Yeterday, it snowed, today has been Nice. Nick went to the store to get stuff at his lunch break while I was taking a bath. it is very boring today, wich is not good for my over active mind. if I seek to control it, I cannot sit here doing nothing. I think i'll watch "Awake" though if joseph cries enough, I'll watch Mighty Machines just to shut him up.
Ok, I wasted enough time on this silly computer. I made a video called " girl meets astronaut" but, it didn't take me very long. oh well. Nothing more to say about today. the year is supposed to end in 2012, we'll see, if so this is pretty pointless.
I needed to add a gripe I had yesterday, that needs to be addressed or else, Nick accusingly asked me where a certain paper came from, like he already concluded and just wanted me to squirm, but he was out of line and wrong, and made me feel nothing but more bitterness towards him and understand why I do. He is always accusing me of things and is almost always completely wrong about things, and it is so important to me to be trusted, butr he clearly does not trust me, so I do not want to build anything on that sort of foundation.
It came back again to his snoring. It is not the act of snoring that irritates me, it is him. I have lovingly listened to others snore thinking it was such a lovely and comforting sound, but others just the thought of them breathing though not heard, upset me alot.
Today, I decided something. I hate sitting at the computer unless I have to, and I don't have to. I decided that come what may, after my parents visit this fall, I'm outta here, if not sooner. Nick is so rude to me he just accused me of making Joseph fat, if anything I'd feel guilty of starving the boy, but it's pointless. It is his lifestyle, all of us ought to have a different life style and if anything is going to change around here, I've got to do it.
I was thinking about why I am always so obviously ill-treated. anyone can see it painly. It is because I just let myself be used and used until breaking point. I've just been cursed to be with people, who seem good, but when asked to live a higher life, they can't do it and ultimately are selfish and I am misused as they fail miserably. The problems in my life come from my giving too much and never expecting anything. Like now, I do not expect Nick odo anything he doesn't want to, but he only wants to play video games on his computer and other little boy things. He is not at all the man I thought he was. I was again so much decieved. How did I let this happen. a voice whipers to me, "it's not too late. Don't just accept things as they are. strive for more and do not accept failed attempt from others, sure they might improve, but your old enough that improvement should've already have been done, if he's a looser, he'll not change". Nick lives in Utah and doesn't have his eagle scout and didn't serve a mission. and I really do think that he is not being honest with himself as to why he was divorced the first time. I'm shot.
gotta do dishes, but I don't feel like it. But, I will because that's who I am. Someone who does what they should.
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