today's thoughts

Twofold. The thoughts that I think today will be directly generated by these:

1.) Is the best time to decide to have a hysterectmy right after a traumatic pregnancy, laying on the O/R table already drugged up? It might be.

2)Nothing you can do could be as terrible as I am.

my test

Well ,things seem to be happy in my current life. I must "dumb it down a bit", or be more of the world. According to the world, my life is superb. But, I just have this feeling like I was intended for something else, and my goal is not to find happiness for a while.

On to what my test really was though, now that I've given the conclusion... I have always heard that "breakfast is the most important meal of the day." or such things, but wondered if how you start your day honestly effects how you live. It does.

First thing when I got up my mind set was organized by this wonderful thought: we are all likened to clay. 'uh, it was so beautiful. I will not paraphrase or rewrite the words to suit my own purposes, I'll just paste them here and think with my typing:

I was telling him that we can form the clay, while it is soft,

and that if we have a vision of what we want the clay to become, we must form it while the clay is soft-- or as the clay hardens we won't be able to reshape it.

and I said that is like our character and the kind of man he wants to become some day, it starts now, with his choices...

bcz if he thinks he can "be" that man when he is an adult w/o first forming "his clay" (ie himself) into that, he will be sad to learn he waited too long. change may be possible later, but not easily (and likely never as well formed as if he had been formed that way from his youth) .

 

 

So If mankind is more maleable in their youth, it stands to reason that we are all more maleable in the morning.  I have contrasted days where I read scriptures with or without prayer and otherdays just prayed or listened to music. This morning I just tried to focus on being a good wife and mother, but could not stay away from craving scriptures!

I want to write a long post about reasonable men Vs. Spiritual man and conclude that a reasonable spiritual man is best.

Ok, so, with that I have so far learned that scripture study combined with prayer tastes best! I cannot describe how wonderful it feels to be so close to heaven, and it sets the mood all day and can shape all of one's choices, too. Well, then, it is further extrapolated that the teachings I recieved as a child from the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches me the best principles and the best way to have a great life. so, for me, regardless of supposed veracity of certain points, which really bothers me, frankly, you life is better with it. It is like the Brilliant people who are "too wise" to believe in Santa anymore or raise their children with such s foolish tradition. They haved missed the point. It is good to give without thought of what you gt back, that is all part of what I got from Santa. No one gives a flip about the first kid who "figured it out". Uh, sorry. My opinions are showing :)

Without details, I can say that not eating a breakfast of yummy scriptures can ultimately lead one to a good and happy life, but not the best one, and really, you will have missed out on so many of those hidden treasures around you without proper guidance.

cooking mishaps

Ok, this isn't going to be about the many times I messed up an otherwise perfect meal by overcooking, like I have heard the joke about treating our husbands like gods, with burnt offerings. But, it is about my daily life.

 I was suprised by a thing that happened on Sunday night. I was baking cookies upon request for my little ones that wanted a homebaked goodie to take with them. Admitedly, I was rushed to try and bake their treat before their dad got here to pick them up.

If you don't know the kitchen is a scary place for me, with all of it's sharo untensils, hot things, and oils or powders to drop and make a mess. My balance is terrible. I was running to get the cookies out of the oven when the beeper went off, and as I tried to grab the tray of hot cookies, I dropped it. Brandall was standing right there by this time and he was concerned and tried to help me. I was really impressed by this act because it is something I a entirely unaccustomed to, Nick, my husband, just says, there is nothing wrong with me, and expects me to take care of everything by myself.

I thought about what Brandall said to the kids today because as I was making lunch for Nick, Joseph and Mary both wanted to help, and I told them that the kitchen was not a safe place for them, as the grease bubbles popped and exploded onto my hand, OUCH! I also recall a story a girl told of her step mom cooking with a deep fryer and when shedropped the basket the grease splashed up on her face and hands. Her sister suggested that they say a prayer and to this day, they believe it helped her, though she sti suffered and has scars, it was not nearly as bad or unbearable as it ought to have been. I instantly thought of the Roswell episode where the mother is stress cooking ans starts a grease fire and her son Max saves her using his alien powers.

