dream

It was the oddest dream. I was having a dinner at someone's house, sort of hidden away like on a underground train kind of thing. I was so thankful for food. When I came to sit down at the table there was food and an empty plate, So I took he empty plate, then someone said "Max is getting some chilli for you." I went into the next room and saw Max and Michael and they handed me a roll and a drink, I jokingly said "Well, everything smells up to par for you." Michael said "yeah" then choosing a seat was ackward it was a small table with four seats. So,  I sat across from Max instead of beside him thinking it was less assumptive (thinking of the biblical teaching of being called to a feast take the lesser seat lest you choose wrong.) but that put a bottle (12 oz.) of Vernor's infront of Max and I and knowing that he was the king I wanted a drink, but didn't know if I was allowed. I saw him take another drink so I took the bottle in my hand and Michael got really offended and told me that now I had taken things a bit too far. He was very angry with me and in his explination of my offenses he explained that took his seat.

I also remember another conversation as we ate, I was complimenting Max, Jason, on his acting at one point. I thought that it was brilliant, and that pleased him. But, I honestly was impressed, and gave details just to be sure that he knew that I was sincere, because I figured that getting compliments must be a common thing and nearly a tiring thing. I wanted to be different then the pleased masses who showered him with praises.

Wrap things up

 It is Thursday. I remember looking at the date and thinking it meant something, but then thinking that must've been in another life, cause it means nothing to me.
I thought of a cool notion today, it will take a whole lot of time and persistance, but when I accompish it I will be so grateful forever, really.

It isn't even 7 pm but the kids are in bed. I did try to wear them out at the park this afernoon, but Hannah told me that it was her experience that wearing the kids out tends to wear the parents out. I really am tired. I have completed all of my chores, and although my teeth and my back are hurting me quite badly. I think that the hardest thing to deal with and is nearly constantly on my mind is my anxiety to do something, anything regarding my plan, but I don't really think it is a sort of plan that can be accomplished immediately.

The song "dynamite" just came on, the children love that song, they like to sing it.
Gavin is showing a lot of talent in playing the piano by ear, and he enjoys doing it the first thng he does when he wakes up is play the piano.  He says that he hears songs in his head and wants to try to play them. I suspect he gets that from me. Somehow it was transferred. I just want to encourage his love of music all I can. Lena is demonstrating a very high aptitude for drawing and Brooksie? She just likes to have fun, Uh, I mean sing and dance, I do really think she is good, but I'm her mom. And she doesn't take negative comments well, So I really do not think that is the best career choice for her.
A grandfather so wisely spoke of the talents of his grand daughter. He said that she was just super talented at everything. And at this point in her life buiding confidence was more important than anything in giving feedback. I whispered to Nick, in our class, that his comment remnded me of the art show on Yo Gabba Gabba when Toodee's art was unvieled, it looked terrible and the music came to a sudden halt. then Foufa said, "That's really great art, Toodee!" Everything continued merrily.
 Joseph ought to become an actor. He is extremely good, Mary Anne is too young, but she demonstrates a propensity for writting/drawing (she scribbles alot) and a love of books. I need a library for her to grow accustomed to and learn to value good literature. For instance, when older, she can see a certain title and remember that was a book that mom had so if she hadn't read it yet, she will.

That is all, I feel like saying about today.

Lonely monday

Everyone has their own reasons to be unhappy on Monday, for me, it was having my family ripped away from me all over again. I don't know how long I can handle it. I was really suprised though that the kids saw right through my frosting reference, like Czechoslovakians. I suddenly felt the need to indulge in my frosting obsession, so we baked a cake, I thought there was no harm in that. Nick got wierd about me spending money on food items that we do not need. Well, I do not need to be alive or eat anything, I guess, but I do. Anyway, he got mad and I decided it was best to ignore than to retaliat. I just absorbed myself in the children, then they left, and it is lonely. Joseph was on a very good behavior though so I took him to the store and looked at frosting, didn't get any, but I got Joe a helicopter toy/candy, and myself some resees pieces. now, there is a metaphor for me. I really do not really even notice the outer shell or it's color, but I just almost need them if I start to eat them, so, I limit myself and just look at them, and I was thinking about how much they look like M&M's on the outside. I guess that's about how much the outside matters to me. Joseph is calling for me to save his truck, huh, wonder how one does that...

A really stupid point... ha ha get it?

