Day 3 of water fast

Honestly, I felt like I was cheating yesterday because I ate dinner with the family, but it was actually right on track. It is day three of my fast, and I am supposed to feel terrible, but I only have a huge headache, which I might have had anyway. Today will be additionally hard because I will not be allowing myself water as well.

But, my stomach is groaning, so maybe something is happening. The thing I am doing to make my diet more healthy and manageable is allowing myself food between 4 and 6 pm only. This corresponds with dinner, so that I will not appear to fast to my loved ones and that is important to me.

It also insures that although I reap benefits, I do not deny my body things it needs. I already try to rationalize that my body looks fine and this is rediculous; until, I remember that it is to reset my body from the terrible habbits it has aasumed, and I might be able to get back to good, and such thought encourages me and prods me on. Admitedly, I am more tired, and find it more difficult to do physical activities, but I figure that is exactly what I should be doing then.

My daughter just woke up saying that she could not sleep because she was too warm... need to go take care of that.

Jodi Foster paranoia

What is this? It is an expression of my great confusion explained through observation of another. Jodi Foster has expressed a fear that she missed something that is crucial for all those who studied to perform, she is simply a natural and it jusr happened that she stumbles upon a greatness others emulate. She thinks at times, although she is great in her own achievements, that she is committing a terrible faux pas among theatre students of which she is unaware because she has never recieved the formal training "everyone" else did.

I feel a similar paranoia when I am among my "kind". I was actually excited to come to Utah and be among other Latter-day Saints. I am one of them and have the same fruits, but I do not come to my conclusions through the same thoughts. I do not know the ways a utah mother teaches but I just know it is not the same way, yet I do fit in, and yet, I sorta don't. 

I intended to liken this idea that had been in my head since I saw an interview years, and YEARS ago to the Book of Mormon story of Enos. In that Enos has heard the words of his father and they were there just waiting for a moment to rush forward and making themselves known at precisely the right moment.

But, instead I want to use another analogy. My paranoia reminds me of taking an algebra test and getting all of the correct answers, but not showing the work correctly. I barely passed college algebra although it was so very simple, because we were supposed to be learning  tp show our math as evidence.

I am falling asleep and that was the goal, so adieu.

Haunted

This is getting frustrating. Ok, I will skip the story and just say that I am haunted by the idea that I will not expect things. I expect the unexpected because of that so things cannot happen.

In my story, nothing did happen because I thought the situation was unexpected, so it was expected, right?

Addendum:This phone frustates me so much. Sort of like... I get it.

It auto corrects all the time, it makes me think maybe my husband isn't that bad of a typist after all...as this is his old phone.

I found old "girly" photos, that he must not have erased.but, that really doesn't upset me anymore,nor does the blatent lieing to my face. Afterall, it is just his dark past that he is supposedly ashamed of, but loves to recall...  Need to go bake Cookies for Joe, now that I have peanutbutter, etc (He loves peanut butter, oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies).

Sherlock.

Day 3

I have been sticking to a strick regimen and figure if I can do so when ill ir wull be all the easier when I am well.

I want to fall asleep, but the nag never goes away that I ought to communicate something. It is now almist time for a new day. I wonder if my subconcious is trying to tell me something, but my conscious mind will not have it, so I avoid sleep because in dreams things do not have to make sense, the ideas that linger can be tested and discarded as silly dreams, but my dreams started getting less fictional feelung and more like an instant replay of life with things I missed being pointed out. But, though I start to believe that is really how things transpired, I know they did not. Like great realizations that I want to make, but they are not so...unless I pray enough. Oh, that is rediculous. Back to the meat and potatoes of daily life.

I walk 5 miles per day. I do wii fit for 30 mins. I do at least 100 sit ups. That regiment seems simple enough, but why am I do tired? Cause I am fighting an illness, too. On a list of benefits beyond the long term expected ones, my back has stopped hutting!

