August is hot

Today was another hot day. I saw a guy walking as we were going to get Nick's hair trimmed, and thought, I feel so bad for him. I bet he is not walking for pleasure, but because he must be somewhere. He looked overweight and very uncomfortable in the heat. I thought about the time I tried to go running after Lena was born. I decided that people who would benefit from walking do not because it is so uncomfortable for them. The times I liked to run was when I was already in shape. The difference is quite noticeable. It reminds me of how they say that it is easier to get a job when you already have one. Or how I had to be so uncomfortable to do simple things, but then Once I could do them I rested and never pushed myself out of my "comfort zone" to accomplish more. It is like using a wheelchair or walker. When I needed them I wanted them they made life easier, but if I had learned to depend on them my apathy would have increased to the point where I had no option anymore "Use it or loose it."

So, this morning, I made a hashbrown casserole using the frozen beef patty and an onion from the ward garden. It smells good.

I got the kids up and bathed and dressed then our adventure for today was a car wash, Mary started crying, but Joseph loved it. Then we went to get Nick's monthly haircut, and I packed thing to go to Jensen wild life park, but Nick said that it was too hot so we decided to go home and let Mary go to bed. The kids were so well behaved in the barber shop because they just sat and ate frosties. "time flies when your having fun."

We just got home from finishing the day with a trip to play at the park and feed the ducks, then we came home and cooled off the family all had ice cream sandwiches and sat on the stairs "cooling off".

Now, I will relax and watch episodes from season 5 of Stargate Atlantis.

A memory (before it fades even more)

Tonight, as I lay here on the couch contemplating my eternal life, I had this odd memory that would be fun to remember, though I do not know how it is stored. I do not remember actual sights, but ideas. I was visiting LeAnne shortly after Brandall and I had gotten married. I was pregnant and buying maternity clothes at thrift stores and then flying back to Nashville which would be cheaper than buying new clothes for a short use.

While I was there we visited the temple. I wore an outfit sister Pincock in Gallatin had given me. It was a very cute red top and skirt (maternity). We went for the purpose of getting maternity garments. But, we did a session. I remember LeAnne telling me a story about someone loosing a slipper in the escalator. After wards we were walking outside and I saw a large group of kids playing on the grounds, it made me happy, silly thing to remember, nonetheless, I still remember it. And It makes me want to take my small children to play on the temple grounds and maybe make some other person as happy. It is stupid littlethings like that which I remember and think about.

Today remembered

Not much happened today. I printed out a quote in Mongolian for a lady, but I do not think it accurately said,what I meant. I do not even know any Mongolian characters so I had to trust the translation entirely. I quoted a text that said, "The,greatest influence anyone can have in this life is the influence of young children." Be aide this lady had three small sick children and I can only imagine that she must be at,her wits end. We all went to the store to buy things to put in a basket for her and her children and the kids and I delivered it. She was moving this weekend.

I decided that I wanted to do something for the bishop for father's day from the second verse of the song "Fathers" from the Children's Songbook. I was thinking a jar of candies where each one represented a good deed the kids remembered.

Then Nick bought and installed new blinds, he took Joseph to the store, while Mary took a nap.

We decided that we would visit the Crandalls again. Joe asked me when he could go see the candles again. :)

We watched "Wreck it Ralph" tonight. I made pumpkin chocolate chip pudding.cookies, the kids liked them. Nick never said, though his only comment was negative, hmm...

Memorial Day

     It was a perfectly normal day for the most part. Joseph was a terrible Three and as we visited a train Museum in Ogden, at union station, he had a misfortunate event that lead to a bloody nose, poor fella, but really it was a natural consequence that I could not have orchestrated better to teach him.

I over heard another mother screaming at her small children for not obeying and running off. Strangely, it gave me comfort to know that the terrible behavior of my son was common enough that a random family was having similar issues, too.

