I am feeling quite sick, but I still am not asleep, what's your problem girl! I'm having a major pity party cause my children are gone now, well, not Joseph and Mary. hey! where's Baby Jesus? :) Today was a great day, at one point a guy told a story about being in Guatamala and getting a picture of a guy standing on a pyramid because he wanted to remember the cool accoustical phenomenon he said that it was relevant to our lesson because it was on how a large congregation of people were gathered to hear one man speak, and how it is said that King Benjamin stood on a platform to adress them (this was before microphones). In Relief Society, I was really impressed by several thoughts converging on me almost too difficult to sort them all out, but the jist was that Our ancestors need us to help them, and I don't have an excuse to not be so inclined and active, as long as I breathe I must help, it is a sure thing and I also believe that they, in turn care about me, and will do whatever they can to aid me. I believe, I will be reunited with them again. They are what matters. I had been musing on a point of timing, I even worked out a lecture on this topic, in my head. Howard W. Hunter explained that getting married in the temple was the right way t was to be done, he firmly answered my lingering question, leaving no rom for question. We know the soul is eternal, and we will live forever, so knowing that ought to effect how we choose between things of assumed value. My little family here feels different because it *is* different. it is not eternally sealed. One lady told of her profound experience of being with her close family andher husbands family in the temple and how she felt a connection, as one was forged. I thought on exactly a feeling I had several times, how no matter what I do or pray, I feel no connection or desire to be with Nick's family. I really ought to be a part of it, I think, but I just do not feel or desire it. I think it is because I am not anything more than legally contracted to him, until I die. Before I was sealed to Brandall,I had done a lot of genealogical work for his ancestors, I felt so close to him, those children are mine nd his and I felt like a family. I feel the biggest difference in the world! Such a feeling can be explained easily by the teachings of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe that I am here because for some reason that is where my ancestors want me. It is so strong, I almost cannot explain it. There is more that I will not write but let it suffice to say that I think that something marvelous is about to happen in my life and I want to be ready. Um, today it was hot, and sunny. We walked to church and Brooksie taught Mary Anne to use the steps!

I just saw something that took the mind on an adventure with only words crafted so to hide the author behind layers of deciet. Frankly, I loved it! I am inspired. I need to think of a way to duplicate that. It was funny today at one of my most frustrated points, I thought, "Hey, this is so incredulous that I ought to be recording it." I had just heard on TV something about a comedy director so I told my children that was just another name for a mother. All I had to do is follow them around with a camera and I'd have a fine movie. It is important to see the funny things while things seem so desperate. I used to tell LeAnne, won't this make a much better story someday? Like the time we wore our PJ's to the BP station down the road to go to their bathroom, and we pushed the car down the driveway so as not to wake anyone up. Crazy? yeah, probably, but I would not have remembered it if she just said, "I have to go to the bathroom." after everyone had gone to bed. Or if I actually had a license the time I ran into a wall driving her car... Today was warm, and sunny. I expect tommorrow will be, too. Nick got my phone to work, today. It was the battery, not the phone, he got an entirely new phone anyway, but it still didn't work, until we replaced the battery. he got me a cover/case thingy, too. It helps for when I drop it,it sort of bounces now. Shhh! No one is supposed to know that, but you can, because you're an insider. :) I think that I'm getting sick. yesterday, My stomach hurt then, today I have a sore throat. I am sooooooo extremely tired! I picked out the songs for church and the clothes for the kids, now I really just ought to go to bed!

I ought to be writing in my gratitude journal

I am far too mad right now to think clearly enough to say anything relevant. This is the last straw, and he broke it. I was calmed after a nice warm bath after today was a disturbing day, I secretly hoped that Nick gets a job soon, because He is of no use around the house, but constantly makes demands as if he cannot see that I am slightly busy taking care of his children, whom he remember occassionally, when he looks up from his game. I was sooo exhausted, and he non chalantky made me cary Mary around in more stores and then dwadled saying that he was waiting on me, well that is truly funny, maybe he was, but shouldn't have been if he drove somewhere he must've had a reason. I wanted to go home and rest.

I ordered a new cell phone which arived today, it made me feel good to have my own phone! when he said something that was so profound, he said, "I'm sorry that your phone broke." but it was obvious that he wasn't concerned one bit about my phone or me. He is in complete denial that I shouldn't be doing the things I do, but instead insists that I don't do enough or ought to do more! He added, "You liked the phone just fine until it broke." Soooooo stinking what? I loved my marriage untl it was broken, too.It is not even a matter of liking the thing. I wasn't looking for s perfect phone or husband. I was looking for something functional, that would not break, Sure I'd prefer my other phone, but finances suggest another phone, likewise he made me realize that I prefered Brandall, but it was already proven that that wouldn't work, so it would be stupid to think the issue is ever a matter of what pleases me the most.