A bit late

It may well be a tad behind what would be considered a mark of development of mankind, but I have found peace in my no longer being and object of beauty. I only wish that I would have been admired and loved when I was deserving of such, but I am just now understanding why it was said that if you want a sincere and unbiased opinion, one ought to ask a woman past her 40's. I also remark on a comment that is very influential in that it is commonly understood, but in my case later (better late than never). I will not be overly concerned with my decline to the point that it overshadows what could take it's place as being an area where I may truly shine. Ok here was the comment:" How unfortunate it is to have experience such great loss, for at the same time I noticed hair missing, I also lost my waistline."
I always noted how men lamented a wife who was married because of her beauty,  but such beauty had passed shortly after marriage. I always assumed it was the sign of a good marriage, as the purpose of beauty was to attract the opposite sex. I always figured that if I ever truly won someone's heart it would show in my loss of not my looks, but my need to maintain them.
But, as much as I sincerely want to be young and attractive still, I am consigned to let it gracefully go and instead focus on developing what remains. If we are to be resurrected with perfect bodies then I have not truly lost anything. I was more keenly aware of  that when I lost my poise and many abilities. When I am resurrected,  I will be restored to a body for eternity that is of such fineness that exceeds what I ever accomplished in the first place, and from the parable of the talents I learn that to gain more I ought to earn more. This cannot be done by lamenting the passing of beauty that proportionally in eternity will become increasingly more and more insignificant.

Because, I have no where else to put it, but I do not want it in obvious sight, I will say this: I wonder what Mary, queen of Scotland, was lead by if not the hand of God. Because, we are often made aware that Catholicism is not the Church of God. I think. Well, then how would one worship or be in communion with God at such times as there truly was no religion of any entire truth. I do believe there is truth in every religion, and that truth comes from God. So God was in both protestantism and Catholicism, but what made Mary tick? Often, as I feel so deeply for her, I start to think that I can understand her, but such empathy comes from assuming that she truly is motivated by a hand of God, but that cannot be right? Hmmmm. Spain was catholic and Spain is responsible for the colonization of America and I easily admit that Colombus was lead by the hand of God.

Oh, such are the things foremost in my thoughts in the wee hours of the morning when I ought to be sleeping.

My choice

Because I do believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is actually teaching the words of God, it is my choice to gollow what it teaches. It is hard because my husband is not treating me as even an equal, and that leaves a huge gap for other doctrines to fill in and make me feel like that "energy level" is filled, when it is not. I realize it is only a temporary fix, and so many odeas get pork barreled into my nucleas and Although rejecting false items seems counter intuitive and to fix everything sometimes we need to break one rule to ultimately fix what needs fixing, I must choose the best and reject the false as much as I feel like I might break or cannot take it, this is not the "break" that I need. I know that much.

I choose instead to endure what seems like I cannot and wait for the real slim shady to stand up. Yes, I incorporate humor into my most serious moments, sorry. I know it is a fault, but I never proclaimed perfection, just that I do believe it is possible, and am going to try.

It reminds me of my early days teachong Microsoft Official Cirriculum. I always felt under qualified, but would tell my students that despite my inadequacies,  I had achieved something that they hoped to and I was qualified to teach them enough.  Although I was not an expert in their field, and was a very young GIRL, I knew what they needed to know, not everything, but if their goal was to get that certification I had done it and wanted to help them do it.

I idolize my God and I do not know how he did so many things, but I still believe that I can be like him. And maybe like my mortal father, Heavenly Father probably isn't a perfected being yet, either (How boring to exist without room for growth) but He has achieved being a thing I consider perfect. And foremost, He is a parent.

maybe, no, no maybe about it

my phone was taken away yesterday, and by information I know is reliable. Although, I am as always prone to believe what makes logical sense first, regardless, I am not even going to look for it. I do not need it at all. I only used it because it was the supplied and easiest method to accomplish things that I needed to do for my kids, but yesterday, a thing pointed out as important was being resourceful, and this is a great practice for me to diversify and realize that I am not imagining. I will most certainly be provided a way to accomplish all things I must regardless of how such attempts may be thwarted. Life is so much better when not relying on such a dilapidated crutch. It is alot like thinking that I needed a vehicle when clearly I do not. My phone was in such a badcondition anyway. The stress it caused was not worth the benefit.

