it's too late

Tonight, I came to the most solid conclusions ever,  summed up? There was a time, but it has passed, and it is too late. I have refused the admission.

It is time to write those letters to my.children, and I see now that no matter my fate or suffering, my eternal life is of more concern thatn a brief comfortable mortal life. I don't care what my situation might be degenerated to. Everyone must seek that goal of peace, I don't know where mine is, but I know where it is not.

It just took me a bit longer to grow up, but now that I have I must live according to my conscience. I have a lot of repententing to do but, make no mistake, my desire is to do what is,best, only I was given a strange peek into how differently things are percieved forever, and I promise to live so that when the time comes that I join my ancestors they will be proud of my life and choices, not just feel.sorry and speak.about what could have happened.

I wanted to just say that it was too late in a sentance and leave it at that.

November 2012

today I got the nudge I was seeking. Go and do something of consequence, each act of service will build on another building a fine charachter and mothers feel like they can't do as much because they are tied down. but it was suggested that they realize that it is of most worth and service to raise goo children. That was my aswer. not what I want to do, but what I ought to do.

True Love

Simply put, I can honestly say this in words and never fear any implication. I am in love,and I now what it is.

I Love Jesus Christ and would prove it if required, but that is not the point. I just entirely feel in love. The more I learn the more I love.

how do you know?

There is much that I comprehend but choose to appear ignorant about to avoid that very question, "how do you know?" I thought of the perfect way to explain it in terms that anyone may understand. I was watching a TV Program with my son and in it they talked about how we have many senses and just because one is harmed or hindered to the point that it is unreliable we just use other senses to tell us what we must know.

So, let this be a little smirk. I am not the ignorant little fool you take me for with your unrounded senses. I speak fluent innuendo, and have received all of the messages that I originally assumed were not intended,for me, though I hoped, now, I just cannot bear the deep concern to develop for,me. I understand the need for secrecy, and I just don't have the strength to follow suit, instead I'll just keep on pretending. Ok, I am falling asleep, my words said put it in the microwave on high for 10 minutes...

nothing significant

unless you want to read how I think through things, this is a waste of your time to read, I sugest you go look elsewhere to be entertained or educated.

Having prefaced my remarks thus, I will think through everything while I am sitting, and slightly less interrupted as usual.I just burned some brownies, not really, but I threw them away just the same.

nothing. I got nothing.

I bet there are some great songs titled nothing.

I need something

repitition

It is a method most teachers are familiar with, it is written on most items as the way to ensure success, Even my husband has noted how frustrating it is that Jesus Christ repeats his question to Peter, "Do you love me?" ?but it clarifies and makes cetain one is heard properly, sometimes I repeat things in my head just for verification as I didn't really catch things correctly the first time. t is also doctrine that two witnesses need to be offered to accept a thing as true and the angel appear 3 times to verfy he said the exact same things again, just so Joseph would not mess up what he was told.

I have been to this same point many times, the information is clear. I am entirely nistaken regarding my life purpose. I have realized that it is not too late to correct my mistake and that no mistake I made was potentially unforgivabe or uncorrectable. Last night I watched the movie "there be dragons" and loved the way it made me feel. If we are given bigger opportunities for mistakes then we are fortunate. just look at Peter. Even he was forgivable, I believe that even Judas Iscariot could have been forgiven had he not tried to solve things on his own. It will be becauuse I surrender my will that I can be forgiven and that is the only way I can have a hope of achieving the perfection I desire.

I need to go back to being oblivious of the things I shouldn't know anything about anyway, and instead simpy trust how I feel.

I need to get the kids dressed up so we can go do something fun, and get Joseph more presents and some peanutbutter. Ugh! it's raining, plan 2 Bath time and movie/pizza/popcorn night. "brother bea" again.

This is just another test of my resolve to live better, and be better, I just want to fritter my time away onine until bedtime, though.

My crochet project

Yesterday, I had a weird but common incident with my crochet project. I am making a larger sturdier bag for church on Sundays. I cannot find a pattern or exsisting bag that suits me, so I'm making one and yesterday I finished the long laborious task.

It included pulling apart an old afghan I had started year ago, to match my cool Monkey slippers. But as I would likely never complete it and I needed yarn, and had five able bodied kids around last weekend, looking to be helpful. We had fun making about 15 balls of yarn. I realy think Joseph was more of a trouble-causing than solving partner, but fun was had by everyone!

It was two-strand thick and took any and all free time I had for weeks. But yesterday evening I was done at last! and ahead of schedule! But, the frustrating part is yet to come.

The sides and bottom portion (the gussie) was waaay too long. I really cannot even wonder how it got so long*. But I did not want to undo all of that work, so I tried to attach it. As I was putting the pieces together I thought, "You know, doing it right the first time will save you alot of headache."I ignored that thought, but grew frustrated that I spent so much time on such a cobbled up mess. I decided that it was time to put it down for a while.

I wrote an e-mail to a friend, but the mess was still on my mind so I started thinking of all of my problems in terms of crochet. I was thinking about my life taking so long to get just how I want it, but I wouldn't even really think about what I had accomplised unless it went wrong anyway..I thought of others who had done everything right and I decided that it was worth it to take my bag apart. I could do that much right.

So,  took it apart and completely unraveled the sides and bottom portion, DO OVER!  You should be lead to the thought, but I'll come out and say it: It is alot like our life. Sometimes we simply must unravel and do it all over again, only this time right! I am making it over, properly I knew it would be extra work to measure and make sure I got it right, but I will have a lot of extra yarn, because it's shorter. In the end, I must put off my "House scrubbing" for another day, but it wil be worth it.

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* Likely, it was trying to watch Stargate Atlantis while you estimated the size. Or it might have been the children constantl interrupting your counting. My honest question remains How the heck did you not notice and keep working for days like that?

