Latest (prayerful) descision

I am going to get my PDA online starting the first week of January. Then, as I continue "teaching" in Kaysville I will get my loan forgiveness letter turned in so that I may begin earning my Bachelors degree in Early Education little by little so by the time my youngest children finish high school I will have my degree. I wrote this all down because I might be swayed to alter these plans as my life or situation changes and this will remind me of my intent...just look at how it changed from my initial intentions in college. I actually more than once said that I would NEVER live in Utah. But here I am married divorced and remarried in Utah.

This morning (cold November)

I am just done. End of story. It was a mistake and I am in the process of repenting.

This morning our family prayer was forgotten, too. It becomes aparent what priorities matter. We still prayed because it is important to the rest of us.

Joseph needed to be awake by 4 am. Mary asked to stay in bed, but he got her up anyway. I finished a few loads of laundry.

Midnight conumdrum

Oh. Dear!! what happened to this post? I am too sick to rewrite it, but it needs to be written. So I will write it tomorrow for certain!

Ok, it is tommorrow and today was our primary program. Both children did great! We had a pop corn party and now, I am sooooo extremely tired and completely worn out, but before I rest I need to try to say what was so significant to me last night.

I went to bed early intending to do my Saturday night chores after putting the kids to bed. But, for the first time in about 9 years. I did not tuck the children in but felll back asleep after prayer.

Then when I woke up it was 12pm. That is worrysome to me because it meant the Sabbath had begun as soon as I awoke and if I did the dishes and laundry, although the machine actually does the work, it would be happening on Sunday. I never do work on Sunday. I recall a story I had heard years ago about an Israeli who would not do work once a sabbath began, but he found himself stranded in a large field, having taken his allotted steps. Much like "Fiddler on the Roof". But, the boy needed to follow his law exactly and spend the night in the field,or hurry home to his family. He fully expected tobe struck by lightening as he chose to take that step towards his home.

Now, to those not believing in that tradition itseems silly or trivial, but it was soooooooo important to him. This was the same trial I faced and so I likened this situation to mine. He was not struck down. Well,ofcourse he wasn't neither would I be. Yet, his take away was that his religion is untrue. I think quite the opposite, it provesthe truth of the words of prophets as recorded in the Bible. The very man man Jesus Christ performed miracles on the Sabbath. From it I learmed that if there is an "ox in the mire" then the day is no consequence. And I have been taught that Adam actually performed sacrifices and prayed to his Heavenly Father and through doing so he learned that his sacrifice was a similtude of a great atoning sacrifice performed by Jesus Christ. So, my wondering what I ought to do turned to wondering if the Jews had such a record of an Angel from God told Adam that the acts he was preforming were a preparation for, or reminder in my case, a great sacrifice to come. I did not expect tobe struck by lightening, but if I made a choice to toil on Sunday I would be recording in Heaven that I did not respect his command enough to honor his wishes. Keeping the Sabbath Holy is not a matter of Obeying The commandments as given to Moses as much as it is a time to demonstrate whom I do worship and if I did continue to do the law of Moses it would more be in honor of that one God and my trusting him more than any other.

Also, I want to record here that my father is doing very poorly and it is troublesome.

Noticed about the effect of my playlist

First of all, I noticed that my mood is directly related to the thoughts which are a result of the music I listen to that day. I have noticed the music follows a pattern, and the days and times that certain music is played I really like the way it feels and it is at those times that I feel "ten foot tall and bullet proof."

We are all aware of the effect music has on us. It is used in religous meetings to invite a spirit. The rhthym of religious leaders was studdied ina musicology class I took in college. When we have naptime in headstart music is used to soothe and lull the wee ones to sleep and create an atmosphere conducive to restfullness. We all have heard ambient music used in resturaunts, elevators, or even create emotion in movies or elevate what was trying to be achieved already...thoughts take s tangent on Wagner, but I am not going to write those thoughts. But, I just noticed in my day how much improvment comes to a day by the prescence of music.