Now, I should have tried to help in some way since I knew empathetically exactly how she felt, but I did not want to appear to even notice or undermine her authority. So, I just smiled to,myself and decided to appreciate the times that he was obedient a bit more as they happened, maybe helping him to be aware of how Happy his "being a good boy" makes me. Right now, his solution for any offensive is to say, "I love you." Give me a hug and say, "There, see? I make you happy. Do not be mad."

The real reason I am prompted to write about today though is to tell about the effect that one little girl had on me.

She was standing by herself and seemed to want to chat, so I started talking to her, she was just in Ogden, short term, and told me that she lived in Washington state. She told me that she thought Mary Anne was so pretty and really, I could,have thought, "oh, how nice."and left it at that, but I could tell that she wanted to feel like she was supposed to be there, so I started a conversation.

I believe that it is something taught to young girls because she asked my name, which seemed irrelevant, but I gave it nonetheless and she told me that she liked my hair. Ah hah! So that was it. Young girls are taught to compliment your hair.

Anyway, we had a nice conversation which ended with her being yelled at for wandering and probably talking to strangers.

I met up with Nick, and told him how much I really liked that little girl and he said that she was like a mini me. Maybe that was it, I sensed a kindred spirit. Either way. I was so glad that we happened to be there at that time so that I could meet her. It was a highlight to my day, and another reason I could be thankful to be where I was doing what I was.

It is not a common thing that we get a glimpse into it being significant to be where we are and it was sort of like a cosmic wink or something eeked out that might have gone unnoticed. I was so happy to be where I was and I KNEW it was right. Though, I did have questions forming.

A movie line comes to mind, behind the great question there is a yes, and a Yes and a YES. And, I am greatful that I was allowed to see that.

Washing is fun?

I suppose it makes sense that if Kids enjoy coloring the walls, they will have as much fun watching them transform to clean.again.

It is like the way, the kids love the magnet drawing board mostly they like to erase. So I'll segue into what we did this morning. We used magic erasers (generic ofcourse) to clean walls and the kids each had a portion of a scrubbing utensil and I chased them around from spot to spot  cleaning the wall masterpieces. It was fun!

Next up is making a stop animation video for Joseph. He totally loved the video of a bus stopping for a train track, we composed the soundtrack.

Fast trackin

Potential was like a cloud, that I watched and considered it pretty, but it floated away the closer I drew.

Now, Realizing that giving up was not an option I have a whole lot of catching up to do to ever be considered fit enough to deserve or be equally yoked to my potential.

It is possible... Oh, How funny I must seem, er change that to amusing, to omniscient persons. If my life were ever understood there would be a whole lot of voice overs to include thoughts cause they help the plot along.

Fortunately, my movie is an interactive one and the audience knows the outcome already, I am the only one who doesn't it seems sometimes.

I wanted to say a bit about how I rewatch things nearly incessantly if I like them. It is part of the reason I like them. Each rewatch I bring a different mindset to the viewing and see different things. Which thing was intended? Yes.

I am slowly grasping the concept Brandall explained years ago. The key to being understood is in not saying everything. The best example was music videos. He seemed to get them, but I struggled. He explained that it is not seeing a naked girl that expresses anything, but hinting. Then I noticed how movies that are the best only show enough to make you curious.

I was also taking a new approach to making videos. Instead of looking for a video to express what I thought was said by the song. I found a video that said something I liked and put various music to it, and watched it change both could say so much more together because they were not tied down to some preset meaning, to me.

Ah, just part of my zooming through states of existing until I mature enough to Match my potential, which is my real goal, not being something other than the perfectly intended me.

Easter egg hunt

Well, it was as good as long bunny ears. You guessed, it was a flop. Joseph thought he would rather hide candies than eat them, and Mary Anne preferred earring poop to her chocolates *sigh* at least that is over and maybe we will have great memories instead of just nightmares.

Day of rest

We went shopping twice, which is no easy task with a 2 year old and 3 year old. We walked to the park, it was fun, but lest I forget, this am when I went to get Mary Anne, she had removed her diaper and put on a pair of Lena's panties. I didn't scold her, cause at least she recognized her indecency.

