Jodi Foster paranoia

What is this? It is an expression of my great confusion explained through observation of another. Jodi Foster has expressed a fear that she missed something that is crucial for all those who studied to perform, she is simply a natural and it jusr happened that she stumbles upon a greatness others emulate. She thinks at times, although she is great in her own achievements, that she is committing a terrible faux pas among theatre students of which she is unaware because she has never recieved the formal training "everyone" else did.

I feel a similar paranoia when I am among my "kind". I was actually excited to come to Utah and be among other Latter-day Saints. I am one of them and have the same fruits, but I do not come to my conclusions through the same thoughts. I do not know the ways a utah mother teaches but I just know it is not the same way, yet I do fit in, and yet, I sorta don't. 

I intended to liken this idea that had been in my head since I saw an interview years, and YEARS ago to the Book of Mormon story of Enos. In that Enos has heard the words of his father and they were there just waiting for a moment to rush forward and making themselves known at precisely the right moment.

But, instead I want to use another analogy. My paranoia reminds me of taking an algebra test and getting all of the correct answers, but not showing the work correctly. I barely passed college algebra although it was so very simple, because we were supposed to be learning  tp show our math as evidence.

I am falling asleep and that was the goal, so adieu.

Haunted

This is getting frustrating. Ok, I will skip the story and just say that I am haunted by the idea that I will not expect things. I expect the unexpected because of that so things cannot happen.

In my story, nothing did happen because I thought the situation was unexpected, so it was expected, right?

Addendum:This phone frustates me so much. Sort of like... I get it.

It auto corrects all the time, it makes me think maybe my husband isn't that bad of a typist after all...as this is his old phone.

I found old "girly" photos, that he must not have erased.but, that really doesn't upset me anymore,nor does the blatent lieing to my face. Afterall, it is just his dark past that he is supposedly ashamed of, but loves to recall...  Need to go bake Cookies for Joe, now that I have peanutbutter, etc (He loves peanut butter, oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies).

Sherlock.

Day 3

I have been sticking to a strick regimen and figure if I can do so when ill ir wull be all the easier when I am well.

I want to fall asleep, but the nag never goes away that I ought to communicate something. It is now almist time for a new day. I wonder if my subconcious is trying to tell me something, but my conscious mind will not have it, so I avoid sleep because in dreams things do not have to make sense, the ideas that linger can be tested and discarded as silly dreams, but my dreams started getting less fictional feelung and more like an instant replay of life with things I missed being pointed out. But, though I start to believe that is really how things transpired, I know they did not. Like great realizations that I want to make, but they are not so...unless I pray enough. Oh, that is rediculous. Back to the meat and potatoes of daily life.

I walk 5 miles per day. I do wii fit for 30 mins. I do at least 100 sit ups. That regiment seems simple enough, but why am I do tired? Cause I am fighting an illness, too. On a list of benefits beyond the long term expected ones, my back has stopped hutting!

A bit late

It may well be a tad behind what would be considered a mark of development of mankind, but I have found peace in my no longer being and object of beauty. I only wish that I would have been admired and loved when I was deserving of such, but I am just now understanding why it was said that if you want a sincere and unbiased opinion, one ought to ask a woman past her 40's. I also remark on a comment that is very influential in that it is commonly understood, but in my case later (better late than never). I will not be overly concerned with my decline to the point that it overshadows what could take it's place as being an area where I may truly shine. Ok here was the comment:" How unfortunate it is to have experience such great loss, for at the same time I noticed hair missing, I also lost my waistline."
I always noted how men lamented a wife who was married because of her beauty,  but such beauty had passed shortly after marriage. I always assumed it was the sign of a good marriage, as the purpose of beauty was to attract the opposite sex. I always figured that if I ever truly won someone's heart it would show in my loss of not my looks, but my need to maintain them.
But, as much as I sincerely want to be young and attractive still, I am consigned to let it gracefully go and instead focus on developing what remains. If we are to be resurrected with perfect bodies then I have not truly lost anything. I was more keenly aware of  that when I lost my poise and many abilities. When I am resurrected,  I will be restored to a body for eternity that is of such fineness that exceeds what I ever accomplished in the first place, and from the parable of the talents I learn that to gain more I ought to earn more. This cannot be done by lamenting the passing of beauty that proportionally in eternity will become increasingly more and more insignificant.

