November 2016

Once again, suprise, I am upset. My husband took us to Logan, UT for a trip after we cleaned the chapel. I told him that I needed barettes, and he said, "can't you get them in Logan?" Sure. I already went most of the day with messy hair so Mary Anne could wear our only hair clip. We went to the bank, to get his hair cut, while I watched the kids, then to Gossners. Then he announced that he was hungry and went to a drive thru, I wondered why he never asked what I wanted. He ordered meals for himself and the kids and nothing for me. He then asked me what MY problem was. I told him that I just assumed that the whole family was eating (Fast Sunday was the next day, so I needed to eat, normally I might not have cared). He said, I should just get out and walk home. I wanted to, but did not telling him that it was too far and I did not want to walk in the dark. So, I would just watch everyone else eat in the car, and I did.

I woke up terribly sick this morning, but got everyone together and out the door anyway. Joseph stayed  with me cause he was sivk, too. After dinner, I asked if we could go to a fireside in Ogden that night. He said no. The kids asked if they could go with me, too. Nick had also gotten angry because I signed up to bring a food to the veteran's dinner/party. Joseph was excited to go. I only signed up because he really wanted to go.  He said that he would not be going. I told him that actually we all were. Now, Joseph was concerned, he asked if he and I was restricted (which means punished). He promised to never ever sign up for anything again. So, here I am very sick lying on the couch, only wanting to be at the musical fireside in Ogden on families tonight. Also, I am going to start writing music again because of the way faith was described in our Relief Society lesson as only taking root because we try. I want to, above all things, be a composer. Always have always will... oh yeah, the water heater isn't working again, and I never did get any barrettes being told we did not have money to spend on such extravagant things.

Not day to day

This isvacquestion about my life in Utah.

When I went to the hospital or doctor's office, they always asked if this was my first child and acted suprised when I told them how many I already had.

But, when I talk to the other mothers of children who are the ages of my kids, it is obvious to me that they are quite a bit younger than me. I figured it was common in Utah to start a family at a young age. Whereas, I had Joseph at 35. But, even my oldest child is much younger than other people my age who have married children and some are grandparents even.
It is just odd.

Why?

When I was a teenager, I decided that the secret to great  parenting was being able to answer every why. So, I studied hard and looked at everything from any possible angle and was not satisfied until I could explain a thing in more than one way.
I was so satisfied with my results as a mother that I even told my daughter that if I did not satisfactorily explain why then I would be grounded.

But, then, along comes Mary... I only thought to say something because she frustrates me so much. She just asked why for no reason, not even abput anything, but just to make the sound in her mouth I think.

Ear phones

Today I am making earphones out of ear buds. Wish me luck. I just do not like things placed in kids ears, althouh privacy of sound is good.

Late July 2016

I dyed my hair red again last night. Well, not really. I partially stripped the color or my roots to gradually fade into the darker winter/fall color., and I began my children piano/music.

Also, yesterday, I thought of a great way to make money. I plan to make a store of hand made items that will sell, and in turn allow me to stay at home and keep working on more things, etc. Just anodea, but, it began yesterday.

Unexpected

I generally do not seriously ask for advice because when I do I either know what to expect or have already decided regardless of what is said. I am more or less allowing others to feel like they helped or were confided in. So, this particular advice took me by suprise. I neither asked it nor was it what I expected.

It has always been somewhere in the back of my mind that I ought to be humble enough to ask the advice of those who genuinely love me, but for all practical purposes had decided to rely then on prayer, because only God knows the whole story, from both sides, how it really is, etc.

Mind you, I am the sort that takes advice from unlikely sources or sees similar patterns to duplicate in my environment and extrapolate them to learn more about something unrelated, but similar.

So, I was given advice about another matter altogether. The advice reminds me to be aware of things that truly are and not allow myself to be distracted by things that seem to matter. The advice was that rather than move to be closer to those I love, if I loved my family I would not move at all because the children need their other grandparents and if my husband is truly happy in his job he has found a thing that is exceptionally rare and not likely to be duplicated elsewhere regardless of the monetary gain.

I took this to apply in my current situation to mean to be mindful of how I benefit eternally, not just immediately. Priorities change, but consequences are not likely to be avoided if I change my mind.

There are those who would give up the greatest thing they can imagine, even their lives, to have such a family, and it seems a bargining chip for me to get a temporary peace of mind, when the wracking of mind might actually be the cost.

And that is why more things are possible when we speak, honestly with others. Every idea shared becomed fodder to build our versions of reality, and though it is unlikely that anyone will truly understand your life they may supply the direction that is unique and previously unimagined.

Sure, it is still in my mind and I am the one applying a viewpoint, no one else really is or is wven qualified to, but it is alot like doing family history work. Others may not be correct entirely, but at least the provide a starting point and everything that is needs an origin be they right or wrong.

What if...

I just realized this, on top of anything I thought mattered to me, I even regretted preferences that made me seem so petty like opinions of others, or money, still none of them matter more than the opinion of myself.

No teeth

Last night (June 29, 2015)I had so much fun making funny faces at Lena just to see a genuine suprise. She was clearly disturbed that I could appear instantly so ugly and different. Admittedly, it was funny. She started it, by making faces at me and the two younger kids, so I felt compelled to out do her. I simply removed my teeth and smiled. I do not recall her instant comment, but it was something to the effect of "wow, I knew you could be strange looking, but that is frightening."

Today

I am going to the temple today, with John and Brandy. I realized something I wanted to document.

Oh, just thought of another first. I used to wonder so much about how Nephi is constantly apologizing for mistakes. I understand it, with the huge number of editorial mistakes I make, but, I have tried so hard to figure out what he was referring to and it just struck me! The Book of Mormon was translated not by a scholar, but by God, so when I read English words they are the ones given Joseph Smith post edit from their crude form that was etched in an ore. No wonder I do not see any mistakes.

Ok, now my real reason for writing. It has been bothering me, and I say that much less dramatic than it was felt to me. Ok, I was thinking about how ideal my life and choices seemed and how I wish I could go back to that. I was certain of things that I want to be certain of. Another friend mentioned superstition, and I sort of was to trust the things I did. But, wasn't I happy. Yes, so I say Ignorance is bliss, and I am quoting someone wiser who said it first. Well, actually, the only reason I am not as happy (if happy is the goal) is because I stopped believing the things I did, but I could believe them still and I would be happy in my misery, because everything actually makes sense when I apply my superstitions to what happened and does happen and I for some reason believe they would happen as I hope, although, it is supposed to make you happier to accept whatever they call truth opposed to delusion or superstition. But, I have not figured out what anyone can actually know yet.

I find the same thing across the board, if I find a starting point it is easy to build on truth and truth begets truth but, for that reason. I have found that believing truth builds a working structure, and it makes me happy. It makes me think lastly of a thing, I heard someone say, that it is as reasonable to believe or doubt, but I choose to believe.

But, maybe is it comparing a sprint to a distance run, the tortise doesn't have a chance in the sprint but in the long run, the short term looser might win.

Boring day

Nothing happened 0f particular interest. I spent nearly every free moment working on crochet things... I read one very cute blurb about it that said crochet is not a hobby, but a post apocalyptic skill.

Scottish stuff

I have never been so obsessed about anything as much as I am, without a definate reason,about my Scottish ancestors.