Joseph used his potty last night and I applauded him for it. The kids watched countless episodes of super why, I just hope they learned something.

I got to take a nap, and I am still exhausted. I must be fighting off an infection. My mother has,been very sick and right now, a dear friend is suffering the throes of a terrible illness. Can you imagine being sick for over a month, while trying to move, with three children a broken car, and husband with a new job. Terrifying, huh? She is such an example though. Her perspective and fortitude amaze me. Most notably is the love she has for her husband and children. I wish I could do more, maybe I ought to show more gratitude for my own fortune and pray that I stave off this debilitating illness.

Blah

I have not got anything of interest to others to pass on today. I am in a strange mood. I think that today I will devote to understanding Paul, the apostle. He is the most alluring real man I know of. Ooops, I ended a sentance with a preposition.

So, what is up? My older kids will be here tonight, and for that I am so thankful, and pensive.

I just cannot shake an idea, which suggests it is either true or important. But, I fail to see anything with regards to me as important so I lean toward true, but I put my nose in a book to avoid my own thoughts. Afterall, I know that I was commanded to be a student of the scriptures and to let those precepts and doctrines influence me, so there is no question as to if that is good.

Oh yeah! I recently got this tip from a random source: God is peace, and Satan can imitate many things but he cannot imitate peace. So, I can use that sure thing to judge other unsure things. Is this influence peaceful and happy. Lol, funny thoughts just pop into my head. I thought, well, my kids are definetly devil spawn then, they do not cause peace at all. I am not that foolish, it was just a quick funny thought. I need to nurture and develop peaceable attitudes. I know that the natural, unwise man is an enemy to God, but isn't is strange that God would create an enemy? But, I guess that is where Love comes in. It is needed as much as an opposite. We can over one with love.

Ah hah! That explains what has felt so wrong, though I could not understand it. I foolishly believed the words that someone loved me when, the evidence says otherwise. I feel 100% certain that Love gives us the power to overcome, so if that is true, or a brick in my building of truth, than to fit anything else on that building, it,must agree.

If love is the power to overcome. It needs something to overcome, and if it doesn't accomplish anything it wasn't love.

I might go back to sleep for a while. Sleep is peaceful and all :)

Cinnamon

Strange. It sorta goes along with me telling Nick how my accidents are seen as tremendous skill.

I had read that Cinnamon was a multipurpose drug known to even cure diabetes.

It was not intentional that I have been putting extra cinnamon in the smoothies or the sweet potato chocolate chip cookies. Likewise, it is sheer Coindidence that I bought cinnamon steusel cakes, and am enjoying one right now. If it fights off any diseases, that might otherwise plague me or my family, it is lucky coincidence alone.

I am in the bath eating a little Debbie cinnamon steusel cake.

"You don't know you're beautiful."
Everyone else in the world can see it!

Uh, cinnamon actually has 2 n's. Sue me. Ah cannot spel.

Another Fast Sunday - check

I laughed quite hard at Gavin, who is 7 and not required to fast, asked when he would GET to starve, too. Sometimes I wonder if that boy actually likes anything for himself. He reasoned with me pointing to his birthday on the calendar, as if I could forget. He said that he wanted a faster Sunday, too. He thinks that he can make time go faster by not eating and he wants to try it. He asked why he had towait until he was baptised. What a cutie!! He and Joseph make a great tag team of wit. The stuff they think of I could never make up. Like Joes answer to Gavin regardig which hand had the desired toy.  He said,"yours." Or the little note he gave me from his primary class. It was such a great and inspired idea, It was a blank (which he filled in) then it said  "Did I have a preisthood blessing? Can you tell me about it?" He filled in the blank "Dear Mom, Dad, and teeth." What can I say but, I love him! And I mean it.