Birthday wish

I want so many things, almost too many to mention.

Doing without so many things for so long, some wants have been dismissed, while others have intensified, and I questioned why I wanted them and determined that I need them.

My birthday is on Sunday, so I need to decide how this day of granting wishes can be used to the best of my ability.

Sumed up: I need to get my hands on a piano daily.

today's thoughts

Twofold. The thoughts that I think today will be directly generated by these:

1.) Is the best time to decide to have a hysterectmy right after a traumatic pregnancy, laying on the O/R table already drugged up? It might be.

2)Nothing you can do could be as terrible as I am.

my test

Well ,things seem to be happy in my current life. I must "dumb it down a bit", or be more of the world. According to the world, my life is superb. But, I just have this feeling like I was intended for something else, and my goal is not to find happiness for a while.

On to what my test really was though, now that I've given the conclusion... I have always heard that "breakfast is the most important meal of the day." or such things, but wondered if how you start your day honestly effects how you live. It does.

First thing when I got up my mind set was organized by this wonderful thought: we are all likened to clay. 'uh, it was so beautiful. I will not paraphrase or rewrite the words to suit my own purposes, I'll just paste them here and think with my typing:

I was telling him that we can form the clay, while it is soft,

and that if we have a vision of what we want the clay to become, we must form it while the clay is soft-- or as the clay hardens we won't be able to reshape it.

and I said that is like our character and the kind of man he wants to become some day, it starts now, with his choices...

bcz if he thinks he can "be" that man when he is an adult w/o first forming "his clay" (ie himself) into that, he will be sad to learn he waited too long. change may be possible later, but not easily (and likely never as well formed as if he had been formed that way from his youth) .

 

 

So If mankind is more maleable in their youth, it stands to reason that we are all more maleable in the morning.  I have contrasted days where I read scriptures with or without prayer and otherdays just prayed or listened to music. This morning I just tried to focus on being a good wife and mother, but could not stay away from craving scriptures!

I want to write a long post about reasonable men Vs. Spiritual man and conclude that a reasonable spiritual man is best.

Ok, so, with that I have so far learned that scripture study combined with prayer tastes best! I cannot describe how wonderful it feels to be so close to heaven, and it sets the mood all day and can shape all of one's choices, too. Well, then, it is further extrapolated that the teachings I recieved as a child from the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches me the best principles and the best way to have a great life. so, for me, regardless of supposed veracity of certain points, which really bothers me, frankly, you life is better with it. It is like the Brilliant people who are "too wise" to believe in Santa anymore or raise their children with such s foolish tradition. They haved missed the point. It is good to give without thought of what you gt back, that is all part of what I got from Santa. No one gives a flip about the first kid who "figured it out". Uh, sorry. My opinions are showing :)

Without details, I can say that not eating a breakfast of yummy scriptures can ultimately lead one to a good and happy life, but not the best one, and really, you will have missed out on so many of those hidden treasures around you without proper guidance.

cooking mishaps

Ok, this isn't going to be about the many times I messed up an otherwise perfect meal by overcooking, like I have heard the joke about treating our husbands like gods, with burnt offerings. But, it is about my daily life.

 I was suprised by a thing that happened on Sunday night. I was baking cookies upon request for my little ones that wanted a homebaked goodie to take with them. Admitedly, I was rushed to try and bake their treat before their dad got here to pick them up.

If you don't know the kitchen is a scary place for me, with all of it's sharo untensils, hot things, and oils or powders to drop and make a mess. My balance is terrible. I was running to get the cookies out of the oven when the beeper went off, and as I tried to grab the tray of hot cookies, I dropped it. Brandall was standing right there by this time and he was concerned and tried to help me. I was really impressed by this act because it is something I a entirely unaccustomed to, Nick, my husband, just says, there is nothing wrong with me, and expects me to take care of everything by myself.

I thought about what Brandall said to the kids today because as I was making lunch for Nick, Joseph and Mary both wanted to help, and I told them that the kitchen was not a safe place for them, as the grease bubbles popped and exploded onto my hand, OUCH! I also recall a story a girl told of her step mom cooking with a deep fryer and when shedropped the basket the grease splashed up on her face and hands. Her sister suggested that they say a prayer and to this day, they believe it helped her, though she sti suffered and has scars, it was not nearly as bad or unbearable as it ought to have been. I instantly thought of the Roswell episode where the mother is stress cooking ans starts a grease fire and her son Max saves her using his alien powers.

Day off

Yeah, off from what? i suppose that is a matter of perspective like everything else. There is no evidence that a day off ever comes, but God created things (worked) and then took a day off and comanded us to do so, too. Nick has Mondays off. I really don't like it. It solidifies in my mind how much happier I'd be in an other house and how his priorities ae not my priorities. Sometimes I wonder if he has ever felt a need in his life. The things he says and concusions he jumps to from the same evidence of thongs that I see is completely different. Again, I say that we see the same things. But, there is something in our brains that causes the samething to go in and come out differently. In the tv show fringe I recall someone mentioning that a criminal mind is pretty much the same as a cop. Which is why they are so good at finding on another. They jump to the same conclusions. Nick is entirely an earthly guy, or a popular guy. his concusions paralell the world closely and so his little quips win friends and are generally likable. To me, almost everything he says is foolish and annoying. I really intended to discussor need for divorce, because it is obvious, but I do not want to ruin the lives of my children,but as a good friend pointed out, staying together is worse for the kids. I really liked a tiny scene of "The Dresden Files" where Murphy is talking toanother woman who adopted her son, the woman asked if she had children. She said that she did, but then pointed toher finger that was devoid of ring. The woman says," oh, sorry."Murphy replied, " No. Sorry would have been staying together." Something odd happened today, too. when I gotupI saw in my peoipheral vision, that the gate was open. I made a mental note to go close it. Time went buy, as I found a free moment, mymind pooped up with a little nagging reminder toshut the gate. I opended the door and stepped outside with that in mind only to see the gate was shut. My conclusion is that the way we percieve things based on evidence is not the same soto base facts on perception (generally empiracal only means something is tangible or unchanging) is wrong. Evdence can be incorrectly percieved, or entirely in a different manner. I canot count how many murder mysteries I have "digested" where the culprit leaves intentionally misleading evidence. Likewise, people take what they "know" about me from little glimpses, the rest is extrapolated, and I have had to deal with many a false accusation. So, I have little to norespect for detective work.

