Yesterday was much fun!

I nearly forgot my woes everyone was so happy yesterday in Tennessippi (Jeremy disease). There was trampoline jumping, switch playing, virtual reality mind blowing and sibling rivalry and Mario Kart Racing in the "projector room". Oh how dare I forget the fun with Lexi (a small Schnouser sp?).

Everyone had fun I didn't even mind loosing my credit card 💳 or breaking my toe (making it hard to walk).

Then this morning 🌄 I was thinking hard as I try to doze off cause last night was stormy and Joe got scared and needed me and the older girls were having spider 🕷 issues and had not yet turned off their light at 1:30 am. Well, they said they did until Lena felt a spider on her... But, evidence of laptop activity suggests sleep was not yet a goal.

So, I was thinking how I exercise and eat properly but still gain weight and I actually do not care. I feel bad cause the wii suggested a weight that I claimed that I would never reach but now have squeeked past, but I still find comfort in being taller and lighter than my girls who are not heavy. Plus, though I fret about my size it is only a 10. I freaked out when I was a six and thought, at least I am not a 10....so, there's that.

Mostly, it only matters that I am big for me. I only compare my daughters because genetically they are like me, right? Only I think they will all be taller than me soon.

My main thought was how I have never considered myself good enough because in my mind I OUGHT to look like movie stars and tv stars. And they were a representation to me what everyone else looked like, but if I compare myself to those I see in real life I still am usually the skinniest and prettiest. But compared to those who I use for a standard I just about reach my goal then I am out of that age bracket.

So, do I begin a diet or just not care cause if I do not try then I will not be to blame (like those kids on a Carol Burnett show who said just do not have any friends was the solution to keeping everyone of them pleased).

Plans change

I am a bit verclempt aka overwhelmed (but there is a song tittled "I Am Overwhelmed", so I said verclempt.

It is evidence that the Lord is loving and quite mindful of us. I suspect my plan changes (which have been nearly too good to be true and feel like God must have answered my prayers because they are far more perfect and ideal than I ever expected).

Ok, so my travelogue makes me thinkI need a dream journal lest I forget my incredible dream about my Norweigan ancestors as well as John Amey. Strange to have him pop intomy thoughts while sleeping. I have heard enough scientific nonsense regarding afterdeath phenomenon being explained scientifically as unexpected synapse firing, and poo pooedit so I likewise dismiss and similar deductions regarding my dreams...which on that tangent reminds me of my dinner conversation with Joseph about Paradox that suggest everything is not correct that scientifically is deduced. Experience and belief (faith) is a truer notion cause I will not argue whether or not i can actually touch anyone which scientifically is impossible.

Anyhow, I was suppose to be driving acrossthe united states today, and I was a bit nervous about doing so, but knew that nothing happens unless we decide and do, so despite aprehensions and sleepless nights of pondering I decided to do this!

It took me too long to reach this conclusion but my children/family are of eternal significance and ought to be valued over personal worries or concerns. My plan was made and I presented it to the Lord and he after hearing my concerns put in motion his own, better way. Now, I am flying and visiting Disney which is also a thing that needed to be done before my babies get too old. But, I was worried about trying to afford it. Now, I can simply because my dad paid fir my flight, which I never would have asked. It reminds me of the quote, "Well, brothers, you trusted in money. I trusted in God." And a thing said last night by sister Wallin about the call to serve as mission presidents in Vancouver..."Ofcourse this call comes from God. No man would do this to us." I am guessing it is inconvenient for them...

So, I get to go to conference and see all my family as well as my children in Nashville! There was a way the take away is that I only needed to be willing to act and then God seeing such could take over. And he has continued to be accordingly mindful so I will surely continue to pray! He does hear and answer though I cannot explain how. I certainly can explain the evidence of the invisible force.

Thank God

I finally know exactly what to do and why my certainty wavers. I base what I ought to do on how I feel and feeling change from day to day. I was praying very hard and feeling like I was not getting an answer... Maybe Tal was right all a long and I was stubbornly trying to counterpoint his ideas. Well, it was deciding that perhaps he did have a good idea that I more closely examined his ideas.

