Orginzational skills?

I figured it out today when I was looking at others houses on snapchat photos. I am a better than average organizer for what I have, mostly what I have a better ideas that we cannot afford like toy boxes, shelves and dressers so we use hangers or hanging toy catchers but Nick has used all of the closet space in each room so, I use the shower in my bathroom which has no other use because the plumbing hasn't worked for over 6 years. But, that was not what I figured out. I figured out that every one who accuses another or any sort of lack is comparing. An institute teacher commented that if an elementary school teach taught you differently how to make you letters it might seem like you have illegible handwritting to another. I saw it when my youngest daughter brought home reading homework wriiten in a cursive font that I could hardly make out with the clues from the plot. And I asked her if they made their letters differentlu. "Oh yeah, that is thst scribble writting like you do. So, I figured you could read it."

So, today I solved the supposed issue of not having good organizational skills. Likwise, my husband claimed that I had a terrible memory, when it has been thoroughly tested by my neurology team and personal pychologist who told me that my memory was almost impossible. Infact, I still rember three words he asked me to remember, pink, kentucky, and piano. I also remember that he never asked me to repeat them after the test. That was over 10 years ago. But, maybe this is still part of the test. Psychologists do strange things. :)

Dinner fail

This just happened, so no time to pause and filter my response to make it more acceptable.

I really want to just leave and take my chances to whether I live or die, I owe absolutely nothing to Nick anyhow, although I did promise to be his legal wife, and my resposibility towards the children is such a strong tie that I cannot do anything that would effect them negatively,  like admiting to them that I hate their father. Alright, why I am more upset right now:

We were asked where we wanted to go to eat, so I explained where the kids wanted to go and why, and he said it was fine.  So, I scoured the web for coupons, then took a nap. Nick messaged me that he was going to cancel the excursion because of snow. So, I just informed him that it was sunny here and had been all day. But, I got out the food I had prepared, but then he said, "nevermind we will go." So, I did not know what we were doing. I told the kids such. Then, he got home much earlier than he normally does with no explination, so, I just got the kids dressed and ready. Mary was so excited cause she is what my mom used to call a "go girl". We drove to the parking lot of Chuck E. Cheese and it looked very busy so he said that we could not go. Then, he asked where we wanted to go after I had already said a sensible option of hetting a pizza and eating at home while playing a game. Nick did not want to do this. Mary was bawling her eyes out. The first few choices were instantly rejected, so I figured that he already had made up his mind where he wanted to go, but I learned from studying Alma that regardless how a person seems to have decided they must be allowed to actually choose such to deserve their following consequence (story of Alma and Amulek regarding their not saving the Christians who were to be put to death by fire). He had actually asked is where we wanted to go, so we needed to decide. The kids decided exactly what they wanted to do (go to McDonald's Play Place to eat) although they did not reject my idea either of getting a pizza and going home. Joseph did start saying that he was sooooo hungry and just wanted any resturaunt really, meaning a sit down meal. But, Nick had already decided where he wanted to go. So, he went there and Mary cried even more and Nick only got food for himself, and this made Joseph start to complain now, too. So, he then went to a Wendy's drive thru,  and got something for the kids who started devouring immediately, but I think that he took their drink, too cause I had to get drinks for them once they got home. So, now we are back home, where we were to begin with only now, any hope we had for the potential of a fun excursion was gone, so we are sort of worse off than we were and I am left with disconsolate children, and absolutely no faith in my husband anymore. So, I can start planning how to leave him but keep the kids, they deserve a better example and want to be sealed as a family, and for that reason I keep hoping things will work out. I must believe in God or else I would not feel any debt towards this family, but I do because I promised to guide the children to the sort of life they were intended to live and understand.

Dead flowers

Well, I guess they served a purpose. I had been warned, and it is a strange thing, but Nick told me not to ever assume something was,mine unless he said so. Well, there were flowers on the table that showed up on valentine's day, but nothing was ever said to me ever, so I assumed they were not for me, which is fine cause the sybolism of the color meant strained friendship anyhow. So, I let them be until finally they had been dead for three days and still nothing had been said so I assumed they must have been intended for me so I took care of disposing them, and they became another symbol to me that my husband knows his duty, but he only fills it as much as is required, and apparently he is not required to do anything to keep or maintain things around here. Afterall, he works and drives a car, something helping to define him as disposable. Infact, I could and probably should start earning my own money and get my own home, and let him take care of this stuff, cause I frankly find it offensive the sort of squallor we live in. It amused me to see that he seemed to be genuinely suprised at the life we lead which is not at all the sort of life he leads. But, still he continues to spend money left and right on himself while making certain we are living thriftily, and claims that we cannot afford things like flour and eggs, so others supply them out of kindness of their hearts, also others compassionately offer rides to the children because he refuses to allow me to drive his car or get one that is suitable for the family, because we can just walk or beg for rides. So, no need for him to care. What immediately comes to mind is how much excruciating pain I was in, but my husband just ignored it and told me that I could not afford to do anything without insurance. I wondered if thing would be different if he was in pain or one of the kids was. Well, I believe that one day God will judge him for his behavior, so I just deal with it, and do what I am able (like pray and ask for priesthood blessings, cause my husband cannot give them and probably wouldn't if I asked anyway).

So, what happened? My prayers were heard and answered!! It was the biggest miracle of my life, and I write about it unless I forget how significant it was. Heavenly Father had compassion on me and provided a means for me to find relief and a beautiful smile, and for it I am grateful in the biggest way imagineable.
So much gratitude ought to be reserved for a husband although the source would likely be the same. Because of my unique situation I was even told by the one who helped orchestrate it, that it was very important that I realize that it was God who gave the gift, not the giver of the gift, and getting them confused was easy to do. Because of that situation, I was able to learn undeniably that Heavenly Father is mindful and loves me and will provide as he always has for those who recognize and ask. So, I knew that if I needed anything I would have it, if I asked. That helps me recognize the difference between wanting and needing. Now, back to the flowers, they are dead, and disposed of although I was reluctant to do so. As soon as I realized that they were mine, I took care of them, as I always would have if I had been aware.

Not funny anymore

I have let this go on too long. I rationalized that it was scientific I was trying to prove that I would naturally look a certain way no matter what I do because I worked extra hard at being healthy and active for most of my life, and I did not see a major change besides what my mother assured me was normal aging. But today is the day, and it fit in perfectly with a thing I would never have done if I was materialistic. I felt/feel hideous, something must be done. I had honestly felt so good about myself, like I had reached the point where I was beautiful and I liked me, if others didn't it was their loss, but, today I do not like myself and I want to like me again.

Seriously, let me explain. I feel like every person in the world looks sooo much more beautiful than me. I am warped in how I see myself. I bet I am not as unusual as I believe myself to be.  Really humans are all beautiful, I wish I could just look like one of them, but no amount of makeup or self doctoring could make me look acceptable.

It is funny. I thought I was soo fat and ugly then, I lost alot of weight and missed being fat, and thought, well, maybe I gained weight in the first place just so I would feel better after loosing weight, which I did, but honestly, I thought I was waay too fat when I was that weight before. So, I think it has been a gradual acceptance of gross, just cause it was an improvement from what it was. But, that has got to stop. I am going to start working out regularly, maybe it will not be too much cause last time I was soooo sore for days that I vowed that I would never do that again. But, small enough not to get hurt but do it regularly meaning daily will get me in better shape again!