Work it out

ok, this is a journal entry most specificaly for me to work out some major issues that I'm having that I really ought not to speak with anyone about.

If we all have a story then does it have a plot and can we diagram the conflict? What is my big conflict? I think it might be comon, and often I think it might be mistaken as marriage. But, I assure you that there is no person who exsists that you will naturally be compatible with anyway, struggle is eminent, and overcomable. which is why so many popular books are about love.

My first husband, sad to refer to a husband that way, such choices to stay together and sort of bend and compliment eachother rather than get mad and think you are always right and the other person just cannot be what you want them to be. Anyway, my first husband I followed the pattern and loved entirely with my mind and most of my heart. But that wasn't right, not because we are not together anymore, that is a symptom, not the trouble. the trouble is that I lost my mind, literally, and I didn't even know what was going on, I felt like I wasn't gettig something, but I didn't know what it was. One doctor, a pychologist thought that she would relate to me by saying that all men are pigs, because I was divorced. She was writting a book, I remember that. She told me that regardless of men, I needed to stay in TN to take care of the children and they and I had good heath care. side track, sorry. But being as I didn't have my mindto fall back on as he started a strange course, I, insteasd felt very alone and realized that It had been wrong to "put allof my eggs in one basket" those were the words which came to mind then. I was thinking that I had nothing to fall back on if what I was sure of failed. It is alot like John Nash thinking that he could solve his own problem, but his problem solving mind was what needed to be fixed, it would be like trying to repair a operating system by using it. Possible? maybe. But, not wise.

I felt like y time was running out because we are only cute and attractive, etc, for a limited time, and I wanted a family. I thought about what was most important, but ever really learned my lesson. So what was most important was my belief system. So, that was my number one priority, it I thought was the one certain thing that could not be destroyed. Then, I saw my perfect example fall apart. CRAP! If that wasn't certain enough what was?

So here I am in a family with those who do believe the same as me an that was what attracted me most about my husband, but it also furiated me the most. But, We realized that our end goal is the same, so no matter what happens along the way, we can depend on one another. Still in the back of my mind I think, ugh! but what if that is lost, I really do not have anything else to fall back on, a total zero-level format would be my only solution. So, here I am, not at the point where a "format" is necessary but, I understand that it can happen, and just because he is very wise does not make him safe.

I think it needs to be a more sure foundation, kinda like they were teaching me in physical therapy, when learning to walk again. I like to keep my feet closer together, but was constantly reminded that if I really wanted to learn to walk then, i needed a better base. I cannot remember what thery caled it, but it meant placing my feet farter apart. LOL now, I'm going to drag my brother Joathan into this, cause I was thiking about him all along, and how cool it was to go to the temple whn he was married.  At first I was worried that they weren't enough in love, because no one could be in ove as much as Brandall and I were, but I saw them and I cannot explain any particular thing that happened, but I just knew that they were entirely in love. A fewq people commented about how jealous they were about how in love Brandall and I were. I digress again, My brother made a funny comment, as usual, about my feet. He said that was why I could walk aain and have good ballance because my feet were so big, Who could ever fall down with skis like that? He has always said such funny, yet perfectly pertinent things. Dr. Eleazar or the LDS services counselor told me that I needed to start reding funny books or something and laugh at least once a day. So, I got far side books.

It is true that you need to be in love fully with your heart, but it is not enough.  And we need our trust to be in something that will not ever end.

dream

It was the oddest dream. I was having a dinner at someone's house, sort of hidden away like on a underground train kind of thing. I was so thankful for food. When I came to sit down at the table there was food and an empty plate, So I took he empty plate, then someone said "Max is getting some chilli for you." I went into the next room and saw Max and Michael and they handed me a roll and a drink, I jokingly said "Well, everything smells up to par for you." Michael said "yeah" then choosing a seat was ackward it was a small table with four seats. So,  I sat across from Max instead of beside him thinking it was less assumptive (thinking of the biblical teaching of being called to a feast take the lesser seat lest you choose wrong.) but that put a bottle (12 oz.) of Vernor's infront of Max and I and knowing that he was the king I wanted a drink, but didn't know if I was allowed. I saw him take another drink so I took the bottle in my hand and Michael got really offended and told me that now I had taken things a bit too far. He was very angry with me and in his explination of my offenses he explained that took his seat.

I also remember another conversation as we ate, I was complimenting Max, Jason, on his acting at one point. I thought that it was brilliant, and that pleased him. But, I honestly was impressed, and gave details just to be sure that he knew that I was sincere, because I figured that getting compliments must be a common thing and nearly a tiring thing. I wanted to be different then the pleased masses who showered him with praises.

Wrap things up

 It is Thursday. I remember looking at the date and thinking it meant something, but then thinking that must've been in another life, cause it means nothing to me.
I thought of a cool notion today, it will take a whole lot of time and persistance, but when I accompish it I will be so grateful forever, really.

It isn't even 7 pm but the kids are in bed. I did try to wear them out at the park this afernoon, but Hannah told me that it was her experience that wearing the kids out tends to wear the parents out. I really am tired. I have completed all of my chores, and although my teeth and my back are hurting me quite badly. I think that the hardest thing to deal with and is nearly constantly on my mind is my anxiety to do something, anything regarding my plan, but I don't really think it is a sort of plan that can be accomplished immediately.