I was thinking about how my favorite scene in the English Patient is the part where he says that he loves that bony part under your chin, and it was the most beautiful part of her body. I have always thought most highly of my wrists and ankles, and loved knees, hands, and the most beautiful part of a body to me is the bridge of the nose. I just love it, And one guy I dated I couldn't get over the colors of his face and hair and lips, it's funny, that I didn't think much of his eyes or eye brows, but he had the most perfect shading. That is what I was thinking about tonight how much I loved to look at the bridge of people nose. Brandall told me that he thught I had a big nose, strange, but that he had always liked big noses. I have great wrists, even after my body has nearly been anhilated, my wrists and ankles are still pretty.

diet

I know what you're thinking, if you're thinking what I'm thinking. :) and, my first thought when I typed the word diet was to make a joke out of the word diet. It starting with the same letters that spell the word die. Which is undeniably, how all diet's feel when they start out. But, I really was going to announce the breakthrough I had with my latest diet!

My "breakthrough" came as I decided to quit, or fall off the wagon as my husband put it. I realized why so many of them did not work for me to the point that I do not believe any testimonials or read them, no matter how heartfelt they may be. For me, they do not work because the claim is that they will cause weight loss, and I have noted quite the opposite, and so I assume they are not working.

Some diets I even wanted to work so badly that I began excercising, too. which only caused weight gain. Starvation is the only diet that seemed to work for me, but it is unhealthy.

My last diet made me extremely hungry, and I got so ill that I decided that I needed to listen to my own body for a while and stop trying to make it conform to standards that theoretically work well. Since I quit my diet, I actually noticed a change in how I feel, and that I have lost weight.

This first bit makes me pause. A ton of "bad" things make us feel better so how we feel cannot be the motivating factor. This morning the kids were watching a video where a cartoon character said, " How can someone who lived so long ago know what is right for me?" the response is wonderful. " His words bring peace." The character replied, "Well, my teachings bring pleasure." food for thought, even for parents. We are all aiming for revelance, or happiness, and closely resembling happiness is pleasure. So, too often we think if pleasing ourselves makes us happy then, it is the goal.

Ultimately, we find peace and that is what I have found in my attempts to reconcile the cause and effect of dieting. Many things might bring what they claim; however, I needed to realize that what is right or what causes are observed in others might not be the same in me. For instance, I have found that novacaine has no effect whatsoever on me, though it is not considered a false placebo drug to be tossed out. Likewise, I do not have the same reactions to other things like allergies that others do.

Naturally, it comes back to relgion. something is no less true simply because it is not a perfect fit for you, hence we see such diversity in systems of belief. For a moment I must go back to medicine. Cures are universal only if we are. What is healthy for one is supposed to be healthy for all. We make the same generlizations in religion, afterall we are all children of God so we share that commonality. right? (silence) right? (aside) um, (tapping microphone) is this thing on?

"This is my temporary home"

I feel like breaking into song, but I always do.I am sure my family is glad that I cannot. I used to enjoy living like musical, dancing around as I did things, but I cannot do that either, yet. There was a time when I could not do things like eat and walk, but I can now. I find the way when a thing becomes necessary.

We just got back to Utah after being in Washington for 5 days, to go to the temple so that Brandy Lewis could get her endowments! It was so wonderful. The Weather was nice, Joseph got sick though, and the missionaries had to come give him a blessing. but, he seems well now, but Mary and I are ill and Nick excused his poor behavior on illness, So I guess that he is sick, too. I am so glad we never went to see Lotus, now, too. Or else her children might have gotten ill again, a very terrible thing for them, so I obeyed that little voice telling me that I ought not try to go see her, though I did have to fight my natural inclinations. But, I did meet Hidi Borup, and that was awesome! She taught me things particularly about myself that I never had thought of or considered. And as I was about to take a nap today that never happened I had this thought, that I'd like to remember: If Meeting Lotus is what I want, I wil have it, only not now. at a future time, it will be the right time, and I will get to meet her and I even thought of how much fun it would be to do something fun like bake cookies, like those Oatmeal Raisin cookies, or Mrs. Millers, or those Rootbeer float ones that I still haven't tried,

I could rant like no bodies business about how terrible Nick is, but I still need to go to Michigan, so I'll pretend things are fine, but I really hate him, and so many things about him. Still, I do think that those children are important, far more important than me enduring him for a while, but what if I die? I will have wasted the chance to be sealed to one that I love forever, just because I was wanting the children to have a mother and father, but my other kids, ooooh! let me tell you one thing that got me sooooo mad today. We spent 5 days in WA and John paid for everything, I felt really guilty, which no woman ever should. It reminded me of what was so good in my life with my parents and Brandall. Nick decides on budgets and denies things that I try to include him on the descision, though he never even listens to the idea, he just vetos it under the implication that it isn't included on this budget which I have no say in, and he hides things from me and accuses me of trying to steal his PIN, like I would give a crap. I just don't understand why if he wants to keep "His" finances so secret that he doesn't just create a seperate shared account for us. Instead, I have no way to get money and no access to a car, but am forbidden to even be taught how to drive his. This is not a happy life, not one God intended. I, though conversations with others, have come to realize that God does not condone my mariage at all anyway. But, I digress. So, he got upset because I wanted to buy pinata candy for my son's birthday. He forbade me. He refuses them any money, because he doesn't like them and openly says so, they know it, too. Again, not the sort of life I imagined. I was explaining to Hdi and Brandy how I still do feel a bit of sorrow because my new life with Nick as supposed to be much different, but, instead, it is worse than the one I had with Brandall, making that one look good (but, I do not need to be reminded that my life with Brandall was not one headed in the right direction).