Happy Anniversary to me

Uh,not too happy. But why should it be? On February 23rd, 2001 I was sealed in the The Temple to one I intended to love forever, It seems that to so many this is not a big deal, but to me it was, and what happenedwas completely out of ny cobtrol, but I was being protected.
The most important thing to find in mortal life is love and though I loved Brandall entirely, and obviously I still kinda do, but I can see how it was necessary for him to divorce me. It is this simmple: If you can live without it, you should. And life was better for hin to get rid of me because I was just holding him back.

This is important for me to understand because I stuck with Nick because he claims undying devotion. I donot want to have to teach hin this lesson,mostly out offear that it will not be comprehended anyway. He values the things he knows to much to acknowlege that they may be wrong. He claims that he is trying to change, but that it is slow and difficuly. Love is the power to overcome. If he really lobed me he would bot haveever risked loosing me, but he only worries about himself, or how he will be percieved. Mostly about himself, like everyone else. loving yourself is not a sin, not loving others more is. He appears valiant but it is like the man who obeys all the laws because they fear punishment.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtJuVwstyE0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKW0uelA6Dw

Today, I want to throw away every nonessential thing. And it is very snowy and coldm and I am in my pajamas. I am going to take a break.

Lastly, I thought this, but did not have anywhere to say it:

I am increasing in my resolve and dissatisfaction and have not reached a boiling point yet. And thefact that I am even close says something. This is my recurring thought, He has been playing the "My past is so dark" card for far too long. No doubt it will come up again, he has been integrating it since highschool. The other thing that gets to ne is the whole Pity me. My Mom died. That is terrible, but, we all loose someone and must decide if we will wallow in pity or use it to overcome because we want to be with them again.

I kept trying to think of where I would like to say thism without saying it,nbut I wanted to record it so that I could remember feeling that way if I for whatever reason in thefuture started doubting my choice.

What the date?

I do not ever know what the date is. Which used to frustrate me in the hospital when little analyzing teams of neurologists would ask me what the date was. It wasn't until I couldn't even tell the year was ascertained that it was certain there was a cognitive problem.

Dates are pretty helpful, I am not suggesting we disband them. I guess one reason I don't keep track is that,my phone/computer/calendar already does it for me. I am highly dependant on them. I wonder if mankind used to have to make mental notes of what time it was. Without clocks, I wonder,I'd my schedule would work as smoothly.

It is the 15th and I have a terrible headache, but I am so excited because today I get to,be in the physical prescience of all of my children!!!

Another thing, they say a rose by any other name would smell so sweet, and I put forward the idea that with or without calendars my daughter would grow up, and grow up she has. She is a beautiful woman who I hope always associates with me. There was no mistake in naming her Sarah Lena. She truly is a princess and may she always command according respect.

I have a terrible misgivings about them going. Because of one particular memory: the kids were involved in a car accident and cried calling me on the phone. I needed to be with them! And Brooksie was crying and asking, "Where is mommy?"

There are so many Such memories, like Lena refusing to close her eyes unless I held her hand because I,might disappear. Or telling everyone to leave a spot empty next to her at the school lunch table incase,mom comes. They are older now, the years have passed, but I know that I was purposely given those children, and I need to do all I can to remain in that part of their lives though it seems fate is trying to shove me aside as unimportant.

A mother does more than provide life.

Oooof!

The kids broke the dresser and completely destroyed Mary's room. She has taken all of her clothes off again, and I am getting more,and more sick, but all in all life is good. By pulling the,bed apart, I will,be forced to put it together more securely, and maybe I'll nail the dresser to the wall, or at least think of a way to keep them from taking out the drawers.

Yesterday, I folded and sorted all of Mary's clothes. So, it is a bit upsetting to see them strewn all over her room, but it reminds me that I really ought to streamline everything and find a better home for those boxes from years ago, or I risk becoming like my grandmother.

This gives me a better purpose and shows me exactly where I am needed. I do have 6 more hours to dedicate to "homemaking". Plus, when Mary Anne sees me cleaning up she will see it as a pattern to follow. She already knows that I hate messes and calls them bad.

