Happy Anniversary to me

Uh,not too happy. But why should it be? On February 23rd, 2001 I was sealed in the The Temple to one I intended to love forever, It seems that to so many this is not a big deal, but to me it was, and what happenedwas completely out of ny cobtrol, but I was being protected.
The most important thing to find in mortal life is love and though I loved Brandall entirely, and obviously I still kinda do, but I can see how it was necessary for him to divorce me. It is this simmple: If you can live without it, you should. And life was better for hin to get rid of me because I was just holding him back.

This is important for me to understand because I stuck with Nick because he claims undying devotion. I donot want to have to teach hin this lesson,mostly out offear that it will not be comprehended anyway. He values the things he knows to much to acknowlege that they may be wrong. He claims that he is trying to change, but that it is slow and difficuly. Love is the power to overcome. If he really lobed me he would bot haveever risked loosing me, but he only worries about himself, or how he will be percieved. Mostly about himself, like everyone else. loving yourself is not a sin, not loving others more is. He appears valiant but it is like the man who obeys all the laws because they fear punishment.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtJuVwstyE0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKW0uelA6Dw

Today, I want to throw away every nonessential thing. And it is very snowy and coldm and I am in my pajamas. I am going to take a break.

Lastly, I thought this, but did not have anywhere to say it:

I am increasing in my resolve and dissatisfaction and have not reached a boiling point yet. And thefact that I am even close says something. This is my recurring thought, He has been playing the "My past is so dark" card for far too long. No doubt it will come up again, he has been integrating it since highschool. The other thing that gets to ne is the whole Pity me. My Mom died. That is terrible, but, we all loose someone and must decide if we will wallow in pity or use it to overcome because we want to be with them again.

I kept trying to think of where I would like to say thism without saying it,nbut I wanted to record it so that I could remember feeling that way if I for whatever reason in thefuture started doubting my choice.

What the date?

I do not ever know what the date is. Which used to frustrate me in the hospital when little analyzing teams of neurologists would ask me what the date was. It wasn't until I couldn't even tell the year was ascertained that it was certain there was a cognitive problem.

Dates are pretty helpful, I am not suggesting we disband them. I guess one reason I don't keep track is that,my phone/computer/calendar already does it for me. I am highly dependant on them. I wonder if mankind used to have to make mental notes of what time it was. Without clocks, I wonder,I'd my schedule would work as smoothly.

It is the 15th and I have a terrible headache, but I am so excited because today I get to,be in the physical prescience of all of my children!!!

Another thing, they say a rose by any other name would smell so sweet, and I put forward the idea that with or without calendars my daughter would grow up, and grow up she has. She is a beautiful woman who I hope always associates with me. There was no mistake in naming her Sarah Lena. She truly is a princess and may she always command according respect.

I have a terrible misgivings about them going. Because of one particular memory: the kids were involved in a car accident and cried calling me on the phone. I needed to be with them! And Brooksie was crying and asking, "Where is mommy?"

There are so many Such memories, like Lena refusing to close her eyes unless I held her hand because I,might disappear. Or telling everyone to leave a spot empty next to her at the school lunch table incase,mom comes. They are older now, the years have passed, but I know that I was purposely given those children, and I need to do all I can to remain in that part of their lives though it seems fate is trying to shove me aside as unimportant.

A mother does more than provide life.

Oooof!

The kids broke the dresser and completely destroyed Mary's room. She has taken all of her clothes off again, and I am getting more,and more sick, but all in all life is good. By pulling the,bed apart, I will,be forced to put it together more securely, and maybe I'll nail the dresser to the wall, or at least think of a way to keep them from taking out the drawers.

Yesterday, I folded and sorted all of Mary's clothes. So, it is a bit upsetting to see them strewn all over her room, but it reminds me that I really ought to streamline everything and find a better home for those boxes from years ago, or I risk becoming like my grandmother.

This gives me a better purpose and shows me exactly where I am needed. I do have 6 more hours to dedicate to "homemaking". Plus, when Mary Anne sees me cleaning up she will see it as a pattern to follow. She already knows that I hate messes and calls them bad.

I think the biggest cause of mess is clutter, the solution is not better storage, but fewer things.

I plan to start in her room and just make,everyroom nicer and neater and make a large number of trips to the dumpster.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Night before

I suppose that would make it valentine's eve. Ha ha so stinking what!

It is not for the winning we fight.
Then, what's the point?

So, I just,wanted to share a memory before I loose it.

I was taking out the trash and I noticed the moon was hidden, no big deal, the sun was all day, likely the same thing is blocking it's light

My memory was of the night I went for a walk, and made a mental note to remember it. I wrote a song about the moon and how it was secondary to the sun but most important body of the night. As long as the moon still exsists I will remember the feelings and that night. I was so young and hopeful. I ought to be only more so now, but I am almost always depressed and feel completely worthless and unable. But, admittedly, depression creates more thoughts.

Right now...

Well, I paused what I was doing, this is kinda like a save point before the big boss. Ironically, the save point usually becomes important because of agency. We wonder if our choice was correct, so either fear that it will be incorrect or curiosity of if we chose otherwise, we want to have a fall back point, makes,me think of a line from Matchbox 20 "...get back to good."

I am at good right now, but sincerely want to know why agency and I am about to find out.

Mortality

I don't remember what I said, but I obviously taught improperly when I tried to explain why we fasted. Gavin looked up at me and very seriously said, "Well, then I don't need to ever fast because I want to die."

Most fascinating boy

Gavin never ceases to amaze me. Today he asked me how God tells us stuff when we ask. I explained various,methods of revelation.
The initial conversation was about how he would know or better how I knew that he needed to serve a mission, and if the girls had to go, too. Then as serious as can be he told me, "But, I never hear any voice, not even God's. Am I bad?"