Brandall would have definately wanted to adopt my children. He is a much better man than Nick, and though it is not obvious because I have forgiven him, He did do many terrible things regarding me. almost unbelievably horrible. Mom calls him a "good weather friend". He seems so good unless you need someone to have your back. I never even tried to hide the fact that I had children, and Nick still married me, but will have no part of the Older kid's life. That really frustrates me, too. But, my issue was that he might claim that his failure comes from not having a job, but I see it as a failure to step up to his responsibilities. He believes that he has none regarding those children but, I am their mother and they have full claim on me, and should not even ever be concerned with such issues as: if they will have a birthday party because mom's husband doesn't like them or have enough money. Money ought never to even cross their minds. They are kids and ought to be happy. So, John took care that we never even knew the price of things, it only mattered that we wanted them. Also, I was very upset that Nick did not even bring alot of the gifts that we got for the Lewis's that had been sitting in a box in our kitchen for nearly a year. I see a huge problem with Nick not stepping to the plate regarding his financial obligation, and I feel, as with all other things that I am going to have to fend for myself, if I want anything, So, I plan to use my Christmas and birthday money to open my own account, and start making my own money. I do not think he is even partially ready for the responsibility of being a husband or a father. For him, it is better that he remain single. It is clear that is the life style he likes and hopes to live still, only for him a wife means someone will always feed you and do whatever he wants at the time. He calls it "Putting up with his crap." which phrase I agree to, but define it differently, but we have children now, and he is working with the bishop to deal with his "issues".

I really want to just leave right now, I'm so mad, but I'm not at the breaking point yet. I can still see beyond the immediate consequences. I'll endure because I want my children to be happy, and I really want to do what is right. I know that I did what was right in going to washington, And more good will result of that than almost anything else that I've done.

The weather was nice, It only rained when we were indoors anyway, and it wasn't really rain, and it didn't last.

I am feeling quite sick, but I still am not asleep, what's your problem girl! I'm having a major pity party cause my children are gone now, well, not Joseph and Mary. hey! where's Baby Jesus? :) Today was a great day, at one point a guy told a story about being in Guatamala and getting a picture of a guy standing on a pyramid because he wanted to remember the cool accoustical phenomenon he said that it was relevant to our lesson because it was on how a large congregation of people were gathered to hear one man speak, and how it is said that King Benjamin stood on a platform to adress them (this was before microphones). In Relief Society, I was really impressed by several thoughts converging on me almost too difficult to sort them all out, but the jist was that Our ancestors need us to help them, and I don't have an excuse to not be so inclined and active, as long as I breathe I must help, it is a sure thing and I also believe that they, in turn care about me, and will do whatever they can to aid me. I believe, I will be reunited with them again. They are what matters. I had been musing on a point of timing, I even worked out a lecture on this topic, in my head. Howard W. Hunter explained that getting married in the temple was the right way t was to be done, he firmly answered my lingering question, leaving no rom for question. We know the soul is eternal, and we will live forever, so knowing that ought to effect how we choose between things of assumed value. My little family here feels different because it *is* different. it is not eternally sealed. One lady told of her profound experience of being with her close family andher husbands family in the temple and how she felt a connection, as one was forged. I thought on exactly a feeling I had several times, how no matter what I do or pray, I feel no connection or desire to be with Nick's family. I really ought to be a part of it, I think, but I just do not feel or desire it. I think it is because I am not anything more than legally contracted to him, until I die. Before I was sealed to Brandall,I had done a lot of genealogical work for his ancestors, I felt so close to him, those children are mine nd his and I felt like a family. I feel the biggest difference in the world! Such a feeling can be explained easily by the teachings of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe that I am here because for some reason that is where my ancestors want me. It is so strong, I almost cannot explain it. There is more that I will not write but let it suffice to say that I think that something marvelous is about to happen in my life and I want to be ready. Um, today it was hot, and sunny. We walked to church and Brooksie taught Mary Anne to use the steps!