Work it out

ok, this is a journal entry most specificaly for me to work out some major issues that I'm having that I really ought not to speak with anyone about.

If we all have a story then does it have a plot and can we diagram the conflict? What is my big conflict? I think it might be comon, and often I think it might be mistaken as marriage. But, I assure you that there is no person who exsists that you will naturally be compatible with anyway, struggle is eminent, and overcomable. which is why so many popular books are about love.

My first husband, sad to refer to a husband that way, such choices to stay together and sort of bend and compliment eachother rather than get mad and think you are always right and the other person just cannot be what you want them to be. Anyway, my first husband I followed the pattern and loved entirely with my mind and most of my heart. But that wasn't right, not because we are not together anymore, that is a symptom, not the trouble. the trouble is that I lost my mind, literally, and I didn't even know what was going on, I felt like I wasn't gettig something, but I didn't know what it was. One doctor, a pychologist thought that she would relate to me by saying that all men are pigs, because I was divorced. She was writting a book, I remember that. She told me that regardless of men, I needed to stay in TN to take care of the children and they and I had good heath care. side track, sorry. But being as I didn't have my mindto fall back on as he started a strange course, I, insteasd felt very alone and realized that It had been wrong to "put allof my eggs in one basket" those were the words which came to mind then. I was thinking that I had nothing to fall back on if what I was sure of failed. It is alot like John Nash thinking that he could solve his own problem, but his problem solving mind was what needed to be fixed, it would be like trying to repair a operating system by using it. Possible? maybe. But, not wise.

I felt like y time was running out because we are only cute and attractive, etc, for a limited time, and I wanted a family. I thought about what was most important, but ever really learned my lesson. So what was most important was my belief system. So, that was my number one priority, it I thought was the one certain thing that could not be destroyed. Then, I saw my perfect example fall apart. CRAP! If that wasn't certain enough what was?

So here I am in a family with those who do believe the same as me an that was what attracted me most about my husband, but it also furiated me the most. But, We realized that our end goal is the same, so no matter what happens along the way, we can depend on one another. Still in the back of my mind I think, ugh! but what if that is lost, I really do not have anything else to fall back on, a total zero-level format would be my only solution. So, here I am, not at the point where a "format" is necessary but, I understand that it can happen, and just because he is very wise does not make him safe.

I think it needs to be a more sure foundation, kinda like they were teaching me in physical therapy, when learning to walk again. I like to keep my feet closer together, but was constantly reminded that if I really wanted to learn to walk then, i needed a better base. I cannot remember what thery caled it, but it meant placing my feet farter apart. LOL now, I'm going to drag my brother Joathan into this, cause I was thiking about him all along, and how cool it was to go to the temple whn he was married.  At first I was worried that they weren't enough in love, because no one could be in ove as much as Brandall and I were, but I saw them and I cannot explain any particular thing that happened, but I just knew that they were entirely in love. A fewq people commented about how jealous they were about how in love Brandall and I were. I digress again, My brother made a funny comment, as usual, about my feet. He said that was why I could walk aain and have good ballance because my feet were so big, Who could ever fall down with skis like that? He has always said such funny, yet perfectly pertinent things. Dr. Eleazar or the LDS services counselor told me that I needed to start reding funny books or something and laugh at least once a day. So, I got far side books.

It is true that you need to be in love fully with your heart, but it is not enough.  And we need our trust to be in something that will not ever end.