Then it struck me, it was dangerous to look for answers in our feelings and Satan knows this. I was teaching wee children what opposites were "Ah hah!" Trusting your thoughts or believing they create emotions is foolish too it's that whole "to be learned is Good BUT..." Too many get that high that comes from making a good choice that they believe choices are over and no longer need to create the God who created them. They start to get it like was always a part of the plan, right? And figure now they can take off the training wheels.

Anyhow, I got entirely side-tracked. I am seriously sad that dear friends could loose to this test. It is like when we took certifications for computer. We had alot of field experience, but everyone told me that I didn't know anything and was an idiot, which kept me humble whereas others who were supposed experts and knew it all were selected to take advantage of a training designed for such experts. I was not selected so I was too afraid to take the test assuming I wouldn't have a clue. Well, ends up I took the test later as well as the experts who took it and grumbled at how hard it was and subsequently failed. I assumed I would not do well, but took it anyhow using my reasoning skills I aced it! So, the others decided it was not an accurate measurement and refused to grow from their failure and I only reluctantly tell people that I aced the test assuming. I will earn comments that I am only a "paper MCSE" or something.

My dad says thathe sees something similar in our family how those who are humble or humbled succeed while other brilliant and successful siblings stumble in regards of eternal things.

I said all that merely to say that I am sad and hope to help in any way I can. But, see how it is a tricky thing cause the
only way to know a thing is to do it. So, if you start to find evidence outside it will not support. It feels like one in a raft in the ocean. Only way to help is to be in the raft, and in that metaphor I am only in the raft because I am too afraid to swim, whereas others think themselves able to handle everything.

Ok, so what did I learn that I actually intended to share...running out of time...

I wanted to share the idea Tal Bachman had first. When dealing with a difficult situation that he was unable to rectify he simply decided to start over! Brilliant.

I want to move, but I actually just want to start over. That is my answer. I am unhappy and know something needs to change, since I cannot change it, I will reset it and sort of like baptism do everything better the next time around.

Just a little girl

I think I am all grown up simply because I have matured to the point where I can communicate with words. But can I really? My abilities with words is no where near my ability to communicate in music. Yet, I fail to see a larger scheme of things and how inability to use my greater talents is a good thing like a little girl who does not understand punishment and thinks it is done out of meanness.

When I was a teenager I had a strange image impressed on my mind. I tried to write about it, but my words came out a poetry about " enlightened grains of sand " cause I was trying to express through allusion the words recorded in the book of Abraham. Later, I realized not many would even understand me and some would even read it and think I was some brilliant poet. I still suspect someone will when they find my (I laugh to recall it) missing oratorio about the city of Enoch. I loved one piece cause of the language." How is it that the heavens shed forth their tears as rain upon the mountain and Lord how is it that thou candy weep?" or something.
Anyhow, I somehow contracted a rare type of enchiphilitis(sp?).  (https://youtu.be/qbkgj5J91hE)
And was blessed to be rendered useless as far as composing any more music goes. Instead I write words and try to develop that ability. Yesterday, I read a children's book "Knuffle Bunny" and in the story a little girl is frantically trying to communicate but does not have the whole language thing down. (https://youtu.be/I3CeOUxPCjs) sure, it is humorous and entertaining but is was the source of my mini ah hah! I realized that in the grand scheme (meaning eternal) of things I was still a very little girl and need not worry about so many of the things I consume my time with. What use is it anyway. God promised that if I did certain things then I would achieve certain things, most important to me is bring truly loved...which includes being understood, but really a girl is not ready to be understood yet, and I was given such great opportunities, one of the best one of being able to accomplish things. I do not doubt that in the least. No thing is truly impossible for me IF I simply keep my end of the deal which seems quite doable

Things I ought to...