The song "dynamite" just came on, the children love that song, they like to sing it.
Gavin is showing a lot of talent in playing the piano by ear, and he enjoys doing it the first thng he does when he wakes up is play the piano.  He says that he hears songs in his head and wants to try to play them. I suspect he gets that from me. Somehow it was transferred. I just want to encourage his love of music all I can. Lena is demonstrating a very high aptitude for drawing and Brooksie? She just likes to have fun, Uh, I mean sing and dance, I do really think she is good, but I'm her mom. And she doesn't take negative comments well, So I really do not think that is the best career choice for her.
A grandfather so wisely spoke of the talents of his grand daughter. He said that she was just super talented at everything. And at this point in her life buiding confidence was more important than anything in giving feedback. I whispered to Nick, in our class, that his comment remnded me of the art show on Yo Gabba Gabba when Toodee's art was unvieled, it looked terrible and the music came to a sudden halt. then Foufa said, "That's really great art, Toodee!" Everything continued merrily.
 Joseph ought to become an actor. He is extremely good, Mary Anne is too young, but she demonstrates a propensity for writting/drawing (she scribbles alot) and a love of books. I need a library for her to grow accustomed to and learn to value good literature. For instance, when older, she can see a certain title and remember that was a book that mom had so if she hadn't read it yet, she will.

That is all, I feel like saying about today.

Lonely monday

Everyone has their own reasons to be unhappy on Monday, for me, it was having my family ripped away from me all over again. I don't know how long I can handle it. I was really suprised though that the kids saw right through my frosting reference, like Czechoslovakians. I suddenly felt the need to indulge in my frosting obsession, so we baked a cake, I thought there was no harm in that. Nick got wierd about me spending money on food items that we do not need. Well, I do not need to be alive or eat anything, I guess, but I do. Anyway, he got mad and I decided it was best to ignore than to retaliat. I just absorbed myself in the children, then they left, and it is lonely. Joseph was on a very good behavior though so I took him to the store and looked at frosting, didn't get any, but I got Joe a helicopter toy/candy, and myself some resees pieces. now, there is a metaphor for me. I really do not really even notice the outer shell or it's color, but I just almost need them if I start to eat them, so, I limit myself and just look at them, and I was thinking about how much they look like M&M's on the outside. I guess that's about how much the outside matters to me. Joseph is calling for me to save his truck, huh, wonder how one does that...

A really stupid point... ha ha get it?

I was thinking about how my favorite scene in the English Patient is the part where he says that he loves that bony part under your chin, and it was the most beautiful part of her body. I have always thought most highly of my wrists and ankles, and loved knees, hands, and the most beautiful part of a body to me is the bridge of the nose. I just love it, And one guy I dated I couldn't get over the colors of his face and hair and lips, it's funny, that I didn't think much of his eyes or eye brows, but he had the most perfect shading. That is what I was thinking about tonight how much I loved to look at the bridge of people nose. Brandall told me that he thught I had a big nose, strange, but that he had always liked big noses. I have great wrists, even after my body has nearly been anhilated, my wrists and ankles are still pretty.

diet

I know what you're thinking, if you're thinking what I'm thinking. :) and, my first thought when I typed the word diet was to make a joke out of the word diet. It starting with the same letters that spell the word die. Which is undeniably, how all diet's feel when they start out. But, I really was going to announce the breakthrough I had with my latest diet!

My "breakthrough" came as I decided to quit, or fall off the wagon as my husband put it. I realized why so many of them did not work for me to the point that I do not believe any testimonials or read them, no matter how heartfelt they may be. For me, they do not work because the claim is that they will cause weight loss, and I have noted quite the opposite, and so I assume they are not working.

Some diets I even wanted to work so badly that I began excercising, too. which only caused weight gain. Starvation is the only diet that seemed to work for me, but it is unhealthy.

My last diet made me extremely hungry, and I got so ill that I decided that I needed to listen to my own body for a while and stop trying to make it conform to standards that theoretically work well. Since I quit my diet, I actually noticed a change in how I feel, and that I have lost weight.

This first bit makes me pause. A ton of "bad" things make us feel better so how we feel cannot be the motivating factor. This morning the kids were watching a video where a cartoon character said, " How can someone who lived so long ago know what is right for me?" the response is wonderful. " His words bring peace." The character replied, "Well, my teachings bring pleasure." food for thought, even for parents. We are all aiming for revelance, or happiness, and closely resembling happiness is pleasure. So, too often we think if pleasing ourselves makes us happy then, it is the goal.

Ultimately, we find peace and that is what I have found in my attempts to reconcile the cause and effect of dieting. Many things might bring what they claim; however, I needed to realize that what is right or what causes are observed in others might not be the same in me. For instance, I have found that novacaine has no effect whatsoever on me, though it is not considered a false placebo drug to be tossed out. Likewise, I do not have the same reactions to other things like allergies that others do.

Naturally, it comes back to relgion. something is no less true simply because it is not a perfect fit for you, hence we see such diversity in systems of belief. For a moment I must go back to medicine. Cures are universal only if we are. What is healthy for one is supposed to be healthy for all. We make the same generlizations in religion, afterall we are all children of God so we share that commonality. right? (silence) right? (aside) um, (tapping microphone) is this thing on?

"This is my temporary home"

I feel like breaking into song, but I always do.I am sure my family is glad that I cannot. I used to enjoy living like musical, dancing around as I did things, but I cannot do that either, yet. There was a time when I could not do things like eat and walk, but I can now. I find the way when a thing becomes necessary.