I think of that song by Dido "if my house fell down I wouldn't have a clue...because you called me." I had that experience at work one day at the Bon Marche. Everything was terrible, then Jim called and then I felt like everthing was perfect. Ok. So, my life does not change, but it seems different. I think the samething about music. It is not the order of tones or the way words are used that changes anything. It is the thoughts in my head that have been caused by the music. Or... To other Latter-day Saints I suggest that it is the presence of a particular spirit, like the way a certain voice on the telephone entirely changed my perspective. Certain music is accompanied by certain emotions and those emotions are evidence of something. It is easy to see how otherwise brilliant Greek and Roman thinkers thought things we the handiwork of particular diety. They were correct. I observe a feeling exactly associated to something not seen with our eyes.

Not good, but don't know why

Apparently, this is all in wakeful vagueness.  The very thing I held as back up plan was explored enough to reveal misery of a worse kind instead of the freedom I had so desperately hoped for.  It really changes nothing really, just a reworking of thoughts and aspirations.

I figure I ought to be grateful but I am just angry when I cannot actually pinpoint how I know of a trap, but I had written in a journal/photo album years ago these words that they might not be forgotten: "the first step to avoiding a trap is knowing of it's existance." Paul further inquires, "but father, if we know that it is a trap, why go forward?" And in that case the trap was not avoided but was the means to achieve a purpose. It remindsme of Eve asking if there was another way when she realized that she was trapped by her aspirations.

So, this is my journal where I record my underlying awareness of a plot intended to do harm.  And this is my plan to enter it willingly though reluctantly.

I am very upset and wish to be ignorant because I feel betrayed but I have not prepared another way yet, anyway.

Inigma

It occurred to me that my seperation might be due to not sharing anything entirely with anyone. Buts and pieces here and there. What with so much written online, surely someone could divine the rest, right? Well, google with emails, search engine algorythims and even Youtube has not managed to guess right, then all the social stuff like facebook, twitter, instagram et al a very warped picture would be painted of any of us... I must pause to contemplate how trusting we are of netflix for accurrate history or even scientists to tell us definitively about long dead cultures or specieces. Even I cannot trust my own memories to create my person. My siblings used to claim that my memory was incorrect even when I recalled exact details. Even now when others talk about things Idid or was present for it seems unreal to me. Early this morning, for instance, I was trying to recall what I did at several jobsand I could not even piece together a single day, although I have memories of things that happened like the ONE time I answered my telephone because I was trying to help my best friend repair her computer and she was trying out the modem and ecpected to call back, so I answered "what happened?" Or maybe just "what" and it was actually Tal Bachman. Naw, probably just made that up sorta like the time the one boy I had a huge crush on, but he NEVER EVER talked to me although he saw me regularly, called me and asked me to the prom which I had just made a wager with my best friend from Early Morning, very early morning seminary that I would go to the prom with him. After I got offthe phone I had to ask my mom if I just talked to someone. I actually did not believe it because he still never spoke to me, so I wouldn't talk about it to anyone cause it likely never happened. Then his sister asked if I was really going to the prom with Andrew. I didn't act like it. I still wonder if that happened. It seems like a wierd thing to verify. I should write more journals, like I did to record every detail when Lena was born cause memories cannot be trusted.

so, where was I?

Yeah, so I have been rather covert and misleading intentionally and then upset because I am so misunderstood, well duh!

I will remain close to God because he alone has been given the whole story and could begin to understand why I do what I do or am who I am. I always thought I was so alone because no one shared my beliefs and living in Utah would change that. Nope. Even though people know the reasons and dogma many do not internalize it and seem to me to not take it seriously so why would I open up tothem about how life changing and miraculous certain principles are? Sure,they likely understand at least but i share more spirituality with my southern baptist friends.

A thing I don't think anyone knows is that in all of my plans I fully intended to have made a full recovery by now, it would have happened and I still believe it could but turns out I will likely need to wait for one of my sons to care enough for me, if he even still loves me enough at such an age. So far, they both love and respect me enough so we will see. I mean "what's seven years to forever..." (Lyrics from a song I wrote about Jacob and Rachel)