I was remembering a very special performance. I remember Mr. Wayne Stubs and playing the song Danny Boy cause the trombone part was extremely high, but I loved to play it, it seems like we were being recorded. But no matter how many details I recall like being in an odd building and a few people like Tara (bassoon maybe), Bart and Jeff. I can recall small details but not where or when it was. I am not even sure on the names the one boy I ought to have known very well. He loved Ohio State and sat next to me in the T-bone section. But all I recall is that I felt slighted cause I was the best and section leader in band but in orchestra I was last chair and the thought that calmed me reminded me what a chameleon I was. It did not matter what part I played. I was not a great band but assumed whatever role was to be filled. If I was with an award winning ensemble I was that caliber of player and with a crappy group I seemed better but wouldn't I prefer to just be in a wonderful group?It was an honor to be in orchestra.so,why did I compete in individual sports? I am a team player. I have a hive mentality.

The reason Ithought of it is because people have commented or complimented Nick and I on our family and he always takes all the credit and I thought perhaps he needs that little awakening. I remember Tal Bachman had one when he realized that his children were meant to be raised together with his wife. But, they weren't and I am really so extremely sad about that. I feel like Lucifer won out there and I just cannot let him have my children cause I am miserable. It occurs to me that I have other children, too and the plan was always to have them all sealed and I thought it hinged on dealing with things I did because my kids needed it, but I am starting to realize that I need actually to just be sealed to someone who actually loves me and have the children sealed to me. Nick has said that is a thing that will happen, but like Sarah Abram's wife. Started to suggest that if the promise of nations was Ever going to be realized something needed to be done. Sincerely, all I want is to build an eternal family and be truly cherished. Perhaps, I just need to express that desire a bit more.

Elsie's baptism

Last night, Mary Anne and I went to the stake center for Elsie Thacker's baptism. Mary was over the top excited for her own upcoming baptism. I know that she will be prepared and understands it.

When we got home a couple of missionaries dropped by unexpectedly and gave us a wonderful object lesson on baptism and the sacrament where they made ink seem to disappear the object lesson was how the Holy Ghost is a baptism of fire and how although God has forgiven our sins the remenant still remains and there were still smudges. The kids really seemed to "get" that lesson! Mary excitedly showed her lesson where she wrote sin in pencil and then erased it. Joseph declared that although it was erased it could still sorta be seen and the paper would never be ideal or original again. I gave the missionaries hot cocoa. It is sooo bitterly cold!

Oh, at the baptism. Elsie and Kennedy Bryner sang "When I am Baptized". It was beautiful! Another object lesson was given:

Those being baptized (which included Mya Colyer and Azraella Something both of whom go to school with Mary).

TAKE to remember our promises made to God.

Take His name upon us.
Always remember Him.
Keep his commandments.
Everyday repeat.

Then we get his spirit to be with us.

A missionary told another one. Using a Kit-Kat you use KAT to Keep his commandments, Always remember and Then you have his spirit to be with you.

Latest (prayerful) descision

I am going to get my PDA online starting the first week of January. Then, as I continue "teaching" in Kaysville I will get my loan forgiveness letter turned in so that I may begin earning my Bachelors degree in Early Education little by little so by the time my youngest children finish high school I will have my degree. I wrote this all down because I might be swayed to alter these plans as my life or situation changes and this will remind me of my intent...just look at how it changed from my initial intentions in college. I actually more than once said that I would NEVER live in Utah. But here I am married divorced and remarried in Utah.

This morning (cold November)

I am just done. End of story. It was a mistake and I am in the process of repenting.

This morning our family prayer was forgotten, too. It becomes aparent what priorities matter. We still prayed because it is important to the rest of us.

Joseph needed to be awake by 4 am. Mary asked to stay in bed, but he got her up anyway. I finished a few loads of laundry.

Midnight conumdrum

Oh. Dear!! what happened to this post? I am too sick to rewrite it, but it needs to be written. So I will write it tomorrow for certain!