I think the biggest cause of mess is clutter, the solution is not better storage, but fewer things.

I plan to start in her room and just make,everyroom nicer and neater and make a large number of trips to the dumpster.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Night before

I suppose that would make it valentine's eve. Ha ha so stinking what!

It is not for the winning we fight.
Then, what's the point?

So, I just,wanted to share a memory before I loose it.

I was taking out the trash and I noticed the moon was hidden, no big deal, the sun was all day, likely the same thing is blocking it's light

My memory was of the night I went for a walk, and made a mental note to remember it. I wrote a song about the moon and how it was secondary to the sun but most important body of the night. As long as the moon still exsists I will remember the feelings and that night. I was so young and hopeful. I ought to be only more so now, but I am almost always depressed and feel completely worthless and unable. But, admittedly, depression creates more thoughts.

Right now...

Well, I paused what I was doing, this is kinda like a save point before the big boss. Ironically, the save point usually becomes important because of agency. We wonder if our choice was correct, so either fear that it will be incorrect or curiosity of if we chose otherwise, we want to have a fall back point, makes,me think of a line from Matchbox 20 "...get back to good."

I am at good right now, but sincerely want to know why agency and I am about to find out.

Mortality

I don't remember what I said, but I obviously taught improperly when I tried to explain why we fasted. Gavin looked up at me and very seriously said, "Well, then I don't need to ever fast because I want to die."

Most fascinating boy

Gavin never ceases to amaze me. Today he asked me how God tells us stuff when we ask. I explained various,methods of revelation.
The initial conversation was about how he would know or better how I knew that he needed to serve a mission, and if the girls had to go, too. Then as serious as can be he told me, "But, I never hear any voice, not even God's. Am I bad?"

How does it appear?

Today, was the day I saw it. I'll take a picture.

Many of my thoughts will require revision.

Intelligence begets truth, so intelligence is attractive more than beauty though we confuse the two, The divine inheritance isn't seen necessarily, but it is understood.

Jesus may have had brown eyes, but that is inconsequential proportionately to how much we love him.

Just being smart isn't the same as being wise.

Conclusion: The glory of God is intelligence.

Just do it

I am going to do it. I am going to find out what is wanted of me to do and then do it. My choice was to simply obey, not think and over think everything coming up with reasons that please everyone and make sense. Forget that. I want to do what I am supposed to I really want that.

The kids left

It is always hard to tear off a,bandaid, but it cannot stay there forever. It is a lot like those nurses who come and press on your uterus after having a baby. Supposedly, it must be done, but I hate it more than labor and delivery.

I also think of the scene on Dances with Wolves where his has an infected foot, and it must come off. There are times we choose the pain later to be at peace now. We are immediate creatures.

Change

Things change quickly, be ready.

I hope I'm ready

Well, it is that time again, bed time, or also know as the mental day in review. But, tonight my mind rests on tomorrow. I am so excited, because I missed them last week.

But, no matter how much I prepare I remember something that I failed to do in advance. It has helped trmendously planning out a menu. Making choices on the spot is much harder than following directions, but sometimes a fly is tossed in the soup sort of, or maybe it is more like a hair in a cookie. I could fix it, but instead I simply change my plans to fit what I can do and wonder why I ever even planned anything.

My eyes are falling closed,  before you know it my chance to rest will have passed.

Today, I will mark this day as significant

I am starting a scientific test on a thing I cannot define, but if it is true, it will be called faith, though if proved it cannot be faith, it will have been faith that became more.

No internet

I woke up this morning to no internet and realized.how dependant I had become. I mean, it was like I didn't get my cup of coffee. I know that is a joke, but really, my whole day felt off kilter because I didn't have the expected tools at my fingertips. If you are religious, you might understand better in terms of some how offending God and no longer having that extra bit if confidence that no matter what happened, it has all been survived before and you will find help.