We just got back to Utah after being in Washington for 5 days, to go to the temple so that Brandy Lewis could get her endowments! It was so wonderful. The Weather was nice, Joseph got sick though, and the missionaries had to come give him a blessing. but, he seems well now, but Mary and I are ill and Nick excused his poor behavior on illness, So I guess that he is sick, too. I am so glad we never went to see Lotus, now, too. Or else her children might have gotten ill again, a very terrible thing for them, so I obeyed that little voice telling me that I ought not try to go see her, though I did have to fight my natural inclinations. But, I did meet Hidi Borup, and that was awesome! She taught me things particularly about myself that I never had thought of or considered. And as I was about to take a nap today that never happened I had this thought, that I'd like to remember: If Meeting Lotus is what I want, I wil have it, only not now. at a future time, it will be the right time, and I will get to meet her and I even thought of how much fun it would be to do something fun like bake cookies, like those Oatmeal Raisin cookies, or Mrs. Millers, or those Rootbeer float ones that I still haven't tried,

I could rant like no bodies business about how terrible Nick is, but I still need to go to Michigan, so I'll pretend things are fine, but I really hate him, and so many things about him. Still, I do think that those children are important, far more important than me enduring him for a while, but what if I die? I will have wasted the chance to be sealed to one that I love forever, just because I was wanting the children to have a mother and father, but my other kids, ooooh! let me tell you one thing that got me sooooo mad today. We spent 5 days in WA and John paid for everything, I felt really guilty, which no woman ever should. It reminded me of what was so good in my life with my parents and Brandall. Nick decides on budgets and denies things that I try to include him on the descision, though he never even listens to the idea, he just vetos it under the implication that it isn't included on this budget which I have no say in, and he hides things from me and accuses me of trying to steal his PIN, like I would give a crap. I just don't understand why if he wants to keep "His" finances so secret that he doesn't just create a seperate shared account for us. Instead, I have no way to get money and no access to a car, but am forbidden to even be taught how to drive his. This is not a happy life, not one God intended. I, though conversations with others, have come to realize that God does not condone my mariage at all anyway. But, I digress. So, he got upset because I wanted to buy pinata candy for my son's birthday. He forbade me. He refuses them any money, because he doesn't like them and openly says so, they know it, too. Again, not the sort of life I imagined. I was explaining to Hdi and Brandy how I still do feel a bit of sorrow because my new life with Nick as supposed to be much different, but, instead, it is worse than the one I had with Brandall, making that one look good (but, I do not need to be reminded that my life with Brandall was not one headed in the right direction).

Brandall would have definately wanted to adopt my children. He is a much better man than Nick, and though it is not obvious because I have forgiven him, He did do many terrible things regarding me. almost unbelievably horrible. Mom calls him a "good weather friend". He seems so good unless you need someone to have your back. I never even tried to hide the fact that I had children, and Nick still married me, but will have no part of the Older kid's life. That really frustrates me, too. But, my issue was that he might claim that his failure comes from not having a job, but I see it as a failure to step up to his responsibilities. He believes that he has none regarding those children but, I am their mother and they have full claim on me, and should not even ever be concerned with such issues as: if they will have a birthday party because mom's husband doesn't like them or have enough money. Money ought never to even cross their minds. They are kids and ought to be happy. So, John took care that we never even knew the price of things, it only mattered that we wanted them. Also, I was very upset that Nick did not even bring alot of the gifts that we got for the Lewis's that had been sitting in a box in our kitchen for nearly a year. I see a huge problem with Nick not stepping to the plate regarding his financial obligation, and I feel, as with all other things that I am going to have to fend for myself, if I want anything, So, I plan to use my Christmas and birthday money to open my own account, and start making my own money. I do not think he is even partially ready for the responsibility of being a husband or a father. For him, it is better that he remain single. It is clear that is the life style he likes and hopes to live still, only for him a wife means someone will always feed you and do whatever he wants at the time. He calls it "Putting up with his crap." which phrase I agree to, but define it differently, but we have children now, and he is working with the bishop to deal with his "issues".

I really want to just leave right now, I'm so mad, but I'm not at the breaking point yet. I can still see beyond the immediate consequences. I'll endure because I want my children to be happy, and I really want to do what is right. I know that I did what was right in going to washington, And more good will result of that than almost anything else that I've done.

The weather was nice, It only rained when we were indoors anyway, and it wasn't really rain, and it didn't last.

I am feeling quite sick, but I still am not asleep, what's your problem girl! I'm having a major pity party cause my children are gone now, well, not Joseph and Mary. hey! where's Baby Jesus? :) Today was a great day, at one point a guy told a story about being in Guatamala and getting a picture of a guy standing on a pyramid because he wanted to remember the cool accoustical phenomenon he said that it was relevant to our lesson because it was on how a large congregation of people were gathered to hear one man speak, and how it is said that King Benjamin stood on a platform to adress them (this was before microphones). In Relief Society, I was really impressed by several thoughts converging on me almost too difficult to sort them all out, but the jist was that Our ancestors need us to help them, and I don't have an excuse to not be so inclined and active, as long as I breathe I must help, it is a sure thing and I also believe that they, in turn care about me, and will do whatever they can to aid me. I believe, I will be reunited with them again. They are what matters. I had been musing on a point of timing, I even worked out a lecture on this topic, in my head. Howard W. Hunter explained that getting married in the temple was the right way t was to be done, he firmly answered my lingering question, leaving no rom for question. We know the soul is eternal, and we will live forever, so knowing that ought to effect how we choose between things of assumed value. My little family here feels different because it *is* different. it is not eternally sealed. One lady told of her profound experience of being with her close family andher husbands family in the temple and how she felt a connection, as one was forged. I thought on exactly a feeling I had several times, how no matter what I do or pray, I feel no connection or desire to be with Nick's family. I really ought to be a part of it, I think, but I just do not feel or desire it. I think it is because I am not anything more than legally contracted to him, until I die. Before I was sealed to Brandall,I had done a lot of genealogical work for his ancestors, I felt so close to him, those children are mine nd his and I felt like a family. I feel the biggest difference in the world! Such a feeling can be explained easily by the teachings of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe that I am here because for some reason that is where my ancestors want me. It is so strong, I almost cannot explain it. There is more that I will not write but let it suffice to say that I think that something marvelous is about to happen in my life and I want to be ready. Um, today it was hot, and sunny. We walked to church and Brooksie taught Mary Anne to use the steps!

