Fast trackin

Potential was like a cloud, that I watched and considered it pretty, but it floated away the closer I drew.

Now, Realizing that giving up was not an option I have a whole lot of catching up to do to ever be considered fit enough to deserve or be equally yoked to my potential.

It is possible... Oh, How funny I must seem, er change that to amusing, to omniscient persons. If my life were ever understood there would be a whole lot of voice overs to include thoughts cause they help the plot along.

Fortunately, my movie is an interactive one and the audience knows the outcome already, I am the only one who doesn't it seems sometimes.

I wanted to say a bit about how I rewatch things nearly incessantly if I like them. It is part of the reason I like them. Each rewatch I bring a different mindset to the viewing and see different things. Which thing was intended? Yes.

I am slowly grasping the concept Brandall explained years ago. The key to being understood is in not saying everything. The best example was music videos. He seemed to get them, but I struggled. He explained that it is not seeing a naked girl that expresses anything, but hinting. Then I noticed how movies that are the best only show enough to make you curious.

I was also taking a new approach to making videos. Instead of looking for a video to express what I thought was said by the song. I found a video that said something I liked and put various music to it, and watched it change both could say so much more together because they were not tied down to some preset meaning, to me.

Ah, just part of my zooming through states of existing until I mature enough to Match my potential, which is my real goal, not being something other than the perfectly intended me.

Easter egg hunt

Well, it was as good as long bunny ears. You guessed, it was a flop. Joseph thought he would rather hide candies than eat them, and Mary Anne preferred earring poop to her chocolates *sigh* at least that is over and maybe we will have great memories instead of just nightmares.

Day of rest

We went shopping twice, which is no easy task with a 2 year old and 3 year old. We walked to the park, it was fun, but lest I forget, this am when I went to get Mary Anne, she had removed her diaper and put on a pair of Lena's panties. I didn't scold her, cause at least she recognized her indecency.

Joseph used his potty last night and I applauded him for it. The kids watched countless episodes of super why, I just hope they learned something.

I got to take a nap, and I am still exhausted. I must be fighting off an infection. My mother has,been very sick and right now, a dear friend is suffering the throes of a terrible illness. Can you imagine being sick for over a month, while trying to move, with three children a broken car, and husband with a new job. Terrifying, huh? She is such an example though. Her perspective and fortitude amaze me. Most notably is the love she has for her husband and children. I wish I could do more, maybe I ought to show more gratitude for my own fortune and pray that I stave off this debilitating illness.

Blah

I have not got anything of interest to others to pass on today. I am in a strange mood. I think that today I will devote to understanding Paul, the apostle. He is the most alluring real man I know of. Ooops, I ended a sentance with a preposition.

So, what is up? My older kids will be here tonight, and for that I am so thankful, and pensive.

I just cannot shake an idea, which suggests it is either true or important. But, I fail to see anything with regards to me as important so I lean toward true, but I put my nose in a book to avoid my own thoughts. Afterall, I know that I was commanded to be a student of the scriptures and to let those precepts and doctrines influence me, so there is no question as to if that is good.

Oh yeah! I recently got this tip from a random source: God is peace, and Satan can imitate many things but he cannot imitate peace. So, I can use that sure thing to judge other unsure things. Is this influence peaceful and happy. Lol, funny thoughts just pop into my head. I thought, well, my kids are definetly devil spawn then, they do not cause peace at all. I am not that foolish, it was just a quick funny thought. I need to nurture and develop peaceable attitudes. I know that the natural, unwise man is an enemy to God, but isn't is strange that God would create an enemy? But, I guess that is where Love comes in. It is needed as much as an opposite. We can over one with love.

Ah hah! That explains what has felt so wrong, though I could not understand it. I foolishly believed the words that someone loved me when, the evidence says otherwise. I feel 100% certain that Love gives us the power to overcome, so if that is true, or a brick in my building of truth, than to fit anything else on that building, it,must agree.

If love is the power to overcome. It needs something to overcome, and if it doesn't accomplish anything it wasn't love.

I might go back to sleep for a while. Sleep is peaceful and all :)

Cinnamon

Strange. It sorta goes along with me telling Nick how my accidents are seen as tremendous skill.

I had read that Cinnamon was a multipurpose drug known to even cure diabetes.

It was not intentional that I have been putting extra cinnamon in the smoothies or the sweet potato chocolate chip cookies. Likewise, it is sheer Coindidence that I bought cinnamon steusel cakes, and am enjoying one right now. If it fights off any diseases, that might otherwise plague me or my family, it is lucky coincidence alone.

I am in the bath eating a little Debbie cinnamon steusel cake.

"You don't know you're beautiful."
Everyone else in the world can see it!

Uh, cinnamon actually has 2 n's. Sue me. Ah cannot spel.

Another Fast Sunday - check

I laughed quite hard at Gavin, who is 7 and not required to fast, asked when he would GET to starve, too. Sometimes I wonder if that boy actually likes anything for himself. He reasoned with me pointing to his birthday on the calendar, as if I could forget. He said that he wanted a faster Sunday, too. He thinks that he can make time go faster by not eating and he wants to try it. He asked why he had towait until he was baptised. What a cutie!! He and Joseph make a great tag team of wit. The stuff they think of I could never make up. Like Joes answer to Gavin regardig which hand had the desired toy.  He said,"yours." Or the little note he gave me from his primary class. It was such a great and inspired idea, It was a blank (which he filled in) then it said  "Did I have a preisthood blessing? Can you tell me about it?" He filled in the blank "Dear Mom, Dad, and teeth." What can I say but, I love him! And I mean it.

Happy Anniversary to me

Uh,not too happy. But why should it be? On February 23rd, 2001 I was sealed in the The Temple to one I intended to love forever, It seems that to so many this is not a big deal, but to me it was, and what happenedwas completely out of ny cobtrol, but I was being protected.
The most important thing to find in mortal life is love and though I loved Brandall entirely, and obviously I still kinda do, but I can see how it was necessary for him to divorce me. It is this simmple: If you can live without it, you should. And life was better for hin to get rid of me because I was just holding him back.

This is important for me to understand because I stuck with Nick because he claims undying devotion. I donot want to have to teach hin this lesson,mostly out offear that it will not be comprehended anyway. He values the things he knows to much to acknowlege that they may be wrong. He claims that he is trying to change, but that it is slow and difficuly. Love is the power to overcome. If he really lobed me he would bot haveever risked loosing me, but he only worries about himself, or how he will be percieved. Mostly about himself, like everyone else. loving yourself is not a sin, not loving others more is. He appears valiant but it is like the man who obeys all the laws because they fear punishment.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtJuVwstyE0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKW0uelA6Dw

Today, I want to throw away every nonessential thing. And it is very snowy and coldm and I am in my pajamas. I am going to take a break.

Lastly, I thought this, but did not have anywhere to say it:

I am increasing in my resolve and dissatisfaction and have not reached a boiling point yet. And thefact that I am even close says something. This is my recurring thought, He has been playing the "My past is so dark" card for far too long. No doubt it will come up again, he has been integrating it since highschool. The other thing that gets to ne is the whole Pity me. My Mom died. That is terrible, but, we all loose someone and must decide if we will wallow in pity or use it to overcome because we want to be with them again.

I kept trying to think of where I would like to say thism without saying it,nbut I wanted to record it so that I could remember feeling that way if I for whatever reason in thefuture started doubting my choice.