I could still Use my phone as a phone, uh, no I can't because it is broken, but it worked to do so many other things, I wanted to look up recipes, calendars, songs, etc. online, but I couldn't. I was making a pair of gloves which in theory I understood, but I had used the pattern exactly for the first and wanted and intended to use a pattern for it's pair. Oh well.

I finished a project for Joseph using my own skill and ideas which felt nice though I never doubted I could.

I started to realize something of extreme importance. Infact, it is probably too important to say here. I figured a few things out and was suprised that I hadn't already, they were so obvious. Maybe that was what Natalie Bradley was talking about when she saoid that the best way to get tripped up is to get so involved in doing good things that you are too busy to notice the best things.

Not, expounding on my thoughts so that others could digest them, I was able to think more deeply about so many things and an explination to fit them all. I get it now and can rightly and fully say that I do not love Brandall Brawner. I only loved and still.do love things about him, but not him. What I love has not changed, but my understanding reached a new level today.

Today, so many things made sense and felt right. I had been thinking that I understood things before and was keeping to myself regarding it, though, really, it kept making me wonder why, and feel confused. Now, I feel good and  just as much uh, doubt? But, something assures me this is true, anything true is going to seem impossible or everyone would know it. I've said too much... Cue REM.

Birthday

It is another birthday, not Jesus, but just as delightful and misunderstood.

It is 7:30 and still no Joe. My conclusion is that thinking uses so much energy, paying attention in primary yesterday tuckered him out.

I guess this one didn't publish. Nothing to do with birthdays, well it is ALWAYS foolish to say nothing. I just realized that if time waits for no one that doesn't mean I won't. Birthdays are a measure of time,  we celebrate that we were clever enough to not get killed all year.

Um, this wit is from my older brother. After that guy who tried to claim other stories as his own, I want it to be clear he said it first. I must be invincible, nothing has killed me yet.

Joe had guests!

Today we were like pioneers trudging through the snow to the store, but it turned out being the worst ever trip to the store. I hope never to have that happen again!

Also, Joseph learned to climb on the table to undo the chain lock. When I caught him,he said that he was only trying to help me. It was cute. He said, "Mommy, what do you say?" I told him to PLEASE get off the table. He told me, "No. Say Thank you."

Later, his primary teachers came to visit him. Tomorrow will be his first day. He absolutely loved the attention they kept talking directly to him, etc. They gave him a bag of cookies and excitedly he showed me. I asked in a whisper, "What do you say?" He quickly retorted, "Please" His teacher said well, that works. I told him "No. You say Thankyou." He said it and continued being his charming self.

New years day

I let the kids stay up until midnight. We watched Final Fantasy: The Spirits within. My hope and intent was to increase their imaginations. Lena actually asked a lot of questions like what Fantasy had to do with it, and when I explained she commented that she was suprised that it was so futuristic. I told her that was just how ideas are created in a mind type. Some imagine stories long ago, some in the distant future, but some imagine them right now.

Yesterday, for Family Home Evening, we discussed how families are like Smoothies, and have essential parts, but that success is not necessarily achieved by using parts that seem best on their own. Then, the kids had a smoothie competition, making their own "blended families" ha ha ha, it waa fun.

Sister Hirschi brought over a gift that the kids loved. It was a picture book of rhyming text of ancient scripture called, "The Voice From the Dust" the older kids had a blast just creating their own stories from the pictures. I thought, so much of the work was already done, I can just write the songs and sing the stories to my babies! An awesome gift!

The best of all was a plate of homemade chocolates! They were amazing both to look at and to eat. I had tried to make candies, but failed. She definitely has a talent there. I recall going to a chocolate shop when I visited Robert to learn to make the little signatures on chocolates to tell them apart when making an assorted box.

I gave Brandall assorted chocolates for Christmas.

And that is all I have to say right now. Happy New Year! Maybe this year will he THE Year for me. Who knows?