Ok, it is tommorrow and today was our primary program. Both children did great! We had a pop corn party and now, I am sooooo extremely tired and completely worn out, but before I rest I need to try to say what was so significant to me last night.

I went to bed early intending to do my Saturday night chores after putting the kids to bed. But, for the first time in about 9 years. I did not tuck the children in but felll back asleep after prayer.

Then when I woke up it was 12pm. That is worrysome to me because it meant the Sabbath had begun as soon as I awoke and if I did the dishes and laundry, although the machine actually does the work, it would be happening on Sunday. I never do work on Sunday. I recall a story I had heard years ago about an Israeli who would not do work once a sabbath began, but he found himself stranded in a large field, having taken his allotted steps. Much like "Fiddler on the Roof". But, the boy needed to follow his law exactly and spend the night in the field,or hurry home to his family. He fully expected tobe struck by lightening as he chose to take that step towards his home.

Now, to those not believing in that tradition itseems silly or trivial, but it was soooooooo important to him. This was the same trial I faced and so I likened this situation to mine. He was not struck down. Well,ofcourse he wasn't neither would I be. Yet, his take away was that his religion is untrue. I think quite the opposite, it provesthe truth of the words of prophets as recorded in the Bible. The very man man Jesus Christ performed miracles on the Sabbath. From it I learmed that if there is an "ox in the mire" then the day is no consequence. And I have been taught that Adam actually performed sacrifices and prayed to his Heavenly Father and through doing so he learned that his sacrifice was a similtude of a great atoning sacrifice performed by Jesus Christ. So, my wondering what I ought to do turned to wondering if the Jews had such a record of an Angel from God told Adam that the acts he was preforming were a preparation for, or reminder in my case, a great sacrifice to come. I did not expect tobe struck by lightening, but if I made a choice to toil on Sunday I would be recording in Heaven that I did not respect his command enough to honor his wishes. Keeping the Sabbath Holy is not a matter of Obeying The commandments as given to Moses as much as it is a time to demonstrate whom I do worship and if I did continue to do the law of Moses it would more be in honor of that one God and my trusting him more than any other.

Also, I want to record here that my father is doing very poorly and it is troublesome.

Noticed about the effect of my playlist

First of all, I noticed that my mood is directly related to the thoughts which are a result of the music I listen to that day. I have noticed the music follows a pattern, and the days and times that certain music is played I really like the way it feels and it is at those times that I feel "ten foot tall and bullet proof."

We are all aware of the effect music has on us. It is used in religous meetings to invite a spirit. The rhthym of religious leaders was studdied ina musicology class I took in college. When we have naptime in headstart music is used to soothe and lull the wee ones to sleep and create an atmosphere conducive to restfullness. We all have heard ambient music used in resturaunts, elevators, or even create emotion in movies or elevate what was trying to be achieved already...thoughts take s tangent on Wagner, but I am not going to write those thoughts. But, I just noticed in my day how much improvment comes to a day by the prescence of music.

I think of that song by Dido "if my house fell down I wouldn't have a clue...because you called me." I had that experience at work one day at the Bon Marche. Everything was terrible, then Jim called and then I felt like everthing was perfect. Ok. So, my life does not change, but it seems different. I think the samething about music. It is not the order of tones or the way words are used that changes anything. It is the thoughts in my head that have been caused by the music. Or... To other Latter-day Saints I suggest that it is the presence of a particular spirit, like the way a certain voice on the telephone entirely changed my perspective. Certain music is accompanied by certain emotions and those emotions are evidence of something. It is easy to see how otherwise brilliant Greek and Roman thinkers thought things we the handiwork of particular diety. They were correct. I observe a feeling exactly associated to something not seen with our eyes.

Not good, but don't know why

Apparently, this is all in wakeful vagueness.  The very thing I held as back up plan was explored enough to reveal misery of a worse kind instead of the freedom I had so desperately hoped for.  It really changes nothing really, just a reworking of thoughts and aspirations.