Because, I have no where else to put it, but I do not want it in obvious sight, I will say this: I wonder what Mary, queen of Scotland, was lead by if not the hand of God. Because, we are often made aware that Catholicism is not the Church of God. I think. Well, then how would one worship or be in communion with God at such times as there truly was no religion of any entire truth. I do believe there is truth in every religion, and that truth comes from God. So God was in both protestantism and Catholicism, but what made Mary tick? Often, as I feel so deeply for her, I start to think that I can understand her, but such empathy comes from assuming that she truly is motivated by a hand of God, but that cannot be right? Hmmmm. Spain was catholic and Spain is responsible for the colonization of America and I easily admit that Colombus was lead by the hand of God.

Oh, such are the things foremost in my thoughts in the wee hours of the morning when I ought to be sleeping.

My choice

Because I do believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is actually teaching the words of God, it is my choice to gollow what it teaches. It is hard because my husband is not treating me as even an equal, and that leaves a huge gap for other doctrines to fill in and make me feel like that "energy level" is filled, when it is not. I realize it is only a temporary fix, and so many odeas get pork barreled into my nucleas and Although rejecting false items seems counter intuitive and to fix everything sometimes we need to break one rule to ultimately fix what needs fixing, I must choose the best and reject the false as much as I feel like I might break or cannot take it, this is not the "break" that I need. I know that much.

I choose instead to endure what seems like I cannot and wait for the real slim shady to stand up. Yes, I incorporate humor into my most serious moments, sorry. I know it is a fault, but I never proclaimed perfection, just that I do believe it is possible, and am going to try.

It reminds me of my early days teachong Microsoft Official Cirriculum. I always felt under qualified, but would tell my students that despite my inadequacies,  I had achieved something that they hoped to and I was qualified to teach them enough.  Although I was not an expert in their field, and was a very young GIRL, I knew what they needed to know, not everything, but if their goal was to get that certification I had done it and wanted to help them do it.

I idolize my God and I do not know how he did so many things, but I still believe that I can be like him. And maybe like my mortal father, Heavenly Father probably isn't a perfected being yet, either (How boring to exist without room for growth) but He has achieved being a thing I consider perfect. And foremost, He is a parent.

maybe, no, no maybe about it

my phone was taken away yesterday, and by information I know is reliable. Although, I am as always prone to believe what makes logical sense first, regardless, I am not even going to look for it. I do not need it at all. I only used it because it was the supplied and easiest method to accomplish things that I needed to do for my kids, but yesterday, a thing pointed out as important was being resourceful, and this is a great practice for me to diversify and realize that I am not imagining. I will most certainly be provided a way to accomplish all things I must regardless of how such attempts may be thwarted. Life is so much better when not relying on such a dilapidated crutch. It is alot like thinking that I needed a vehicle when clearly I do not. My phone was in such a badcondition anyway. The stress it caused was not worth the benefit.

Never done this before

I really do not know what this is going to do, but we will see. I loved this because it says "wants" instead of needs and I felt terrible for wanting more than I need in some instances. It seemed to go against the thing I had been taught about being self reliant.

Looks like it didn't work.

Here this is what I was reading tonight:

Early in the meeting, he told the sisters that they were to encourage “the brethren to good works in looking to the wants of the poor—searching after objects of charity, and in administering to their wants—to assist by correcting the morals and strengthening the virtues of the female community.”

This makes me think such behavior must be part of what God desires for his children.

Whoah, I was sooo mistaken

First off I want to mention, cause it is easily forgotten, but now that I know I want to research a bit more, and maybe this will nudge me in that direction. I was reading chapter books to my children which end in a way that make you want to keep reading. The hope is that they will not wait for me, but read it for themselves. I have been reading from the "Horrible Harry" series. The thing that stuvk out to them was the rhyme about beans being a magical fruit. The questions seemed to never end. The thing that floored me was the allusion to Bartholomew Cubbins I had just figured this was a name that Jared Leto, from 30 Seconds to Mars came up with (see credits to alot of his videos) did this person already exist and was being related to? Hmmmm. Guess I have the questions now.

The next thing happened yesterday during the day. Mary, out of the blue asked her dad why he didn't share his money with mommy, it was rude. I quickly talked her out of such a stance explaining that she only wanted something and knew that I would give it to her whereas he would not. So that got her focused on Needing vs. Wanting, but I sure wish her dad had answered it. Sge has a particularly keen mind and simply put it together that if she was expected to share then so was dad., but he does not do many things he requires of others and I guess it is my fault for trying to teach by example, it does not work in his case. :(