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