I figure I ought to be grateful but I am just angry when I cannot actually pinpoint how I know of a trap, but I had written in a journal/photo album years ago these words that they might not be forgotten: "the first step to avoiding a trap is knowing of it's existance." Paul further inquires, "but father, if we know that it is a trap, why go forward?" And in that case the trap was not avoided but was the means to achieve a purpose. It remindsme of Eve asking if there was another way when she realized that she was trapped by her aspirations.

So, this is my journal where I record my underlying awareness of a plot intended to do harm.  And this is my plan to enter it willingly though reluctantly.

I am very upset and wish to be ignorant because I feel betrayed but I have not prepared another way yet, anyway.

Inigma

It occurred to me that my seperation might be due to not sharing anything entirely with anyone. Buts and pieces here and there. What with so much written online, surely someone could divine the rest, right? Well, google with emails, search engine algorythims and even Youtube has not managed to guess right, then all the social stuff like facebook, twitter, instagram et al a very warped picture would be painted of any of us... I must pause to contemplate how trusting we are of netflix for accurrate history or even scientists to tell us definitively about long dead cultures or specieces. Even I cannot trust my own memories to create my person. My siblings used to claim that my memory was incorrect even when I recalled exact details. Even now when others talk about things Idid or was present for it seems unreal to me. Early this morning, for instance, I was trying to recall what I did at several jobsand I could not even piece together a single day, although I have memories of things that happened like the ONE time I answered my telephone because I was trying to help my best friend repair her computer and she was trying out the modem and ecpected to call back, so I answered "what happened?" Or maybe just "what" and it was actually Tal Bachman. Naw, probably just made that up sorta like the time the one boy I had a huge crush on, but he NEVER EVER talked to me although he saw me regularly, called me and asked me to the prom which I had just made a wager with my best friend from Early Morning, very early morning seminary that I would go to the prom with him. After I got offthe phone I had to ask my mom if I just talked to someone. I actually did not believe it because he still never spoke to me, so I wouldn't talk about it to anyone cause it likely never happened. Then his sister asked if I was really going to the prom with Andrew. I didn't act like it. I still wonder if that happened. It seems like a wierd thing to verify. I should write more journals, like I did to record every detail when Lena was born cause memories cannot be trusted.

so, where was I?

Yeah, so I have been rather covert and misleading intentionally and then upset because I am so misunderstood, well duh!

I will remain close to God because he alone has been given the whole story and could begin to understand why I do what I do or am who I am. I always thought I was so alone because no one shared my beliefs and living in Utah would change that. Nope. Even though people know the reasons and dogma many do not internalize it and seem to me to not take it seriously so why would I open up tothem about how life changing and miraculous certain principles are? Sure,they likely understand at least but i share more spirituality with my southern baptist friends.

A thing I don't think anyone knows is that in all of my plans I fully intended to have made a full recovery by now, it would have happened and I still believe it could but turns out I will likely need to wait for one of my sons to care enough for me, if he even still loves me enough at such an age. So far, they both love and respect me enough so we will see. I mean "what's seven years to forever..." (Lyrics from a song I wrote about Jacob and Rachel)

Day 3 of water fast

Honestly, I felt like I was cheating yesterday because I ate dinner with the family, but it was actually right on track. It is day three of my fast, and I am supposed to feel terrible, but I only have a huge headache, which I might have had anyway. Today will be additionally hard because I will not be allowing myself water as well.

But, my stomach is groaning, so maybe something is happening. The thing I am doing to make my diet more healthy and manageable is allowing myself food between 4 and 6 pm only. This corresponds with dinner, so that I will not appear to fast to my loved ones and that is important to me.

It also insures that although I reap benefits, I do not deny my body things it needs. I already try to rationalize that my body looks fine and this is rediculous; until, I remember that it is to reset my body from the terrible habbits it has aasumed, and I might be able to get back to good, and such thought encourages me and prods me on. Admitedly, I am more tired, and find it more difficult to do physical activities, but I figure that is exactly what I should be doing then.