I am slightly handicapped in that My left side has a wierd form of paralysis, so I tend to not put caps on tightly, one who loved me might be just as concerned as Nick, but nick's concern isn't for me at all, but how that would effect him, and he gets mad and yells at me as if I do it on purpose, instead of just quiety fixing them for me as he knows that it is a trouble that I have. Well, He spilled all of my mouthwash all over the cothes I had cleaned, never giving a thpought to who would clean it up or what hardships it might cause me, his concern was just getting his things cleaned and if he spilled something, oh well. I should have put that lid on tighter!

I am getting alot stronger and alot wiser and able to realize the error of my situation, which if he had not always pushed me so hard to accomplish things that wew impossible, I might have ignorantly been happy until it was too late.

I'm tired. time to go to sleep and hope things will be better when I wake up. It feels good to be this sleepy, but with being so tired loose a lot of my "censure."

Whew!

Sundays always exhaust me, not from the escapades of getting little kids ready, but from all of the deep thinking, I do not KNOW this, but I expect that thinking generates a whole lot of energy, that must come from somewhere.

I tried to take a nap but ended up having a great convesation with Nick, where we discussed many of the heftier matters weighing on my mind, most notably was when I asked him how he escapes, in the form of this question: So what do you dream when you sleep?" I figured that would hold the answer to break up the monotony and stress of his work. He exlained that they are so far out there. very much beyond the ordinary. I commented how I dream of life just the exact way it happened only changing what I say or do, which makes my memories a bit faulty at times and then I fit in somewhere that his dreams were alot like his video games then, a way to escape. I suggested that he write a fantasy novel. I think it would be easy, obviously his mind creates the stories, he just needs to jot them down, but he said that he is not a writter. I was confused. I think he means that he won't write, not that he cannot. Now, I simply cannot write according to many standards, but I still try. I believe he really could be everything I want, but he just won't, which is a good segue for another topic. I told him that his culture is so engrained in people that they don't even realize it, but women need men because without them they are powerless (referring to the priesthood). He said that men needed women. I said yeah, that I figured that was why sex drive exsisted, so that women woud always be on a man's mind, otherwise, why would men ever want a woman. But, I argued that eventhough it sounds good, the priesthood could not exsist for families, because that means that without a family there would be no God. he said, "yep. but there is a heavenly mother and we are all organized by families."

Ok, I need to back up here and explain that there is a huge notable clash in Corinth between the "utah" faction and the indigenous "Mississippi" faction. Both feel that their culture or way to do things is right. I have a story that explains the utah way. a general authority was attending a class reunion with his wife. He was anxious because there would be aother boy there who dated his wife. but, as they met him, he ended up never ammounting to anything. So, on the way home the GA asked hos wife, "Aren't you lad that you married me?" and she responded, "Well, if I had married him. He would've been the Gerneral Authority." And, though it is funny. It truly represents a huge difference between cultures that I livew daily, and need to come up with a solution. Men think the woman defines them out here, and it obviously works for them. But, I always thought that it is not a woman's place to be bossy, but that it was intended to seek out a man who chose to develop certain attributes and they would be an indication of who he is and would become. Now, though, I feel like Nick is expecting me to "make" him into something that I want, but I married him because I thought that he would just become something I wanted, My focus is on the children.

Ok, that brings me to the next point I wanted to make. I was watching TV with brooksie and She was getting so upset at all of the inconsistancies, like everyone just joining in and already knowing the song and the dance perfectly, or this little insect knowing someone's name. I started doing it, too. I asked why they even made a bee talk anyway. The real thought worth having was that the "Magic" wasn't there anymore for her. She had grown up. Then, I started to think about how we do that, too. I think being a parent is the way we learn more to be like our Heavenly counterparts. When we get smart we loose the magic that made our fantasies so believable. It is natural, like with our own children, the time to coddle is over, There is a Scripture I mostly recall from the movie "The Mission" where DiNero endures a terrible trial and becomes a missionary as his balm. He applies this scripture: "When I was a child, I played with childish things..."

I tried a second time to go to sleep, but am still tired because of the energy I had to use to create such a dream, without details (no it wasn't explicit or anything just secret) there was this person thanking me for introducing them to another person who was someone they very much wanted to meet with, and had asked me to proof read a letter before it was mailed. I realized how much I had failed to see as I read the words intended for someone else. I could never be what I intended because the time had passed, and my priority was elsewhere and "what we do today effects who we become." (that was a quote someone in RS shared as it was on their refridgerator), oh yeah, our freezer is fristing over again!!! We just had to replace new food, well, I'm not going to do it again! I am just glad that it worked while thw kids were here.

