It occurred to me that my seperation might be due to not sharing anything entirely with anyone. Buts and pieces here and there. What with so much written online, surely someone could divine the rest, right? Well, google with emails, search engine algorythims and even Youtube has not managed to guess right, then all the social stuff like facebook, twitter, instagram et al a very warped picture would be painted of any of us... I must pause to contemplate how trusting we are of netflix for accurrate history or even scientists to tell us definitively about long dead cultures or specieces. Even I cannot trust my own memories to create my person. My siblings used to claim that my memory was incorrect even when I recalled exact details. Even now when others talk about things Idid or was present for it seems unreal to me. Early this morning, for instance, I was trying to recall what I did at several jobsand I could not even piece together a single day, although I have memories of things that happened like the ONE time I answered my telephone because I was trying to help my best friend repair her computer and she was trying out the modem and ecpected to call back, so I answered "what happened?" Or maybe just "what" and it was actually Tal Bachman. Naw, probably just made that up sorta like the time the one boy I had a huge crush on, but he NEVER EVER talked to me although he saw me regularly, called me and asked me to the prom which I had just made a wager with my best friend from Early Morning, very early morning seminary that I would go to the prom with him. After I got offthe phone I had to ask my mom if I just talked to someone. I actually did not believe it because he still never spoke to me, so I wouldn't talk about it to anyone cause it likely never happened. Then his sister asked if I was really going to the prom with Andrew. I didn't act like it. I still wonder if that happened. It seems like a wierd thing to verify. I should write more journals, like I did to record every detail when Lena was born cause memories cannot be trusted.
so, where was I?
Yeah, so I have been rather covert and misleading intentionally and then upset because I am so misunderstood, well duh!
I will remain close to God because he alone has been given the whole story and could begin to understand why I do what I do or am who I am. I always thought I was so alone because no one shared my beliefs and living in Utah would change that. Nope. Even though people know the reasons and dogma many do not internalize it and seem to me to not take it seriously so why would I open up tothem about how life changing and miraculous certain principles are? Sure,they likely understand at least but i share more spirituality with my southern baptist friends.
A thing I don't think anyone knows is that in all of my plans I fully intended to have made a full recovery by now, it would have happened and I still believe it could but turns out I will likely need to wait for one of my sons to care enough for me, if he even still loves me enough at such an age. So far, they both love and respect me enough so we will see. I mean "what's seven years to forever..." (Lyrics from a song I wrote about Jacob and Rachel)
There are two things that are almost constantly on my mind that I have not told anymore. They are not mysteries, per se. I have things that I expected to be able to share before I die, but now I wonder. I mean, I am mid 40 and been married 2x I ought to have found a person I trust enough by now.
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