Apparently, this is all in wakeful vagueness. The very thing I held as back up plan was explored enough to reveal misery of a worse kind instead of the freedom I had so desperately hoped for. It really changes nothing really, just a reworking of thoughts and aspirations.
I figure I ought to be grateful but I am just angry when I cannot actually pinpoint how I know of a trap, but I had written in a journal/photo album years ago these words that they might not be forgotten: "the first step to avoiding a trap is knowing of it's existance." Paul further inquires, "but father, if we know that it is a trap, why go forward?" And in that case the trap was not avoided but was the means to achieve a purpose. It remindsme of Eve asking if there was another way when she realized that she was trapped by her aspirations.
So, this is my journal where I record my underlying awareness of a plot intended to do harm. And this is my plan to enter it willingly though reluctantly.
I am very upset and wish to be ignorant because I feel betrayed but I have not prepared another way yet, anyway.
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