I also realized the reason why I am so cold is that it should be warm, so even though it is warmer it feels colder. Also, it was rainng alot, I figure hat is normal, "April Showers" but we do live in a desert! Peopl around here comment on the extreme humidity.

I thought about how much i'd like to have a little lot of garden, maybe I could buy some seeds and grow then in the ward gsrden, if Nick cannot afford to get me some pots or something.

It is so wrong

I am wide awake when I ought to be sleeping, I will be so sleepy throughout the day, but at leas time passes more eventfully and fun when the older kids are here. Sure, they upset me, but for the most part I just love to have them around, really, I do! I cannot fathom that they actually were made by my body. It's crazy!

Today it was rainy and overcast all day. Brooksie wrote me a note on Joseph's little magnet doodle board telling me how sad she was and that she needed to go outside. lol. She said, in a note because it was something she wanted me to know, but not tell me, that everyone else epected her to be so good and perfect, but she couldn't meet their expectations. But, even though it was cold and rainy outside she just needed to go out. She even claimed that I made it rain so that she would be sad and bored. If only I was that powerful. Anyway, they are all asleep now, and I ought to be, but I'm just not tired.

Idiot Alert

there are days when I jus feel like a total dupe, this one of them, because I still keep trying for sometghing that I "know" is impossible, and then get upset when i fail! Looking on a person would think I was being a shear idiot, but it is like playing a game, even Lena told me about a time she was in last place on Mariokart and then just as she was about to cross the finish line everyone got hit by a shell and she ended up wining, Plus, there are the Hobbits in LOTR who never had much hope anyway, but it is the history of winning failures that keeps me trying. but, that makes me even more foolish,History isn't a good think to pattern on, like other fictional stories, they have been fashioned with a purpose in mind, not to simply capture what was.

Last night as I was making dinner I had the queerest thought that tried to ruin my moment of relaation, I thought what would my mind do to me if it was like one of those stories like Irobot or whatnot, in trying to help, like the auto type, it might try to fix things, and I thought of the perfect tale, Nick is accusing me of ADOS Attention Defecit, Ooooh! Shiney (Which he stole from meif we really do get to credit ideas) but he never gives any credit only uses his mind to accuse. But, I really do loose track of things, I always have been accused of Splitpersonalities, and Even in the Psychiatric ward I met people who were really schizophrenic and they didn't believe it. So, I thought it was funny that doctors would ask me if I was insane or heard voices or saw things that no one else did. You know, Actually, Jane Eyre did, and so did Catherine Linton, so, It really does make an interesting story. I believe that it was a Law and Order episode, maybe Bones though, where their witness had personality troubles.

It would perfectly blame how I end up in situations that I cannot explain, and almost opposites in things I have been said to have done. I always loved Shirley Jackson's "Bird's Nest." I wonder if it is just my mind's way of protecting me, ayway, I came up with this crazy scenario where I told Brandall all of these things that I haven't even told myself yet. I suppose that would explain how he was so right on the mark, and said that it was too embarassing to tell me, but, maybe I told him to divorce me, regardless. It sounds weird, but would atleast be close enough to reality to make a very good story.

I think that I'll go be a fool in front of the TV for a while. I wish I could go to work, or complain about gas prices. Instead I just get hit, spit on, and bit by little kids who scream for hours at me.

Easter

I think it would be wrong of me not to find a time to write something today. Today was sunny, warm, and sunday. We went to Ogden Joseph got to search for easter eggs and Mary ate a blue ring pop, Nick's sister, KC is so extremely thoughtful. She needs a star named after her or something. I couldn't figure out if she was actually divorced and who ths guy named Don was, Nick didn't know either, he was never really introduced either so we could only guess. He complimented me on Mary being so cute, which won me over. right now, I'm waiting for the older kids to get here, they are about 2 hours late right now, but that's typical, so no big deal. I learned some really cool things in church today, on thing I thought I needed to remember though I cannot recall. But, one thought I had was when or teacher read to us about how when the first colonizers came to America it was inhabited by different types but one was Japanese people. I thought about how we are so easily fooled in the world of movies into believing one thing then, Twist there is a shift and we were completely fooled and have to rewatch it with our new prospective. I thought it isn't too much to believe that things that seem impossible in our perception might shift to instantly be entirely different. For instance, to me that whole DNA thing that riled up so many "Scientists" could be easily explained bu this way, so innocently revealed. We ut the Book of Mormon and were talking about it's varipous parts. It lead some to wonder about the Jaredites, and the book of Ether. There, just like in many accounts usually glazed over as insignificant, were many times that there could not be entire populations, unless there were people already living on the American continent.