I just saw something that took the mind on an adventure with only words crafted so to hide the author behind layers of deciet. Frankly, I loved it! I am inspired. I need to think of a way to duplicate that. It was funny today at one of my most frustrated points, I thought, "Hey, this is so incredulous that I ought to be recording it." I had just heard on TV something about a comedy director so I told my children that was just another name for a mother. All I had to do is follow them around with a camera and I'd have a fine movie. It is important to see the funny things while things seem so desperate. I used to tell LeAnne, won't this make a much better story someday? Like the time we wore our PJ's to the BP station down the road to go to their bathroom, and we pushed the car down the driveway so as not to wake anyone up. Crazy? yeah, probably, but I would not have remembered it if she just said, "I have to go to the bathroom." after everyone had gone to bed. Or if I actually had a license the time I ran into a wall driving her car... Today was warm, and sunny. I expect tommorrow will be, too. Nick got my phone to work, today. It was the battery, not the phone, he got an entirely new phone anyway, but it still didn't work, until we replaced the battery. he got me a cover/case thingy, too. It helps for when I drop it,it sort of bounces now. Shhh! No one is supposed to know that, but you can, because you're an insider. :) I think that I'm getting sick. yesterday, My stomach hurt then, today I have a sore throat. I am sooooooo extremely tired! I picked out the songs for church and the clothes for the kids, now I really just ought to go to bed!

I ought to be writing in my gratitude journal

I am far too mad right now to think clearly enough to say anything relevant. This is the last straw, and he broke it. I was calmed after a nice warm bath after today was a disturbing day, I secretly hoped that Nick gets a job soon, because He is of no use around the house, but constantly makes demands as if he cannot see that I am slightly busy taking care of his children, whom he remember occassionally, when he looks up from his game. I was sooo exhausted, and he non chalantky made me cary Mary around in more stores and then dwadled saying that he was waiting on me, well that is truly funny, maybe he was, but shouldn't have been if he drove somewhere he must've had a reason. I wanted to go home and rest.

I ordered a new cell phone which arived today, it made me feel good to have my own phone! when he said something that was so profound, he said, "I'm sorry that your phone broke." but it was obvious that he wasn't concerned one bit about my phone or me. He is in complete denial that I shouldn't be doing the things I do, but instead insists that I don't do enough or ought to do more! He added, "You liked the phone just fine until it broke." Soooooo stinking what? I loved my marriage untl it was broken, too.It is not even a matter of liking the thing. I wasn't looking for s perfect phone or husband. I was looking for something functional, that would not break, Sure I'd prefer my other phone, but finances suggest another phone, likewise he made me realize that I prefered Brandall, but it was already proven that that wouldn't work, so it would be stupid to think the issue is ever a matter of what pleases me the most.

I am slightly handicapped in that My left side has a wierd form of paralysis, so I tend to not put caps on tightly, one who loved me might be just as concerned as Nick, but nick's concern isn't for me at all, but how that would effect him, and he gets mad and yells at me as if I do it on purpose, instead of just quiety fixing them for me as he knows that it is a trouble that I have. Well, He spilled all of my mouthwash all over the cothes I had cleaned, never giving a thpought to who would clean it up or what hardships it might cause me, his concern was just getting his things cleaned and if he spilled something, oh well. I should have put that lid on tighter!

I am getting alot stronger and alot wiser and able to realize the error of my situation, which if he had not always pushed me so hard to accomplish things that wew impossible, I might have ignorantly been happy until it was too late.

I'm tired. time to go to sleep and hope things will be better when I wake up. It feels good to be this sleepy, but with being so tired loose a lot of my "censure."

Whew!

Sundays always exhaust me, not from the escapades of getting little kids ready, but from all of the deep thinking, I do not KNOW this, but I expect that thinking generates a whole lot of energy, that must come from somewhere.

I tried to take a nap but ended up having a great convesation with Nick, where we discussed many of the heftier matters weighing on my mind, most notably was when I asked him how he escapes, in the form of this question: So what do you dream when you sleep?" I figured that would hold the answer to break up the monotony and stress of his work. He exlained that they are so far out there. very much beyond the ordinary. I commented how I dream of life just the exact way it happened only changing what I say or do, which makes my memories a bit faulty at times and then I fit in somewhere that his dreams were alot like his video games then, a way to escape. I suggested that he write a fantasy novel. I think it would be easy, obviously his mind creates the stories, he just needs to jot them down, but he said that he is not a writter. I was confused. I think he means that he won't write, not that he cannot. Now, I simply cannot write according to many standards, but I still try. I believe he really could be everything I want, but he just won't, which is a good segue for another topic. I told him that his culture is so engrained in people that they don't even realize it, but women need men because without them they are powerless (referring to the priesthood). He said that men needed women. I said yeah, that I figured that was why sex drive exsisted, so that women woud always be on a man's mind, otherwise, why would men ever want a woman. But, I argued that eventhough it sounds good, the priesthood could not exsist for families, because that means that without a family there would be no God. he said, "yep. but there is a heavenly mother and we are all organized by families."