Never done this before

I really do not know what this is going to do, but we will see. I loved this because it says "wants" instead of needs and I felt terrible for wanting more than I need in some instances. It seemed to go against the thing I had been taught about being self reliant.

Looks like it didn't work.

Here this is what I was reading tonight:

Early in the meeting, he told the sisters that they were to encourage “the brethren to good works in looking to the wants of the poor—searching after objects of charity, and in administering to their wants—to assist by correcting the morals and strengthening the virtues of the female community.”

This makes me think such behavior must be part of what God desires for his children.

Whoah, I was sooo mistaken

First off I want to mention, cause it is easily forgotten, but now that I know I want to research a bit more, and maybe this will nudge me in that direction. I was reading chapter books to my children which end in a way that make you want to keep reading. The hope is that they will not wait for me, but read it for themselves. I have been reading from the "Horrible Harry" series. The thing that stuvk out to them was the rhyme about beans being a magical fruit. The questions seemed to never end. The thing that floored me was the allusion to Bartholomew Cubbins I had just figured this was a name that Jared Leto, from 30 Seconds to Mars came up with (see credits to alot of his videos) did this person already exist and was being related to? Hmmmm. Guess I have the questions now.

The next thing happened yesterday during the day. Mary, out of the blue asked her dad why he didn't share his money with mommy, it was rude. I quickly talked her out of such a stance explaining that she only wanted something and knew that I would give it to her whereas he would not. So that got her focused on Needing vs. Wanting, but I sure wish her dad had answered it. Sge has a particularly keen mind and simply put it together that if she was expected to share then so was dad., but he does not do many things he requires of others and I guess it is my fault for trying to teach by example, it does not work in his case. :(

Orginzational skills?

I figured it out today when I was looking at others houses on snapchat photos. I am a better than average organizer for what I have, mostly what I have a better ideas that we cannot afford like toy boxes, shelves and dressers so we use hangers or hanging toy catchers but Nick has used all of the closet space in each room so, I use the shower in my bathroom which has no other use because the plumbing hasn't worked for over 6 years. But, that was not what I figured out. I figured out that every one who accuses another or any sort of lack is comparing. An institute teacher commented that if an elementary school teach taught you differently how to make you letters it might seem like you have illegible handwritting to another. I saw it when my youngest daughter brought home reading homework wriiten in a cursive font that I could hardly make out with the clues from the plot. And I asked her if they made their letters differentlu. "Oh yeah, that is thst scribble writting like you do. So, I figured you could read it."

So, today I solved the supposed issue of not having good organizational skills. Likwise, my husband claimed that I had a terrible memory, when it has been thoroughly tested by my neurology team and personal pychologist who told me that my memory was almost impossible. Infact, I still rember three words he asked me to remember, pink, kentucky, and piano. I also remember that he never asked me to repeat them after the test. That was over 10 years ago. But, maybe this is still part of the test. Psychologists do strange things. :)

Dinner fail

This just happened, so no time to pause and filter my response to make it more acceptable.