My daughter just woke up saying that she could not sleep because she was too warm... need to go take care of that.

Jodi Foster paranoia

What is this? It is an expression of my great confusion explained through observation of another. Jodi Foster has expressed a fear that she missed something that is crucial for all those who studied to perform, she is simply a natural and it jusr happened that she stumbles upon a greatness others emulate. She thinks at times, although she is great in her own achievements, that she is committing a terrible faux pas among theatre students of which she is unaware because she has never recieved the formal training "everyone" else did.

I feel a similar paranoia when I am among my "kind". I was actually excited to come to Utah and be among other Latter-day Saints. I am one of them and have the same fruits, but I do not come to my conclusions through the same thoughts. I do not know the ways a utah mother teaches but I just know it is not the same way, yet I do fit in, and yet, I sorta don't. 

I intended to liken this idea that had been in my head since I saw an interview years, and YEARS ago to the Book of Mormon story of Enos. In that Enos has heard the words of his father and they were there just waiting for a moment to rush forward and making themselves known at precisely the right moment.

But, instead I want to use another analogy. My paranoia reminds me of taking an algebra test and getting all of the correct answers, but not showing the work correctly. I barely passed college algebra although it was so very simple, because we were supposed to be learning  tp show our math as evidence.

I am falling asleep and that was the goal, so adieu.

Haunted

This is getting frustrating. Ok, I will skip the story and just say that I am haunted by the idea that I will not expect things. I expect the unexpected because of that so things cannot happen.

In my story, nothing did happen because I thought the situation was unexpected, so it was expected, right?

Addendum:This phone frustates me so much. Sort of like... I get it.

It auto corrects all the time, it makes me think maybe my husband isn't that bad of a typist after all...as this is his old phone.

I found old "girly" photos, that he must not have erased.but, that really doesn't upset me anymore,nor does the blatent lieing to my face. Afterall, it is just his dark past that he is supposedly ashamed of, but loves to recall...  Need to go bake Cookies for Joe, now that I have peanutbutter, etc (He loves peanut butter, oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies).

Sherlock.

Day 3

I have been sticking to a strick regimen and figure if I can do so when ill ir wull be all the easier when I am well.

I want to fall asleep, but the nag never goes away that I ought to communicate something. It is now almist time for a new day. I wonder if my subconcious is trying to tell me something, but my conscious mind will not have it, so I avoid sleep because in dreams things do not have to make sense, the ideas that linger can be tested and discarded as silly dreams, but my dreams started getting less fictional feelung and more like an instant replay of life with things I missed being pointed out. But, though I start to believe that is really how things transpired, I know they did not. Like great realizations that I want to make, but they are not so...unless I pray enough. Oh, that is rediculous. Back to the meat and potatoes of daily life.

I walk 5 miles per day. I do wii fit for 30 mins. I do at least 100 sit ups. That regiment seems simple enough, but why am I do tired? Cause I am fighting an illness, too. On a list of benefits beyond the long term expected ones, my back has stopped hutting!

A bit late

It may well be a tad behind what would be considered a mark of development of mankind, but I have found peace in my no longer being and object of beauty. I only wish that I would have been admired and loved when I was deserving of such, but I am just now understanding why it was said that if you want a sincere and unbiased opinion, one ought to ask a woman past her 40's. I also remark on a comment that is very influential in that it is commonly understood, but in my case later (better late than never). I will not be overly concerned with my decline to the point that it overshadows what could take it's place as being an area where I may truly shine. Ok here was the comment:" How unfortunate it is to have experience such great loss, for at the same time I noticed hair missing, I also lost my waistline."
I always noted how men lamented a wife who was married because of her beauty,  but such beauty had passed shortly after marriage. I always assumed it was the sign of a good marriage, as the purpose of beauty was to attract the opposite sex. I always figured that if I ever truly won someone's heart it would show in my loss of not my looks, but my need to maintain them.
But, as much as I sincerely want to be young and attractive still, I am consigned to let it gracefully go and instead focus on developing what remains. If we are to be resurrected with perfect bodies then I have not truly lost anything. I was more keenly aware of  that when I lost my poise and many abilities. When I am resurrected,  I will be restored to a body for eternity that is of such fineness that exceeds what I ever accomplished in the first place, and from the parable of the talents I learn that to gain more I ought to earn more. This cannot be done by lamenting the passing of beauty that proportionally in eternity will become increasingly more and more insignificant.