Ok, I need to back up here and explain that there is a huge notable clash in Corinth between the "utah" faction and the indigenous "Mississippi" faction. Both feel that their culture or way to do things is right. I have a story that explains the utah way. a general authority was attending a class reunion with his wife. He was anxious because there would be aother boy there who dated his wife. but, as they met him, he ended up never ammounting to anything. So, on the way home the GA asked hos wife, "Aren't you lad that you married me?" and she responded, "Well, if I had married him. He would've been the Gerneral Authority." And, though it is funny. It truly represents a huge difference between cultures that I livew daily, and need to come up with a solution. Men think the woman defines them out here, and it obviously works for them. But, I always thought that it is not a woman's place to be bossy, but that it was intended to seek out a man who chose to develop certain attributes and they would be an indication of who he is and would become. Now, though, I feel like Nick is expecting me to "make" him into something that I want, but I married him because I thought that he would just become something I wanted, My focus is on the children.

Ok, that brings me to the next point I wanted to make. I was watching TV with brooksie and She was getting so upset at all of the inconsistancies, like everyone just joining in and already knowing the song and the dance perfectly, or this little insect knowing someone's name. I started doing it, too. I asked why they even made a bee talk anyway. The real thought worth having was that the "Magic" wasn't there anymore for her. She had grown up. Then, I started to think about how we do that, too. I think being a parent is the way we learn more to be like our Heavenly counterparts. When we get smart we loose the magic that made our fantasies so believable. It is natural, like with our own children, the time to coddle is over, There is a Scripture I mostly recall from the movie "The Mission" where DiNero endures a terrible trial and becomes a missionary as his balm. He applies this scripture: "When I was a child, I played with childish things..."

I tried a second time to go to sleep, but am still tired because of the energy I had to use to create such a dream, without details (no it wasn't explicit or anything just secret) there was this person thanking me for introducing them to another person who was someone they very much wanted to meet with, and had asked me to proof read a letter before it was mailed. I realized how much I had failed to see as I read the words intended for someone else. I could never be what I intended because the time had passed, and my priority was elsewhere and "what we do today effects who we become." (that was a quote someone in RS shared as it was on their refridgerator), oh yeah, our freezer is fristing over again!!! We just had to replace new food, well, I'm not going to do it again! I am just glad that it worked while thw kids were here.

I also realized the reason why I am so cold is that it should be warm, so even though it is warmer it feels colder. Also, it was rainng alot, I figure hat is normal, "April Showers" but we do live in a desert! Peopl around here comment on the extreme humidity.

I thought about how much i'd like to have a little lot of garden, maybe I could buy some seeds and grow then in the ward gsrden, if Nick cannot afford to get me some pots or something.

It is so wrong

I am wide awake when I ought to be sleeping, I will be so sleepy throughout the day, but at leas time passes more eventfully and fun when the older kids are here. Sure, they upset me, but for the most part I just love to have them around, really, I do! I cannot fathom that they actually were made by my body. It's crazy!

Today it was rainy and overcast all day. Brooksie wrote me a note on Joseph's little magnet doodle board telling me how sad she was and that she needed to go outside. lol. She said, in a note because it was something she wanted me to know, but not tell me, that everyone else epected her to be so good and perfect, but she couldn't meet their expectations. But, even though it was cold and rainy outside she just needed to go out. She even claimed that I made it rain so that she would be sad and bored. If only I was that powerful. Anyway, they are all asleep now, and I ought to be, but I'm just not tired.

Idiot Alert

there are days when I jus feel like a total dupe, this one of them, because I still keep trying for sometghing that I "know" is impossible, and then get upset when i fail! Looking on a person would think I was being a shear idiot, but it is like playing a game, even Lena told me about a time she was in last place on Mariokart and then just as she was about to cross the finish line everyone got hit by a shell and she ended up wining, Plus, there are the Hobbits in LOTR who never had much hope anyway, but it is the history of winning failures that keeps me trying. but, that makes me even more foolish,History isn't a good think to pattern on, like other fictional stories, they have been fashioned with a purpose in mind, not to simply capture what was.

Last night as I was making dinner I had the queerest thought that tried to ruin my moment of relaation, I thought what would my mind do to me if it was like one of those stories like Irobot or whatnot, in trying to help, like the auto type, it might try to fix things, and I thought of the perfect tale, Nick is accusing me of ADOS Attention Defecit, Ooooh! Shiney (Which he stole from meif we really do get to credit ideas) but he never gives any credit only uses his mind to accuse. But, I really do loose track of things, I always have been accused of Splitpersonalities, and Even in the Psychiatric ward I met people who were really schizophrenic and they didn't believe it. So, I thought it was funny that doctors would ask me if I was insane or heard voices or saw things that no one else did. You know, Actually, Jane Eyre did, and so did Catherine Linton, so, It really does make an interesting story. I believe that it was a Law and Order episode, maybe Bones though, where their witness had personality troubles.

It would perfectly blame how I end up in situations that I cannot explain, and almost opposites in things I have been said to have done. I always loved Shirley Jackson's "Bird's Nest." I wonder if it is just my mind's way of protecting me, ayway, I came up with this crazy scenario where I told Brandall all of these things that I haven't even told myself yet. I suppose that would explain how he was so right on the mark, and said that it was too embarassing to tell me, but, maybe I told him to divorce me, regardless. It sounds weird, but would atleast be close enough to reality to make a very good story.

I think that I'll go be a fool in front of the TV for a while. I wish I could go to work, or complain about gas prices. Instead I just get hit, spit on, and bit by little kids who scream for hours at me.