I really want to just leave and take my chances to whether I live or die, I owe absolutely nothing to Nick anyhow, although I did promise to be his legal wife, and my resposibility towards the children is such a strong tie that I cannot do anything that would effect them negatively,  like admiting to them that I hate their father. Alright, why I am more upset right now:

We were asked where we wanted to go to eat, so I explained where the kids wanted to go and why, and he said it was fine.  So, I scoured the web for coupons, then took a nap. Nick messaged me that he was going to cancel the excursion because of snow. So, I just informed him that it was sunny here and had been all day. But, I got out the food I had prepared, but then he said, "nevermind we will go." So, I did not know what we were doing. I told the kids such. Then, he got home much earlier than he normally does with no explination, so, I just got the kids dressed and ready. Mary was so excited cause she is what my mom used to call a "go girl". We drove to the parking lot of Chuck E. Cheese and it looked very busy so he said that we could not go. Then, he asked where we wanted to go after I had already said a sensible option of hetting a pizza and eating at home while playing a game. Nick did not want to do this. Mary was bawling her eyes out. The first few choices were instantly rejected, so I figured that he already had made up his mind where he wanted to go, but I learned from studying Alma that regardless how a person seems to have decided they must be allowed to actually choose such to deserve their following consequence (story of Alma and Amulek regarding their not saving the Christians who were to be put to death by fire). He had actually asked is where we wanted to go, so we needed to decide. The kids decided exactly what they wanted to do (go to McDonald's Play Place to eat) although they did not reject my idea either of getting a pizza and going home. Joseph did start saying that he was sooooo hungry and just wanted any resturaunt really, meaning a sit down meal. But, Nick had already decided where he wanted to go. So, he went there and Mary cried even more and Nick only got food for himself, and this made Joseph start to complain now, too. So, he then went to a Wendy's drive thru,  and got something for the kids who started devouring immediately, but I think that he took their drink, too cause I had to get drinks for them once they got home. So, now we are back home, where we were to begin with only now, any hope we had for the potential of a fun excursion was gone, so we are sort of worse off than we were and I am left with disconsolate children, and absolutely no faith in my husband anymore. So, I can start planning how to leave him but keep the kids, they deserve a better example and want to be sealed as a family, and for that reason I keep hoping things will work out. I must believe in God or else I would not feel any debt towards this family, but I do because I promised to guide the children to the sort of life they were intended to live and understand.

Dead flowers

Well, I guess they served a purpose. I had been warned, and it is a strange thing, but Nick told me not to ever assume something was,mine unless he said so. Well, there were flowers on the table that showed up on valentine's day, but nothing was ever said to me ever, so I assumed they were not for me, which is fine cause the sybolism of the color meant strained friendship anyhow. So, I let them be until finally they had been dead for three days and still nothing had been said so I assumed they must have been intended for me so I took care of disposing them, and they became another symbol to me that my husband knows his duty, but he only fills it as much as is required, and apparently he is not required to do anything to keep or maintain things around here. Afterall, he works and drives a car, something helping to define him as disposable. Infact, I could and probably should start earning my own money and get my own home, and let him take care of this stuff, cause I frankly find it offensive the sort of squallor we live in. It amused me to see that he seemed to be genuinely suprised at the life we lead which is not at all the sort of life he leads. But, still he continues to spend money left and right on himself while making certain we are living thriftily, and claims that we cannot afford things like flour and eggs, so others supply them out of kindness of their hearts, also others compassionately offer rides to the children because he refuses to allow me to drive his car or get one that is suitable for the family, because we can just walk or beg for rides. So, no need for him to care. What immediately comes to mind is how much excruciating pain I was in, but my husband just ignored it and told me that I could not afford to do anything without insurance. I wondered if thing would be different if he was in pain or one of the kids was. Well, I believe that one day God will judge him for his behavior, so I just deal with it, and do what I am able (like pray and ask for priesthood blessings, cause my husband cannot give them and probably wouldn't if I asked anyway).

