Idiot Alert

there are days when I jus feel like a total dupe, this one of them, because I still keep trying for sometghing that I "know" is impossible, and then get upset when i fail! Looking on a person would think I was being a shear idiot, but it is like playing a game, even Lena told me about a time she was in last place on Mariokart and then just as she was about to cross the finish line everyone got hit by a shell and she ended up wining, Plus, there are the Hobbits in LOTR who never had much hope anyway, but it is the history of winning failures that keeps me trying. but, that makes me even more foolish,History isn't a good think to pattern on, like other fictional stories, they have been fashioned with a purpose in mind, not to simply capture what was.

Last night as I was making dinner I had the queerest thought that tried to ruin my moment of relaation, I thought what would my mind do to me if it was like one of those stories like Irobot or whatnot, in trying to help, like the auto type, it might try to fix things, and I thought of the perfect tale, Nick is accusing me of ADOS Attention Defecit, Ooooh! Shiney (Which he stole from meif we really do get to credit ideas) but he never gives any credit only uses his mind to accuse. But, I really do loose track of things, I always have been accused of Splitpersonalities, and Even in the Psychiatric ward I met people who were really schizophrenic and they didn't believe it. So, I thought it was funny that doctors would ask me if I was insane or heard voices or saw things that no one else did. You know, Actually, Jane Eyre did, and so did Catherine Linton, so, It really does make an interesting story. I believe that it was a Law and Order episode, maybe Bones though, where their witness had personality troubles.

It would perfectly blame how I end up in situations that I cannot explain, and almost opposites in things I have been said to have done. I always loved Shirley Jackson's "Bird's Nest." I wonder if it is just my mind's way of protecting me, ayway, I came up with this crazy scenario where I told Brandall all of these things that I haven't even told myself yet. I suppose that would explain how he was so right on the mark, and said that it was too embarassing to tell me, but, maybe I told him to divorce me, regardless. It sounds weird, but would atleast be close enough to reality to make a very good story.

I think that I'll go be a fool in front of the TV for a while. I wish I could go to work, or complain about gas prices. Instead I just get hit, spit on, and bit by little kids who scream for hours at me.