Easter

I think it would be wrong of me not to find a time to write something today. Today was sunny, warm, and sunday. We went to Ogden Joseph got to search for easter eggs and Mary ate a blue ring pop, Nick's sister, KC is so extremely thoughtful. She needs a star named after her or something. I couldn't figure out if she was actually divorced and who ths guy named Don was, Nick didn't know either, he was never really introduced either so we could only guess. He complimented me on Mary being so cute, which won me over. right now, I'm waiting for the older kids to get here, they are about 2 hours late right now, but that's typical, so no big deal. I learned some really cool things in church today, on thing I thought I needed to remember though I cannot recall. But, one thought I had was when or teacher read to us about how when the first colonizers came to America it was inhabited by different types but one was Japanese people. I thought about how we are so easily fooled in the world of movies into believing one thing then, Twist there is a shift and we were completely fooled and have to rewatch it with our new prospective. I thought it isn't too much to believe that things that seem impossible in our perception might shift to instantly be entirely different. For instance, to me that whole DNA thing that riled up so many "Scientists" could be easily explained bu this way, so innocently revealed. We ut the Book of Mormon and were talking about it's varipous parts. It lead some to wonder about the Jaredites, and the book of Ether. There, just like in many accounts usually glazed over as insignificant, were many times that there could not be entire populations, unless there were people already living on the American continent.

I figure that I can be easily tricked like by the film 6th sense, so it seems likely, I cannot understand rationally, or scientifically, everything in the world, so I must learn to accept truth thsat comes another way. Our lesson in RS was about Sustaining our leaders, but they spoke alot about recieving revelation and how people recieve it. I'll say more of that later, I want to touch on another thought while I'm on that subject. Our Sunday School Teacher, Jared Yeats, explained a passeage in a way I would never have thought before. He said read about a thought that Enos had being spoken to his mind, and how so many of us know we have been answered, the voice could not be mistaken for oue own idea but as inspiration because the voice is different. My two thoughts on this developed. I know something is true though no one has ever actually spoken it to me, but it is more like the way the moon effects the tide, the way I am effected by this belief. And also that was scratching at the roots of my testimony of the Book of Mormon, Various testimonie have been brilliant and added to my own, but mine was because I started to question Joseph Smith thinking that he just used Isaiah as filler, but it was more as I studied. it had a voice or tone that was familiar, it would nearly be impossible to remember exactly where he left off or recite entire chapters. But, Another story is when I asked my father for a blessing, and it gave me a stronger testimony of the priesthood because he said almost verbatim what my bishop had said in a blessing to me just a week prior, and it was not regarding anything I spoke of. Likewise, My sister has sort of "left the church" Which upsets my parents, but I know it is just part of her growing. In her Patriarchal Blessing she was told things about her person and life and I asked her if it was really likely that some strange old guy in Mississippi could know thse things about her. She agreed that it must have really been the power of God. And I figure it is just a matter of time that she will extrapolate that if the Preisthood blessings came from God, the priesthood, as found in our organization must be the real thing, and if so, then everything else that goes with it must be true. It is a start, but I must have a talent for believing in things that do not make reasonable sense, because I am not worried about her, or an other thing that cannot be explained, but I cannot understand how, but I trust it will be, I hesitate to say "come what may" because that is sort of an invitation for what may and I do not want to be tested, though I do think that I will prove to remain true to what I hope for but do not know.

My kids are here, Brandall brought a lot of food, too!

Most notably, today Lena admitted to me that she didn't believe in Santa or the Easter bunny, which aren't really necessary anyway, but I took her aside and privately asked her about it. then Brooksie got jealous and wanted to be pulled aside she asked me to speak to her in private, too. :) Gavin then wanted to be singled out next.

Mary was standing "hands free" in her bed and jumped tonight.

I'm thirsty.

April 7th, 2012

Yeterday, it snowed, today has been Nice. Nick went to the store to get stuff at his lunch break while I was taking a bath. it is very boring today, wich is not good for my over active mind. if I seek to control it, I cannot sit here doing nothing. I think i'll watch "Awake" though if joseph cries enough, I'll watch Mighty Machines just to shut him up.

Ok, I wasted enough time on this silly computer. I made a video called " girl meets astronaut" but, it didn't take me very long. oh well. Nothing more to say about today. the year is supposed to end in 2012, we'll see, if so this is pretty pointless.

I needed to add a gripe I had yesterday, that needs to be addressed or else, Nick accusingly asked me where a certain paper came from, like he already concluded and just wanted me to squirm, but he was out of line and wrong, and made me feel nothing but more bitterness towards him and understand why I do. He is always accusing me of things and is almost always completely wrong about things, and it is so important to me to be trusted, butr he clearly does not trust me, so I do not want to build anything on that sort of foundation.

It came back again to his snoring. It is not the act of snoring that irritates me, it is him. I have lovingly listened to others snore thinking it was such a lovely and comforting sound, but others just the thought of them breathing though not heard, upset me alot.

Today, I decided something. I hate sitting at the computer unless I have to, and I don't have to. I decided that come what may, after my parents visit this fall, I'm outta here, if not sooner. Nick is so rude to me he just accused me of making Joseph fat, if anything I'd feel guilty of starving the boy, but it's pointless. It is his lifestyle, all of us ought to have a different life style and if anything is going to change around here, I've got to do it.

I was thinking about why I am always so obviously ill-treated. anyone can see it painly. It is because I just let myself be used and used until breaking point. I've just been cursed to be with people, who seem good, but when asked to live a higher life, they can't do it and ultimately are selfish and I am misused as they fail miserably. The problems in my life come from my giving too much and never expecting anything. Like now, I do not expect Nick odo anything he doesn't want to, but he only wants to play video games on his computer and other little boy things. He is not at all the man I thought he was. I was again so much decieved. How did I let this happen. a voice whipers to me, "it's not too late. Don't just accept things as they are. strive for more and do not accept failed attempt from others, sure they might improve, but your old enough that improvement should've already have been done, if he's a looser, he'll not change". Nick lives in Utah and doesn't have his eagle scout and didn't serve a mission. and I really do think that he is not being honest with himself as to why he was divorced the first time. I'm shot.
gotta do dishes, but I don't feel like it. But, I will because that's who I am. Someone who does what they should.