So, what happened? My prayers were heard and answered!! It was the biggest miracle of my life, and I write about it unless I forget how significant it was. Heavenly Father had compassion on me and provided a means for me to find relief and a beautiful smile, and for it I am grateful in the biggest way imagineable.
So much gratitude ought to be reserved for a husband although the source would likely be the same. Because of my unique situation I was even told by the one who helped orchestrate it, that it was very important that I realize that it was God who gave the gift, not the giver of the gift, and getting them confused was easy to do. Because of that situation, I was able to learn undeniably that Heavenly Father is mindful and loves me and will provide as he always has for those who recognize and ask. So, I knew that if I needed anything I would have it, if I asked. That helps me recognize the difference between wanting and needing. Now, back to the flowers, they are dead, and disposed of although I was reluctant to do so. As soon as I realized that they were mine, I took care of them, as I always would have if I had been aware.

Not funny anymore

I have let this go on too long. I rationalized that it was scientific I was trying to prove that I would naturally look a certain way no matter what I do because I worked extra hard at being healthy and active for most of my life, and I did not see a major change besides what my mother assured me was normal aging. But today is the day, and it fit in perfectly with a thing I would never have done if I was materialistic. I felt/feel hideous, something must be done. I had honestly felt so good about myself, like I had reached the point where I was beautiful and I liked me, if others didn't it was their loss, but, today I do not like myself and I want to like me again.

Seriously, let me explain. I feel like every person in the world looks sooo much more beautiful than me. I am warped in how I see myself. I bet I am not as unusual as I believe myself to be.  Really humans are all beautiful, I wish I could just look like one of them, but no amount of makeup or self doctoring could make me look acceptable.

It is funny. I thought I was soo fat and ugly then, I lost alot of weight and missed being fat, and thought, well, maybe I gained weight in the first place just so I would feel better after loosing weight, which I did, but honestly, I thought I was waay too fat when I was that weight before. So, I think it has been a gradual acceptance of gross, just cause it was an improvement from what it was. But, that has got to stop. I am going to start working out regularly, maybe it will not be too much cause last time I was soooo sore for days that I vowed that I would never do that again. But, small enough not to get hurt but do it regularly meaning daily will get me in better shape again!

End of Jan 2017

First of all... brrrr.

I thought a thing last night. Golly, my posterity must be super d duper significant because the thought was that I had been given a great blessing to be able to communicate my thoughts and feelings far longer than I ever lived. And if I am not present, I still am through my words.

Growing up, I knew that I was being nurtured for some great purpose, and I got a bit ego centric, hah! Funny how ego has the same letters as geo, and that was what I was thinking to use as a paradigm. I honestly believed thst every time our family moved it was for my benefit so that, like Abraham and Sarah, I could sort of nomadically have the greatest teachers in this world... don't  tell the teachers that though, it might backfire.

Now, I see that I was preserved and prepared in such ways, but it is not all about me or I (dad used to challenge me to try talking without the word I. That's likely a reason why royalty uses the pronoun "we"). I was so frustated that I could never do what I wanted with my talents, but when I would not stop trying, I got a freak illness of the central nervous system that did not kill me, but limited my abilities so that I might focus them on my posterity.
I felt bad spending so much time looking up things on my ancestors, then I realized they are yours, too, and likely why I am so blessed in doing it. I should.

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Right now, I am feeling very strange, maybe I will have to write a song. I have an overwhelming feeling inside of me that I need to let out. I wonder if this is what causes violence. I need to express something, but I do not know how. I usually cut my hair or something drastic as a way to change things that visibly demonstrate my power over things. I noticed this morning, too a strange thing. Mary was playing with my little snapchat features, and I noticed that "good" angels have wings and "bad" ones don't. Ofcourse! I thought, it symbolizes freedom, much like Eagles do for Americans. There is a scripture thay comes to mind:

"O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart"

(From Alma 29)

It is pretty neat that we do not have to memorize verbatim every scripture to benefit from it, and I can easily find it whenever I want. This leaves my brain free to persue other things. I bet I would be seen as a God to past civilizations with all my technical marvels. It is not hard at all to see how God is able to do so many of the things that he does, and that is a clear indication that mortality is working. We are becoming more like him through living!

Now, I am going to go write a bit of flowery text somewhere...