I figure that I can be easily tricked like by the film 6th sense, so it seems likely, I cannot understand rationally, or scientifically, everything in the world, so I must learn to accept truth thsat comes another way. Our lesson in RS was about Sustaining our leaders, but they spoke alot about recieving revelation and how people recieve it. I'll say more of that later, I want to touch on another thought while I'm on that subject. Our Sunday School Teacher, Jared Yeats, explained a passeage in a way I would never have thought before. He said read about a thought that Enos had being spoken to his mind, and how so many of us know we have been answered, the voice could not be mistaken for oue own idea but as inspiration because the voice is different. My two thoughts on this developed. I know something is true though no one has ever actually spoken it to me, but it is more like the way the moon effects the tide, the way I am effected by this belief. And also that was scratching at the roots of my testimony of the Book of Mormon, Various testimonie have been brilliant and added to my own, but mine was because I started to question Joseph Smith thinking that he just used Isaiah as filler, but it was more as I studied. it had a voice or tone that was familiar, it would nearly be impossible to remember exactly where he left off or recite entire chapters. But, Another story is when I asked my father for a blessing, and it gave me a stronger testimony of the priesthood because he said almost verbatim what my bishop had said in a blessing to me just a week prior, and it was not regarding anything I spoke of. Likewise, My sister has sort of "left the church" Which upsets my parents, but I know it is just part of her growing. In her Patriarchal Blessing she was told things about her person and life and I asked her if it was really likely that some strange old guy in Mississippi could know thse things about her. She agreed that it must have really been the power of God. And I figure it is just a matter of time that she will extrapolate that if the Preisthood blessings came from God, the priesthood, as found in our organization must be the real thing, and if so, then everything else that goes with it must be true. It is a start, but I must have a talent for believing in things that do not make reasonable sense, because I am not worried about her, or an other thing that cannot be explained, but I cannot understand how, but I trust it will be, I hesitate to say "come what may" because that is sort of an invitation for what may and I do not want to be tested, though I do think that I will prove to remain true to what I hope for but do not know.

My kids are here, Brandall brought a lot of food, too!

Most notably, today Lena admitted to me that she didn't believe in Santa or the Easter bunny, which aren't really necessary anyway, but I took her aside and privately asked her about it. then Brooksie got jealous and wanted to be pulled aside she asked me to speak to her in private, too. :) Gavin then wanted to be singled out next.

Mary was standing "hands free" in her bed and jumped tonight.

I'm thirsty.

April 7th, 2012

Yeterday, it snowed, today has been Nice. Nick went to the store to get stuff at his lunch break while I was taking a bath. it is very boring today, wich is not good for my over active mind. if I seek to control it, I cannot sit here doing nothing. I think i'll watch "Awake" though if joseph cries enough, I'll watch Mighty Machines just to shut him up.

Ok, I wasted enough time on this silly computer. I made a video called " girl meets astronaut" but, it didn't take me very long. oh well. Nothing more to say about today. the year is supposed to end in 2012, we'll see, if so this is pretty pointless.

I needed to add a gripe I had yesterday, that needs to be addressed or else, Nick accusingly asked me where a certain paper came from, like he already concluded and just wanted me to squirm, but he was out of line and wrong, and made me feel nothing but more bitterness towards him and understand why I do. He is always accusing me of things and is almost always completely wrong about things, and it is so important to me to be trusted, butr he clearly does not trust me, so I do not want to build anything on that sort of foundation.

It came back again to his snoring. It is not the act of snoring that irritates me, it is him. I have lovingly listened to others snore thinking it was such a lovely and comforting sound, but others just the thought of them breathing though not heard, upset me alot.

Today, I decided something. I hate sitting at the computer unless I have to, and I don't have to. I decided that come what may, after my parents visit this fall, I'm outta here, if not sooner. Nick is so rude to me he just accused me of making Joseph fat, if anything I'd feel guilty of starving the boy, but it's pointless. It is his lifestyle, all of us ought to have a different life style and if anything is going to change around here, I've got to do it.

I was thinking about why I am always so obviously ill-treated. anyone can see it painly. It is because I just let myself be used and used until breaking point. I've just been cursed to be with people, who seem good, but when asked to live a higher life, they can't do it and ultimately are selfish and I am misused as they fail miserably. The problems in my life come from my giving too much and never expecting anything. Like now, I do not expect Nick odo anything he doesn't want to, but he only wants to play video games on his computer and other little boy things. He is not at all the man I thought he was. I was again so much decieved. How did I let this happen. a voice whipers to me, "it's not too late. Don't just accept things as they are. strive for more and do not accept failed attempt from others, sure they might improve, but your old enough that improvement should've already have been done, if he's a looser, he'll not change". Nick lives in Utah and doesn't have his eagle scout and didn't serve a mission. and I really do think that he is not being honest with himself as to why he was divorced the first time. I'm shot.
gotta do dishes, but I don't feel like it. But, I will because that's who I am. Someone who does what they should.