Day off

Yeah, off from what? i suppose that is a matter of perspective like everything else. There is no evidence that a day off ever comes, but God created things (worked) and then took a day off and comanded us to do so, too. Nick has Mondays off. I really don't like it. It solidifies in my mind how much happier I'd be in an other house and how his priorities ae not my priorities. Sometimes I wonder if he has ever felt a need in his life. The things he says and concusions he jumps to from the same evidence of thongs that I see is completely different. Again, I say that we see the same things. But, there is something in our brains that causes the samething to go in and come out differently. In the tv show fringe I recall someone mentioning that a criminal mind is pretty much the same as a cop. Which is why they are so good at finding on another. They jump to the same conclusions. Nick is entirely an earthly guy, or a popular guy. his concusions paralell the world closely and so his little quips win friends and are generally likable. To me, almost everything he says is foolish and annoying. I really intended to discussor need for divorce, because it is obvious, but I do not want to ruin the lives of my children,but as a good friend pointed out, staying together is worse for the kids. I really liked a tiny scene of "The Dresden Files" where Murphy is talking toanother woman who adopted her son, the woman asked if she had children. She said that she did, but then pointed toher finger that was devoid of ring. The woman says," oh, sorry."Murphy replied, " No. Sorry would have been staying together." Something odd happened today, too. when I gotupI saw in my peoipheral vision, that the gate was open. I made a mental note to go close it. Time went buy, as I found a free moment, mymind pooped up with a little nagging reminder toshut the gate. I opended the door and stepped outside with that in mind only to see the gate was shut. My conclusion is that the way we percieve things based on evidence is not the same soto base facts on perception (generally empiracal only means something is tangible or unchanging) is wrong. Evdence can be incorrectly percieved, or entirely in a different manner. I canot count how many murder mysteries I have "digested" where the culprit leaves intentionally misleading evidence. Likewise, people take what they "know" about me from little glimpses, the rest is extrapolated, and I have had to deal with many a false accusation. So, I have little to norespect for detective work.

Work it out

ok, this is a journal entry most specificaly for me to work out some major issues that I'm having that I really ought not to speak with anyone about.

If we all have a story then does it have a plot and can we diagram the conflict? What is my big conflict? I think it might be comon, and often I think it might be mistaken as marriage. But, I assure you that there is no person who exsists that you will naturally be compatible with anyway, struggle is eminent, and overcomable. which is why so many popular books are about love.

My first husband, sad to refer to a husband that way, such choices to stay together and sort of bend and compliment eachother rather than get mad and think you are always right and the other person just cannot be what you want them to be. Anyway, my first husband I followed the pattern and loved entirely with my mind and most of my heart. But that wasn't right, not because we are not together anymore, that is a symptom, not the trouble. the trouble is that I lost my mind, literally, and I didn't even know what was going on, I felt like I wasn't gettig something, but I didn't know what it was. One doctor, a pychologist thought that she would relate to me by saying that all men are pigs, because I was divorced. She was writting a book, I remember that. She told me that regardless of men, I needed to stay in TN to take care of the children and they and I had good heath care. side track, sorry. But being as I didn't have my mindto fall back on as he started a strange course, I, insteasd felt very alone and realized that It had been wrong to "put allof my eggs in one basket" those were the words which came to mind then. I was thinking that I had nothing to fall back on if what I was sure of failed. It is alot like John Nash thinking that he could solve his own problem, but his problem solving mind was what needed to be fixed, it would be like trying to repair a operating system by using it. Possible? maybe. But, not wise.

I felt like y time was running out because we are only cute and attractive, etc, for a limited time, and I wanted a family. I thought about what was most important, but ever really learned my lesson. So what was most important was my belief system. So, that was my number one priority, it I thought was the one certain thing that could not be destroyed. Then, I saw my perfect example fall apart. CRAP! If that wasn't certain enough what was?

So here I am in a family with those who do believe the same as me an that was what attracted me most about my husband, but it also furiated me the most. But, We realized that our end goal is the same, so no matter what happens along the way, we can depend on one another. Still in the back of my mind I think, ugh! but what if that is lost, I really do not have anything else to fall back on, a total zero-level format would be my only solution. So, here I am, not at the point where a "format" is necessary but, I understand that it can happen, and just because he is very wise does not make him safe.

I think it needs to be a more sure foundation, kinda like they were teaching me in physical therapy, when learning to walk again. I like to keep my feet closer together, but was constantly reminded that if I really wanted to learn to walk then, i needed a better base. I cannot remember what thery caled it, but it meant placing my feet farter apart. LOL now, I'm going to drag my brother Joathan into this, cause I was thiking about him all along, and how cool it was to go to the temple whn he was married.  At first I was worried that they weren't enough in love, because no one could be in ove as much as Brandall and I were, but I saw them and I cannot explain any particular thing that happened, but I just knew that they were entirely in love. A fewq people commented about how jealous they were about how in love Brandall and I were. I digress again, My brother made a funny comment, as usual, about my feet. He said that was why I could walk aain and have good ballance because my feet were so big, Who could ever fall down with skis like that? He has always said such funny, yet perfectly pertinent things. Dr. Eleazar or the LDS services counselor told me that I needed to start reding funny books or something and laugh at least once a day. So, I got far side books.

It is true that you need to be in love fully with your heart, but it is not enough.  And we need our trust to be in something that will not ever end.