"This is my temporary home"

I feel like breaking into song, but I always do.I am sure my family is glad that I cannot. I used to enjoy living like musical, dancing around as I did things, but I cannot do that either, yet. There was a time when I could not do things like eat and walk, but I can now. I find the way when a thing becomes necessary.

We just got back to Utah after being in Washington for 5 days, to go to the temple so that Brandy Lewis could get her endowments! It was so wonderful. The Weather was nice, Joseph got sick though, and the missionaries had to come give him a blessing. but, he seems well now, but Mary and I are ill and Nick excused his poor behavior on illness, So I guess that he is sick, too. I am so glad we never went to see Lotus, now, too. Or else her children might have gotten ill again, a very terrible thing for them, so I obeyed that little voice telling me that I ought not try to go see her, though I did have to fight my natural inclinations. But, I did meet Hidi Borup, and that was awesome! She taught me things particularly about myself that I never had thought of or considered. And as I was about to take a nap today that never happened I had this thought, that I'd like to remember: If Meeting Lotus is what I want, I wil have it, only not now. at a future time, it will be the right time, and I will get to meet her and I even thought of how much fun it would be to do something fun like bake cookies, like those Oatmeal Raisin cookies, or Mrs. Millers, or those Rootbeer float ones that I still haven't tried,

I could rant like no bodies business about how terrible Nick is, but I still need to go to Michigan, so I'll pretend things are fine, but I really hate him, and so many things about him. Still, I do think that those children are important, far more important than me enduring him for a while, but what if I die? I will have wasted the chance to be sealed to one that I love forever, just because I was wanting the children to have a mother and father, but my other kids, ooooh! let me tell you one thing that got me sooooo mad today. We spent 5 days in WA and John paid for everything, I felt really guilty, which no woman ever should. It reminded me of what was so good in my life with my parents and Brandall. Nick decides on budgets and denies things that I try to include him on the descision, though he never even listens to the idea, he just vetos it under the implication that it isn't included on this budget which I have no say in, and he hides things from me and accuses me of trying to steal his PIN, like I would give a crap. I just don't understand why if he wants to keep "His" finances so secret that he doesn't just create a seperate shared account for us. Instead, I have no way to get money and no access to a car, but am forbidden to even be taught how to drive his. This is not a happy life, not one God intended. I, though conversations with others, have come to realize that God does not condone my mariage at all anyway. But, I digress. So, he got upset because I wanted to buy pinata candy for my son's birthday. He forbade me. He refuses them any money, because he doesn't like them and openly says so, they know it, too. Again, not the sort of life I imagined. I was explaining to Hdi and Brandy how I still do feel a bit of sorrow because my new life with Nick as supposed to be much different, but, instead, it is worse than the one I had with Brandall, making that one look good (but, I do not need to be reminded that my life with Brandall was not one headed in the right direction).

Brandall would have definately wanted to adopt my children. He is a much better man than Nick, and though it is not obvious because I have forgiven him, He did do many terrible things regarding me. almost unbelievably horrible. Mom calls him a "good weather friend". He seems so good unless you need someone to have your back. I never even tried to hide the fact that I had children, and Nick still married me, but will have no part of the Older kid's life. That really frustrates me, too. But, my issue was that he might claim that his failure comes from not having a job, but I see it as a failure to step up to his responsibilities. He believes that he has none regarding those children but, I am their mother and they have full claim on me, and should not even ever be concerned with such issues as: if they will have a birthday party because mom's husband doesn't like them or have enough money. Money ought never to even cross their minds. They are kids and ought to be happy. So, John took care that we never even knew the price of things, it only mattered that we wanted them. Also, I was very upset that Nick did not even bring alot of the gifts that we got for the Lewis's that had been sitting in a box in our kitchen for nearly a year. I see a huge problem with Nick not stepping to the plate regarding his financial obligation, and I feel, as with all other things that I am going to have to fend for myself, if I want anything, So, I plan to use my Christmas and birthday money to open my own account, and start making my own money. I do not think he is even partially ready for the responsibility of being a husband or a father. For him, it is better that he remain single. It is clear that is the life style he likes and hopes to live still, only for him a wife means someone will always feed you and do whatever he wants at the time. He calls it "Putting up with his crap." which phrase I agree to, but define it differently, but we have children now, and he is working with the bishop to deal with his "issues".

I really want to just leave right now, I'm so mad, but I'm not at the breaking point yet. I can still see beyond the immediate consequences. I'll endure because I want my children to be happy, and I really want to do what is right. I know that I did what was right in going to washington, And more good will result of that than almost anything else that I've done.

The weather was nice, It only rained when we were indoors anyway, and it wasn't really rain, and it didn't last.