Because, I have no where else to put it, but I do not want it in obvious sight, I will say this: I wonder what Mary, queen of Scotland, was lead by if not the hand of God. Because, we are often made aware that Catholicism is not the Church of God. I think. Well, then how would one worship or be in communion with God at such times as there truly was no religion of any entire truth. I do believe there is truth in every religion, and that truth comes from God. So God was in both protestantism and Catholicism, but what made Mary tick? Often, as I feel so deeply for her, I start to think that I can understand her, but such empathy comes from assuming that she truly is motivated by a hand of God, but that cannot be right? Hmmmm. Spain was catholic and Spain is responsible for the colonization of America and I easily admit that Colombus was lead by the hand of God.

Oh, such are the things foremost in my thoughts in the wee hours of the morning when I ought to be sleeping.

My choice

Because I do believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is actually teaching the words of God, it is my choice to gollow what it teaches. It is hard because my husband is not treating me as even an equal, and that leaves a huge gap for other doctrines to fill in and make me feel like that "energy level" is filled, when it is not. I realize it is only a temporary fix, and so many odeas get pork barreled into my nucleas and Although rejecting false items seems counter intuitive and to fix everything sometimes we need to break one rule to ultimately fix what needs fixing, I must choose the best and reject the false as much as I feel like I might break or cannot take it, this is not the "break" that I need. I know that much.

I choose instead to endure what seems like I cannot and wait for the real slim shady to stand up. Yes, I incorporate humor into my most serious moments, sorry. I know it is a fault, but I never proclaimed perfection, just that I do believe it is possible, and am going to try.

It reminds me of my early days teachong Microsoft Official Cirriculum. I always felt under qualified, but would tell my students that despite my inadequacies,  I had achieved something that they hoped to and I was qualified to teach them enough.  Although I was not an expert in their field, and was a very young GIRL, I knew what they needed to know, not everything, but if their goal was to get that certification I had done it and wanted to help them do it.

I idolize my God and I do not know how he did so many things, but I still believe that I can be like him. And maybe like my mortal father, Heavenly Father probably isn't a perfected being yet, either (How boring to exist without room for growth) but He has achieved being a thing I consider perfect. And foremost, He is a parent.

maybe, no, no maybe about it

my phone was taken away yesterday, and by information I know is reliable. Although, I am as always prone to believe what makes logical sense first, regardless, I am not even going to look for it. I do not need it at all. I only used it because it was the supplied and easiest method to accomplish things that I needed to do for my kids, but yesterday, a thing pointed out as important was being resourceful, and this is a great practice for me to diversify and realize that I am not imagining. I will most certainly be provided a way to accomplish all things I must regardless of how such attempts may be thwarted. Life is so much better when not relying on such a dilapidated crutch. It is alot like thinking that I needed a vehicle when clearly I do not. My phone was in such a badcondition anyway. The stress it caused was not worth the benefit.

Never done this before

I really do not know what this is going to do, but we will see. I loved this because it says "wants" instead of needs and I felt terrible for wanting more than I need in some instances. It seemed to go against the thing I had been taught about being self reliant.

Looks like it didn't work.

Here this is what I was reading tonight:

Early in the meeting, he told the sisters that they were to encourage “the brethren to good works in looking to the wants of the poor—searching after objects of charity, and in administering to their wants—to assist by correcting the morals and strengthening the virtues of the female community.”

This makes me think such behavior must be part of what God desires for his children.